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Had to call police last night(10 Posts)
I called women's aid 2 months ago after stbxh' behaviour towards me and dc started escalating (bullying and verbally abusive to me and started on my ds10) after coming on here for support I plucked up the courage to ring womens aid (best thing I ever did) and they persuaded me to report him to the police which was the scariest things in I've ever done. I didn't press charges but I told him that I had reported him and that if he didn't leave I would take it further and this seemed to be the control I needed to gain and he eventually left after about 5 hours of raging at me.
This was 2 months ago and he seemed to accept the situation and we were pretty amicable, he said he definitely wouldn't be back and was happy in new flat etc etc. Anyway he hated the fact that I somehow 'had something over him' and told me that I wasn't to ever mention the abuse thing ever again. I told him that there was no reason to mention it again (unless he gave me a reason of course like breaking in or whatever). Anyway my ds has been unhappy with my stbxh treatemrnt of him during their contact - he has basically not changed a single thing and still bullies my son. My ds has become much braver since not living with his dad and I've noticed him becoming generally more relaxed. Yesterday morning he was supposed to go to his dads in the afternoon but came to me in the morning and said he didn't want to go, because he hated the way his dad overreacted to everything he did and ex had called him 'a liar' 2 days ago. I told him I'd talk to his dad and I would sort it out. Well I did ring him.... it didn't go down well whatsoever. Stbxh went absolutely mad over the phone, my son was holding my hand for support whilst bravely telling his dad was his issues were. He didn't listen he accused me of making it all up, ganging up on him, manipulating our ds, basicallly deflecting any blame whatsoever and putting it onto me. I told him that ds wasn't going to see him that day and that we could talk in a few days when he'd calmed down.
Around 6pm he turned up at the house, asked if he could get his bike and I stupidly let him in to get it. Well then he decided he was NOT leaving.. caused a huge scene, I ended up calling 2 of my neighbours husbands who are also his friends to try and persuade him. I called his family and his uncle came. He still wouldn't leave. My ds witnessed all of this, eventually i rang 999 and the police came around midnight and got him out of the house. Luckily my ds went to bed at 11:30 so was at least spared that. It was completely awful. I think he thoight I wouldn't do it, all he has gained is yet another domestic abuse incident on record...
the domestic abuse counsellor that my GP referred me to had warned me that he wouldn't just go quietly but I didn't believe her and thought I had it and him under control.... she was right though. Anyway I just wanted to say to anyone too scared to get people involved that you should. I have been really supported by the police and women's aid and they did take me seriously. I was really scared to ring them last night as I didn't want a big scene in front of the neighbours etc but in the end he left me no option and it was actually fine and even though it's legally his house they got him out and were very supportive. My ds was blaming himself last night as he thoight he'd caused it all by coming to me and that is in no way the case. His dad is a complete bully and I am so glad that my ds now feels 'safe' enough to stand up for himself as he knows that I'll do everything to protect him.
Well done you.
Sorry you're having to deal with such shit.
Ime kids need to hear it's not their fault over and over and over again.
Well done for listening to your son and protecting your son and yourself.
Thanks, I honestly don't know what he was trying to achieve ( I suppose i do in a way, I don't think he thoight I'd go through with it and it was a way to punish and control me) he's completely shot himself in the foot though and my only worry now is that he's on self destruct mode, has ruined his image that he cared so much about to his 'man' friends... oh don't worry I'm going to tell him this all day long. I was so proud of him, telling his dad what his issues were and showing him how angry he was (while holding onto my hand for strength). He's such an amazing person.
Well done. You've been so brave; the domestic abuse lines and the police can be so helpful and people really should put off using them when needed.
It may be worth asking your advisor if there is a programme in your area for children who have been/are in abusive relationships. It can really help them to understand that it isn't their fault, and protect them emotionally when they're still having to see the other parent for contact visits. And ultimately prevent them thinking that the abusive behavior is normal and continuing with it in their own adult relationships.
Gah. Shouldn't put off using them off course
You and your son sound incredibly brave.
You're not responsible for your exs action and if he does go on self destruct mode that's his path not yours.
Don't feel guilt over something you can't control. I think you're amazing x
We'll done you and hopefully others in your position will take inspiration from you
Well done you
Don't be surprised if the ex employs new tactics to try to get under your skin, often abusers will say anything to try and re-establish control. He may start appearing disheveled to give the impression he can't cope or function without you, he may even threaten to harm or kill himself. He may begin threatening you and your DS.
If he does any of these things usually the best thing to do is just ring the police.
He's not your problem and you are not responsible for him. As Oily said - don't feel guilt over something you can't control.
Raspberry - yes I've been referred to a DA service through my GP and they've put me down for various courses I think it's something along the lines of the freedom programme, there is one called mum and me which is for children and parents to understand the effect that it's had on the dc. I'm just waiting for a call from them about that but I will most definitely be taking all the help I can get!
Thanks everyone for commenting on this, it was like a living nightmare last night.
Nobody should have to deal with this on their own, there are fantastic resources that can help
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