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What should I feel

(7 Posts)
onlyjustnow Mon 10-Apr-17 06:16:03

Found out today from a cousin that my dad passed away last week - first contact I'd had from her. He was emotionally, physically , sexually and financially abusive to me and my mum. I dont feel anything. He insisted on contact after their divorce, it had to be supervised, but he just didn't turn up one day and I haven't seen him since then, over 30 years ago. I'm angry he will never be held to account for what he put us through. Anyone else had similar?

picklemepopcorn Mon 10-Apr-17 06:36:19

His death hasn't left a hole in your life, as you had no relationship with him.
You might get a lot of mixed feelings kick in about the dad you deserved but didn't get, and the end of the (remote) possibility that he might step up/reconcile/explain in the future.

Alternatively, if you have processed all this stuff already, you may carry on without feeling much at all.

Either way flowers

doghairinmytea Mon 10-Apr-17 07:14:48

I think you can only feel what you feel. There's no "right" way to feel about anything. My dad died when I was 17, after NC for 10 years. I felt numb then, like you, angry- although he'd done nothing like the abuse you were put through. I think you just need to give yourself time as this will bring events of the past flooding back. flowers

noego Mon 10-Apr-17 08:37:26

I've been NC with my dad for 30+ years. He was abusive physically and emotionally. I have reconciled his behaviour in my own way through self enquiry. Understanding what goes on in the minds of abusers and the like. It helped me to become more humane, loving and compassionate as a person.
I don't know if he dead or alive, I'm sure one day I will get told. I don't have any feelings one way or the other to be honest. It will like being told a stranger has died.

onlyjustnow Tue 11-Apr-17 05:06:05

Thank you for the replies. Pickleme, I think it's the feeling that he got away with it that bothers me most. I had accepted what happened to a point, but then having my own family, I just cannot comprehend his actions. I almost lost my mum last year and the devastation I felt then compared to this is unbelievable. It's ridiculous but I feel guilty for not caring?
Doghair, thank you for sharing, you are right, I have been dwelling a bit.
Neogo, I hope I have your courage and compassion soon.

onlyjustnow Fri 15-Dec-17 00:15:23

I am so mixed up, just received notification that he left me and two of my three children money in his will. Cheque received a few days ago. I have put it away in a drawer as I don't know what to do. It feels tainted. My mum has told me I "remember wrong" but I'm fairly sure of what went on when they were together. Is this the result of his guilt? Or just having the last word?

christmasrage Fri 15-Dec-17 06:54:22

There will be more confusing t8mes ahead, I would think.
I wouldn't bother trying to talk to your mum. She clearly can't allow herself to consider what happened.

Is there anyone you can talk about the money with? For me it would be completely separate. If I receive money from a criminal who made that money through criminal acts and is still making money through criminal acts, then yes the money is tainted and I would be complicit in the cr8minality.
This money is just money. You may not like the source of it, but it's just money.

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