Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Emotional Abuse

(19 Posts)
user1234566 Mon 10-Apr-17 01:31:33

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I believe I've been suffering from emotional abuse. About 6 months ago, I left. We went to marriage counselling and after 2 months I went back. Things were great for a few months but then it started again. I've left again and staying with family. One minute he's saying he can't do this again and threatened divorce and 50/50 of our DD and the next he's saying he can change but the catch is he can't show me he's changed unless I'm at home. I don't know what to do. I fear if I move back the same thing as last time will happen and I honestly can't handle that happening again. I have people telling me conflicting advice and I'm just confused and have no idea what to do.

user1467798821 Mon 10-Apr-17 01:34:46

Can he not date you, like back in the beginning, as well as some more couples counselling?
I would say it depends on whether you want to work it out or not. My gut feeling is, if he's done it twice now it's a habit and one that's going to be very hard to break

user1234566 Mon 10-Apr-17 01:42:36

He's only interested in me coming home. He said he can't live seperate for 2 months like we did last time

pog100 Mon 10-Apr-17 01:42:48

You gave him one chance and it didn't work. There is no point whatsoever in repeating the exercise and expecting a different outcome. Continue as you are and develop your new life..

noego Mon 10-Apr-17 09:04:43

Even using the leverage of you coming home so he can show you the difference is emotional blackmail. Be careful.

WatchingFromTheWings Mon 10-Apr-17 09:11:23

They don't change. As pp has said, he's using emotional blackmail to get you home. Once he's realised he can get you back as and when he pleases he'll probably ramp up the abuse. I'd take control of the situation if it were me and stay away.

HeavenlyEyes Mon 10-Apr-17 09:12:23

who cares what he can and can't do! He is still emotionally abusing and manipulating you. Abusers do not change - they just change tactics! Don't wait for him to threaten divorce again - start it yourself. And 50/50 childcare is another tool to try and bully you too I bet.

MsStricty Mon 10-Apr-17 09:13:16

He's talking bollocks. He's trying to manipulate you again. Any man who had really changed would have changed enough to be happy to take things slowly.

user1234566 Mon 10-Apr-17 12:11:11

HeavenlyEyes - the 50/50 was definitely a threat because when I spoke of him having her next week he said he wasn't in a position where he could do that yet.

HeavenlyEyes Mon 10-Apr-17 12:22:09

exactly - just another method to abuse you with isn't it.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 10-Apr-17 12:32:40

He can't change unless he's had some intensive therapy.
Even then it's highly unlikely.
And the threats now with divorce and 50:50 just go to prove he's not changed one tiny little bit.
Still manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you.
You know you need to stay away.
It's hard but you got out.
Now you need to stay out.

Adora10 Mon 10-Apr-17 12:36:21

Really sounds like he's trying to change for you, NOT.

You've given him a chance already and it sounds like it's still on his terms; tell him to GTF; he's an emotional abuser and will not change, no matter how many chances you give him; it's who he is, he's showed you that twice now.

InvisibleAt53 Mon 10-Apr-17 12:37:38

My advice would be to listen to your own instinct and do what's best for you and your daughter. Talk to your doctor if you think you're being emotionally abused as they will see the signs better perhaps than you. There are also some good assessment tools online to determine whether emotional abuse is at play. My daughter asked me to complete one online as she was trying to make me see the effect of my husbands behaviour on me. I had a score of 26 out of 29 and didn't even know it was happening - until he threw me down the stairs that is. Bottom line is, don't hang around for him to get into your head if that's what's happening. It's great you have family around to support you x

user1234566 Mon 10-Apr-17 13:05:59

I just keep doubting myself. As soon as I get my head around it say I'm going to stand up for myself he starts playing nice again. I've written a list of behaviours and I look at them and go well no I don't deserve those things but is it really enough to break up a family?

Kikikaakaa Mon 10-Apr-17 13:26:21

Maybe it would help if you thought about why he is asking you to move back. He will have an ulterior motive. Money or childcare

user1477381393 Mon 10-Apr-17 13:37:17

In my experience, they don't change. He's asking you to go back and telling you he will change but he's probably missing the routine and everything you do for him. If you keep going back every time, he knows he's got you so he doesn't need to change. You will regret it eventually too.

Adora10 Mon 10-Apr-17 13:42:32

Why would you want to go back when you've already got away from him; you'd be going back to more abuse, fuck that, what about your kids, do you want them to carry on seeing him treat you like crap?

InvisibleAt53 Mon 10-Apr-17 15:10:50

In my experience, serial abusers have 3 different personalities, each one interchangeable; nasty and violent, passive aggressive, self-piteous with a sprinkling of false authenticity. Sounds like he fits the profile. Keep your chin up and be brave.

isitjustme2017 Mon 10-Apr-17 15:14:44

You can read my previous post about my OH's behaviour but, in short, he is emotionally abusive in many ways. About 5 years ago I'd had enough and asked him to leave. He was first angry then nasty then turned pathetic. He begged me to reconsider, admitted it was all his fault and promised me the earth. My ds (4 at the time) was also very upset by it all so I decided to give him another chance. Guess what? He's worse than ever now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now