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Is my love life over at 48? Terrified of divorce. Is it really as awful as everyone says?

(21 Posts)
isthisacceptable200 Sun 09-Apr-17 21:14:23

Hi

Just wondering about positive relationship after divorce stories.

Am 48 now, and it looks like my marriage is at an end. I am terrified though. Partly of being lonely.

Bluntly put - will I be too old to meet someone new?

Am so scared of divorce though - who am I kidding. Forget a new relationship, I'll be having a nervous breakdown instead sad. Am scared of all the dc choosing to live with H, or me losing everything - let alone me never having another shag / any adult affection.

It's so hard not to know what my life will be like. Also can't imagine me actually taking this step - disrupting everyone's life to this extent. But am I supposed to live this half life forever?

Would it be better if I walked away with nothing confused? Certainly less scary as I know that H will make everything very difficult.

How do people make the decision to divorce when in the short term it's absolutely heart breakingly awful?

I actually don't think I have the courage to go through the trauma.

Mrskeats Sun 09-Apr-17 21:17:55

I didn't meet the man I'm about to marry till I was 49 after divorce.
My divorce wasn't awful and we sorted out time with the kids
Why would you lose everything? You will be entitled to your share of the assets

sweetcaramel Sun 09-Apr-17 21:31:30

Everyone's situation is different but I split with my XH when I was 49 (my decision) and though he was utterly self centred and self indulgent and I had to endure all sorts of sh*t it was so worth it.

My DCs are absolutely fine, we agreed a fair settlement and now things are amicable because I have let things go (and continue to) for the sake of the DCs relationship with their father.

Two years on I am in a relationship with a lovely man who is a hundred times the man my XH was and I expect to spend the rest of my life with him. But even if I weren't my life would still be a hundred times better than it was. And my DCs lives are so much better too.

Make the break, it's worth it but don't walk away with nothing. Get legal advice and act on it.

rumred Sun 09-Apr-17 21:34:40

I'm 51 and have met someone recently who rings my bell. It's harder the older you get but not impossible

isthisacceptable200 Sun 09-Apr-17 22:11:03

It's difficult to explain but we live in a house which on paper is owned by H ownly. When I met him he was bitter about his first wife "getting away with" or in his words, lying to get their family home. He ended up with a smaller commercial property with a flat on top.

I don't know what will happen with our family home if/when we get divorced, but it would be very traumatic for either of us to have to leave it.

This is further complicated by the fact that H is self employed and owns some other properties (not mortgage or debt free). He is totally capable of trying to hide them in one way or anther (and has done this in the past).

I have no clue about the mortgage / debt etc... I have my account only and we have no joint accounts. In that sense he is in control of the main finances and considers most things to be his and will say that he worked for them and I didn't.

I will say we need to split up (all the while feeling terrible about this) and he will say that he is going nowhere and that I can f* off.

I do own half a flat with my sister (half hers half mine). His attitude will be that I can f* off with this. The thing is I actually would, except that it is nowhere near enough to house three dc in the town we live in, and I would feel cheated out of what is also mine. We have been together for 21 years. 14 years of those I was a SAHM. The other 7 I have worked. I have not contributed as much as him financially as I have earned less, but I have contributed in many ways and a lot angry.

He is going to make my life very difficult. Added to the fact that I will feel guilty.

So running away seems like a better option. Not that I would do this. But I think about it.

Holland00 Sun 09-Apr-17 22:14:54

You need to get as much paperwork together as possible, evidence of the orher properties etc.

PurpleWithRed Sun 09-Apr-17 22:18:34

Yours is a long marriage with children so the start point for financial split will be 50:50 - what's in whose name and who earned what makes no difference, you worked very hard as a SAHM for your family. Can you get any information on the other properties and any of the other aspects of your marital finances - savings, pensions etc?

In my experience divorce is like childbirth - painful, messy, takes a lot longer than it seems to on the telly and leaves you a different person, but SOOOO worth it. The moment will come, in the meantime gather information.

WishIhadaGEG Sun 09-Apr-17 22:18:51

Get legal advice!!

sweetcaramel Sun 09-Apr-17 22:24:00

Have you posted about your situation before OP? It sounds familiar.

My XH initially refused to leave the family home, it was six months before he left and life was very difficult in those months, I coped by keeping my eyes on the future. It's hard to maintain a high level of twattery forever.

It doesn't matter whose name properties and other assets are in, they're all marital assets and it's been a long marriage. Financial contribution doesn't mean very much if anything. You need proper legal advice.

You know he has other properties, that will make it harder to hide them. No solicitor (unless they're crooked) would knowingly allow a client to hide assets.

sweetcaramel Sun 09-Apr-17 22:26:40

Btw - Be prepared for him to talk a load of rubbish about 'his rights' or what his solicitor (or the bloke down the pub) has said.

Just think 'whatever' to yourself and ignore it.

Arm yourself with facts.

RaymondinaReddington Sun 09-Apr-17 22:51:41

OP. There is of course a future for you. However, you cant ruminate and catastrophise about everything and every possible future step. Been there, done that.

Keep one eye on the future and visualise the good things you would like e.g. Nice home without exH man smells and rubbish ruining the place - or whatever floats your boat. Then try to be business like getting the rest of the mess sorted. It takes time but many of us have done it and you get there in the end. The feeling when you get there is great. Then you start again.

statetrooperstacey Sun 09-Apr-17 23:14:38

I had a truly awful break up from my ex he did everything he possibly could to make my life fucking horrible. I had to get a non molestation order and he found ways round that. He stalked me he followed me everywhere he cut all the cables on my house, he broke into my house, he refused to pay any child support and tried to claim tax credits and child benefits even tho he had bail conditions which meant he couldn't see dc unsupervised. so even my child benefit was stopped and I couldn't claim any help. His behaviour was shocking .
Not once did I regret getting rid of him, not for one second. Do it. you are only 48 better now than when you are 58!flowers
Oh, and I am very happy now! Really happy. Met a lovely lovely man very soon after break up.

Jiggaminny Mon 10-Apr-17 00:30:04

My love life was over 26...

Tillymintsmama Mon 10-Apr-17 10:47:11

It's grim "out there" in dating land. I've been unhappily single for 8 years. I'm 44. There are no decent men left. If you could work on your marriage stay with it.

PollyPerky Mon 10-Apr-17 11:05:35

FGS OP you are young! 48 is nothing.
There are people out there meeting new people in their 60s, 70s and even their 80s.
Change your mindset. If you think 48 is old, you are old before your time.

Walkingtowork Mon 10-Apr-17 12:05:30

This book is very readable and a good starting point. It would advise someone in your position to get legal advice immediately. Best of luck flowers

bimbobaggins Mon 10-Apr-17 12:35:58

tilly so what you are advising the op that staying in an unhappy marriage is better than being on your own. What a load of rubbish. The op has been with her partner for 21 years and I'm sure she wouldn't walk away without trying.
I'd rather be on my own and happy than in an unhappy relationship just for the sake of having a man

hellsbellsmelons Mon 10-Apr-17 13:06:09

I am recently single and 48.
I have a few blokes knocking on my door but I'm just gonna live my single life for now with no crappy men around.
I have no doubt, when I'm ready, I'll find someone but not for a while yet thanks.
I'm enjoying myself too much right now grin

And definitely get thee to a lawyer.
See who does a free half hour in your area.
See as many of them as you can (he can't see them then)
Try at least 3.
Some will take a settlement at the end of the proceedings so see who does what and who you 'like' best.
But he is talking pure crap.
You've invested a lot into your family, you deserve what you deserve, as do your DC so don't listen a word he says and lawyer up quick sharp.
It's very tempting to cut and run but make sure you get what you are entitled to.
He has his career and probably a lot more earning potential than you do because you allowed that for him.
Don't settle!

Walkingtowork Mon 10-Apr-17 14:16:59

Yes that's right, in the book I linked to it says very clearly "What's mine is ours, what's yours is ours, and what's ours is ours". It all gets put into one marital pot then shared out fairly.

Adora10 Mon 10-Apr-17 17:11:12

You are only 48 OP so I'd highly doubt you will not meet another man in your life; in fact there will be plenty from all the divorces taking place by then!

noego Mon 10-Apr-17 18:53:43

Divorce is shit. Post divorce is wonderful. 60+ and loving it. Never had so much sex, love, affection and wonderful compliments. Dropped all previous friendships, started new social circles. Got liberated and now love the single life.
Don't worry OP, you will survive. Try not to think ahead. Live in the now and let life unfold.

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