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He thinks I'm not a good bet..

(16 Posts)
Disappointednomore Sun 09-Apr-17 20:17:56

I've been online dating a while and recently met someone I think is a really good fit for me. I didn't fancy him that much initially but he's clever and funny and I'm finding that really attractive. Now he's realised how infrequently DD's dad has her, however I think he's thinking it will be a drag being with someone with no freedom (it's a drag being a person with no freedom) I have friends and babysitters but can't ever be spontaneous. Makes me think it's just not going to happen. Rest of my life is going ok, but the lone parent grind does get me down.

Gallavich Sun 09-Apr-17 20:19:06

I hear you. Any man who doesn't get that is really not for you.

TheNaze73 Sun 09-Apr-17 20:54:53

You're probably not a good bet for him. People without children never understand that they won't be number 1. Someone out there will though. Good luck

Hellofromme Sun 09-Apr-17 21:07:11

I gave up for the same reason. I felt it wasn't fair on someone to have to 100% fit around me and my commitments with no flexibility at all. Maybe someone with children themselves would be a better bet?

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 09-Apr-17 21:12:05

I think you should speak to him, if appropriate, and see how he feels. It seems from your OP that you're the one assuming he's not interested? Or has he said something?

Also disagree that only someone with a child would understand your situation... Wait for a decent man, they are out there.

Biddylee Sun 09-Apr-17 21:20:00

It's a good idea not to second guess the person you are seeing (although it's really easy to do). Have a chat with him.

It is hard juggling being a single parent and dating and some people who don't have children will never be able to get their head around how that your child/ren takes priority.

If he isn't able to handle you being a parent best out of it now and wait til someone comes along who can deal with it.

Trills Sun 09-Apr-17 21:24:25

I don't want to date someone with children either. I don't think he's wrong to make that choice.

He may have initially underestimated how big a part of your life your child is. Now he knows, it's up to him whether he wants a relationship with you or not.

I don't think that not choosing that life makes him a bad person. It's just a shame for you that he didn't figure it out sooner.

Mermaidinthesea123 Sun 09-Apr-17 21:29:09

My son always came first, anyone who didn't get that was out of my life pretty soon.
My life has been pretty up and down but the constant factor now my son is an adult is that he and I are so very close and he is always there for me and the other way round and I wouldn't have that now if I hadn't always put him first.
It was well worth not having a serious relationship until he left home even though it was sometimes lonely.

Disappointednomore Sun 09-Apr-17 21:30:43

He has 3 children whom he sees frequently. We haven't had sex yet but he commented that it would always be rushed (this wasn't an inappropriate conversation we were discussing it like adults). He texted the other night that he thought it was unfair how little X had DD. I replied that I have lots of friends who help me but he said he thought it was tough on me.

JK1773 Sun 09-Apr-17 21:31:02

Ooo that seems a bit off. Why don't you ask him? You're making assumptions that might be wrong. I'm a woman whose OH has his children half the week. We're not at the stage of me meeting them yet so half the week he's not around. This is suiting us absolutely fine. It's my time to do what I want. I've never dated anyone with DC before and don't have any myself but it certainly doesn't put me off. We just make plans around that and it's fine. Being a bit less spontaneous just means you enjoy the time you do spend together all the more.

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 09-Apr-17 21:35:54

Is is unfair how little your Ex has DD... You say so yourself. Doesn't mean you aren't going to make the effort, so give him the benefit of the doubt. Talk more, don't assume what he means.

Disappointednomore Sun 09-Apr-17 21:51:06

I think it's because it's the first person I've really liked in ages so I'm overthinking it. Those of you who OLD however know how these things often go.

Darbs76 Sun 09-Apr-17 22:28:19

I would find those comments pretty offensive. I assume your child sleeps so why would sex always be rushed? Does sound like you've picked up on this vibe and judging by his comments you might be right. Or maybe he genuinely thinks it's unfair you have an unfair share of raising your child - but doesn't excuse the sex comment. If he's making comments now insinuating your child is getting in the way or could be I'd be telling him thanks but not thanks. Unless he can understand child is no 1 then he can forget it

Trills Sun 09-Apr-17 22:46:56

Is that all?!

I stand by what I said about a man being allowed to choose to not date someone with children, but that doesn't sound like the case here.

He thinks your ex is not taking a fair share, which is true, because he himself is a father who takes on a less-unfair share.

He thinks that sex will be rushed, because he (presumably) only chooses to have sex when his children are elsewhere. He knows that you can 't be unavailable for long when you have a young child in the house and knows that you will always have half an ear open to check if she has woken up.

He sounds as if he does understand that your child comes first, and is not put off by you having a child.

You sound as if you are interpreting his words in the most negative light possible.

Andywho Sun 09-Apr-17 23:40:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Disappointednomore Mon 10-Apr-17 04:42:13

Trills I think your assessment is insightful- his example of the rushed sex was if I had a babysitter and we went out for dinner then we would have at most a couple of hours in his apartment (at a time when his children were not there). You're right that I'm interpreting this negatively - it is of course factually correct but given that his texting has slowed right down I'm suspecting he's having second thoughts. I also get that he has every right to do so.

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