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I've just told him I don't want him back (after agreeing to try again)

(49 Posts)
Lovelilies Sun 09-Apr-17 19:51:51

Long history of splitting, getting back together.
Currently living separately but planning to move back in with him. I've changed my mind though. And I've just told him. I've said 'I'm not ready' and that I feel like he doesn't want the commitment I do (marriage), even though we have 2 DC together. A recent thread I started said how he wants to travel to a Oz and India (without us) and the general consensus, as well as my own guy feelings, was that he still wants the single life, with a family when it suits.
But now it's done, and I feel awful.
I know he'll try and talk me round, he has every other time!
Any advice how to stick to my guns and not cave?

ferriswheel Sun 09-Apr-17 19:55:13

They don't change. Ever.

What works for me is thinking of myself from a different perspective. I'm currently divorcing my controlling and ea h. I try to think, 'is it good enough for my children yo have a mother who is treated badly?' Rather than, 'maybe in the future he might stop being mean?'

Its rubbish noe but not as rubbish as it could be if you give him more days of your life.

tribpot Sun 09-Apr-17 19:56:17

Your story sounds very familiar, did he want to do this a few years ago as well? I didn't read the recent thread but one from a few years ago.

The main thing is that it's no good for the children for you to be constantly breaking up and reconciling. For their sake, pick one and stick with it.

I hope you were more definitive than "I'm not ready"? That's just leaving the door open.

Lovelilies Sun 09-Apr-17 19:58:41

I was stupidly trying to soften the blow.
He repeated back to me 'so we're not together and you're not moving back in' so I guess he's got the picture.
It was over the phone, and I had to hang up as DD2 was sick.

Lovelilies Sun 09-Apr-17 19:59:45

Yes, probably me! Long posting history, a couple of different usernames but same story (he was abusive in the past and found out my username)

tribpot Sun 09-Apr-17 21:26:33

Did he want to go travelling on a motorbike whilst you were pregnant?

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Apr-17 21:28:50

You've done the right thing. In fact, you've done the only thing you could do without going crazy and submitting yourself to the wishes of a selfish man.

Now that you say he was trawling through your past posts, it's even more clear you've made the right decision.

Trills Sun 09-Apr-17 21:42:15

It only needs one person to break up.

You don't need his permission.

Lovelilies Sun 09-Apr-17 22:47:50

Yes Tri, I'd forgotten that!
What a dick!

Lovelilies Sun 09-Apr-17 22:51:40

Trills that is so true. I think he thinks he has a say in it.
He is insufferable. I know he'lll start with all the nonsense now.
He'll be
Sad
Self pitying
Angry
Self righteous
Helpful
Hard done by
Nasty
Manipulative
Kind
Apologetic

In different orders and on different days. I'll get essay length texts.
This time I'm going to try really hard not to engage, and just discuss practicalities regarding the DC

Trills Sun 09-Apr-17 22:55:03

Stay strong.

It's so much harder when you have to stay in contact because of the kids.

If you didn't have any you could just ignore his texts, but you have to look at them.

Could you reply to anything essay-length with "I am not reading that, if you have anything to say regarding the children send just that please"

Trills Sun 09-Apr-17 22:55:36

I guess not really because that would require him to behave reasonably

Lovelilies Mon 10-Apr-17 07:50:37

Just had a phone call from him. Asked how DD (who was sick) was. Then said it's all my fault, he wanted to move forward with me, now he's going to move away by the end of the year. He wants a formal arrangement for looking after the kids, but if it's too disruptive he'll leave them (!)
I feel awful, this is so hard.
Please tell me it will all be ok.

temporarilyjerry Mon 10-Apr-17 08:23:12

*He'll be
Sad
Self pitying
Angry
Self righteous
Helpful
Hard done by
Nasty
Manipulative
Kind
Apologetic*

So he's starting with manipulative, then. I wonder what it will be tomorrow.

tribpot Mon 10-Apr-17 08:25:13

You already know what your future will look like if you cave in to his demands and get 'back together'. More and more of the same, whilst your children become increasingly anxious and insecure. All of which allows him to come and go as he pleases and play at families when it suits him.

I'm not sure why you're even surprised that he's threatening to leave the kids - this is what he wants to do, he has admitted this openly. All he's doing now is dressing it up as being your fault.

Call his bluff and suggest mediation with a view to agreeing finances and contact arrangements.

Lovelilies Mon 10-Apr-17 08:31:22

That's a good idea. I'll look into mediation. I won't get drawn into the blame game.

Lovelilies Wed 12-Apr-17 07:26:46

He's asking me to marry him (via message) now. And long spiels of how he loves me and how great our family is.

I'm ignoring them. Is that the best? I will need to discuss the children soon (he's supposed to have them while I'm at work)

tribpot Wed 12-Apr-17 07:37:55

When is he meant to be having the children? I think you will need to 'refuse' his elegant proposal, I suggest also via text. So the question is, can you do that and then leave a suitable gap before having to bring up the question of visitation, or would you have to text back 'no thanks but can you pick up the kids this evening'?

Maybe in response to one about how great your family is (not sure how he would know given his infrequent participation) maybe:
'I agree, our children are the best. I hope we will always have a cordial co-parenting relationship that puts their interests first. However, there is no other relationship between the two of us any more so it's time to move on'.

Lovelilies Wed 12-Apr-17 07:44:47

Thank you.
I'm not at work til Sunday (and Monday) and I start at 7am. The plan before was, he would sleep here so he'd be here when the kids woke up.
I'm not sure what to do now as thebaby still Bf during the night so needs me. My mum has said she'll stay over and he can pick them up later on. I think this is the only workable way.

Lovelilies Wed 12-Apr-17 07:48:08

Argh, now he's texting 'But why? Last week you loved me and wanted to come back! You keep doing this!'
I've just replied 'I've told you why. There's no point discussing it any more'

tribpot Wed 12-Apr-17 08:04:45

I think your mum staying over is the right answer.

Don't get drawn in - don't reply to any more texts today at all.

ClopySow Wed 12-Apr-17 08:21:07

Of course you feel awful now you've done it, it's a scary decision to make, but you'll be happier in the long term.

A person worth being with wouldn't threaten to leave the children. You're doing the right thing.

Gallavich Wed 12-Apr-17 08:31:18

Stop texting him. Send him one message asking for space then put his messages on mute and put the phone down.

happypoobum Wed 12-Apr-17 08:43:34

I don't think he should be staying over at all.

It really does mix up the message and will make things much harder for you. If your mom can stay over then that's much better but you need to think about what you will do re childcare longer term.

Don't cave - this is your chance to escape..........

Butterymuffin Wed 12-Apr-17 09:31:30

If your family's so great, how come he wants to go travelling without you? And how come he is threatening to leave them? Empty words. If you get back with him, you'll just get more of this. Definitely time to end it.

An idea I've seen on here before is to get a new phone and number and keep your old number just as a pay as you go that only he will use. Then you can just check that phone when you're ready rather than being bombarded with texts or calls all the time.

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