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what do you think of this behaviour

(44 Posts)
isitjustme2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 18:53:36

So, my dp has always had some 'strange' ways and I've often wondered what other people would think. I will list them and would like people's opinions on whether he is abusive or just weird.

He feels the need to constantly 'torment' our youngest ds, knowing it makes him cry. Then he will moan that he's crying, saying he's only 'playing'.

He makes snide remarks about me all the time. This is hard to explain but e.g. if he can't find something he will always say "I bet you moved it". He often makes comments and remarks about me in front of my mother a lot too. He then claims he is 'joking'. He doesn't do this in front of his own family though.

He snores really loud every night and it makes my life hell. Yet, last night I was coughing a lot in the living room and I could hear him moaning about it from the bedroom. He then made a huge thing of my coughing this morning.

If I go to the cinema with a friend (very rarely), he will moan and say "god, you're always at the cinema".

He will say one thing, then completely deny saying it, causing a huge argument. He will constantly criticise my driving but does it in a sarcastic way.

If he knows something annoys me, he does it even more (often smirking). e.g. he makes his own side of the bed instead of the whole bed!!

He says really offensive things (only in front of me) e.g about women drivers or about immigrants. He never does it in front of anyone else. He says he believes in the UKIP policies and goes on about this (even though he knows I hate that) but I actually think he only says it to annoy me. Again, never said in front of others.

I'm sure there are lots of other things. Now I'm reading this back, I think I know what the replies will be.

GinevraFanshawe Sun 09-Apr-17 18:56:59

Why do you let him torment your child and make him cry? He's a bully and you need to stand up to him for your kids.

f83mx Sun 09-Apr-17 19:07:47

What is he doing/saying to your child? If he's purposely upsetting him then think thats time to leave isn't it?

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Apr-17 19:09:51

He would REALLY irritate me.

ExplodedCloud Sun 09-Apr-17 19:12:16

Abusive or weird? Can I say both?

Floggingmolly Sun 09-Apr-17 19:12:37

He sounds like a complete halfwit. Making your ds cry for his entertainment hmm. Making half a bed whilst smirking at you!
What are his good points?

LisaMed1 Sun 09-Apr-17 19:15:29

If a stranger did that to your youngest child, what would you do? If a strange man came up to your child and deliberately made him cry, what would you do?

Your dp gets his jollies by upsetting people. He is probably destroying the confidence and self esteem of your child for life.

isitjustme2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 19:17:59

Ha well yes, after writing it all down, I did think - what the hell am I doing here?

With my ds, I actually think he doesn't even know how to act with him properly so resorts to torment. Strangely his brother is the same, he torments his nieces and nephews. I am starting to wonder if he was bullied at school.

#f83mx - its hard to explain. Sometimes he will pinch his blankey from him and put it on his head, just daft things. Teasing really. But I HATE it and constantly tell him not to do it.

#imperialblether - he does irritate me MASSIVELY and am going to be separating from him very soon.

isitjustme2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 19:20:56

#LisaMed1 - I would absolutely not like that. I constantly tell him not to do it and find myself taking the kids out to get away from him. He is devoid of any fun whatsoever.

What worries me is that he is their Dad whether I like it or not. How do I keep an eye on this when we separate and he has them on his own at weekends??

DoomGloomAndKaboom Sun 09-Apr-17 19:23:54

The last person to treat me like that was the school bully. He is behaving like a spiteful child. Only he's an adult so why doesn't he know better?

You youngest ds will grow up thinking his dad is a dick. He will be right.

Your dp sounds like a very unpleasant person. I can't imagine what traits he might have to make up for treating you so very nastily.

DoomGloomAndKaboom Sun 09-Apr-17 19:27:15

Sorry x posts. I am glad you will soon be leaving.

I think you might need to talk about supervised access with someone who knows about it - I don't think your stbx can adequately ensure your ds's wellbeing, as things stand.

What is stbx's relationship like with the other dcs?

MsGameandWatch Sun 09-Apr-17 19:32:31

What do I think? I think he's a bullying emotionally abusive man, possibly with some kind of personality disorder who doesn't like you one bit, actually despises you I would say. I also think he sounds exactly like my ex who treated like me that for so long, increasing the bad treatment over the years until I almost lost my mind. I was diagnosed with CPTSD - google it, after being with him. I think you should leave him immediately for your own mental well being. Get a book called "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. You will find this man in it.

isitjustme2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 19:40:37

#DoomGloom - he is not as bad with older ds cos he doesn't get away with it (he's 10). He is very tough on him though and shouts at him a lot.

#MsGameandWatch - I've read a bit of that and he sounds like a 'Water Boarder' to be honest.

I had a massive meltdown with him a few weeks ago after he made some snide remark to me and it tipped me over the edge. I told him that he chips away at me and soon there will be nothing left. I also told him he must really hate me. He genuinely seemed baffled!! He was nice to me for about a week and now its business as usual.

I intend to end things next week (I have my reasons).

I think I wanted to put his behaviour down as sometimes I think its me who is going mad. I started to think that maybe I'm a bit like that too (he says I am). undoubtedly he brings out the worst in me!

isitjustme2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 19:44:15

#MsGameandWatch - I hope you are doing OK now after your diagnosis. I've just googled it. So sorry you went through that.

I definitely think my mental health is slowly suffering....

ElspethFlashman Sun 09-Apr-17 19:48:06

Tbh it sounds like if you seperate the kids will fairly soon be declining to see him.

Also remember that once you seperate they will have at least one safe spot in the world whereas now they have to live with him and his shit 24/7.

BigFatTent Sun 09-Apr-17 19:53:00

He sounds a bit like me ex although he was more obviously abusive. You have to leave him before he completely breaks you.

Ex torments my dc in a similar way so I understand how upsetting it is for you. His attitude towards dc was the reason I finally left rather than all the horrid things he'd done to me. It still goes on of course and that's hard so I don't have any good advice. Dc asks me to tell him to stop. I've tried but honestly I think it makes it worse. I encourage dc to tell him not to do it and I just hope that eventually it has some impact.

Mrskeats Sun 09-Apr-17 20:00:44

Why would you let him mistreat your kids like that? He's a bully that is damaging their well being- and yours but they have no choice in the matter do they?
Life is too short

Summerof85 Sun 09-Apr-17 20:03:28

Sorry you are in this situation. How awful he is bullying your child and putting you down. Also, when he is denying saying something that he had said, is that not gaslighting? Hope your situation improves soon flowers

isitjustme2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 20:04:54

#Mrskeats - I don't 'let' him treat them like that and, as I said I've stayed with him because at least I am always there. However I now see that I need to get away from him and his awful behaviour. My youngest is 3 so before it affects the rest of his life.

Soopermum1 Sun 09-Apr-17 20:30:23

My ex did similar. Would wind me up for sport even though I told him how much it hurt and upset me. I called him on it every time but he didn't listen. He now lives alone, begging forgiveness every day.

isitjustme2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 20:34:05

#Summerof85 - thank you, I'm glad I posted now.

#Soopermum1 - that is good to hear. Funny thing is, I know he will become pathetic and apologetic eventually. I can read him like a book. He will be angry and in agreement when I tell him I want to split, then when he sees I'm serious (and he has lost control), then comes the pathetic behaviour.

Mrskeats Sun 09-Apr-17 21:25:42

Good I'm glad I hate bullying- had to deal with enough of that in schools

CharlieBoo Sun 09-Apr-17 21:30:52

Your youngest is 3? Im sure he can't fully vocalise his feelings properly yet, but you can tell him to back off and pick on someone his own size.. my dh doesn't torment my eldest but he is a more difficult child and I deal with him a lot better than dh as I'm calmer and know what buttons NOT to push! However if I step in when dh is dealing with him it can be tricky as he says I'm undermining him! But if like you say he's tormenting him for fun.. step right in there and tell him to F*#k off!!

And the making half the bed thing would make me want to throttle him!

isitjustme2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 21:51:28

#CharlieBoo - its very childish behaviour generally. The teasing, the pathetic games he plays.

He also does a lot of secret eating in the bedroom which is weird. He's not overweight or anything so no idea why he does it. I find all sort of wrappers and things stuffed under the bed.

Crumbelina Sun 09-Apr-17 21:57:31

My Dad (I'm now NC with him) used to do the same to me. Did wonders for my self-confidence. My weak mother stayed with him and I'll never quite forgive her for it. Or forget.

I really do hope you leave him for the sake of your poor DS.

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