So incredibly lonely...

[scruffleshuffle]

So this only dawned on me this weekend but it's so plainly obvious. I am constantly on MN posting under a range of usernames and commenting on others posts, I need actual physical friends. I'm so so lonely.

Background: Had problems with DH for a while, he is currently away on business (he opts to go away doesn't have to.) We have a DC together. I moved to his hometown before DC was born and have struggled hugely to make new friends; it's a small place, out in the sticks, everyone knows everyone else, it's very cliquey. I often go to toddler groups on my own whilst everyone seems so pally with each other. I do chat away and am v friendly but friendships don't seem to materialise.
My parents are extremely unreliable and tell me they are coming to visit but drop me at the drop.of a hat. I cannot visit them as they have been living with friends for the past 4 years after raking up tons of debt. It's not somewhere I would particularly like to take my DC also.

DH's parents live nearby and can be quite controlling/aloof so I don't tend to spend time with them on my own with DC when DH is away. Also, I'm not convinced they really enjoy my company and are all about DH and DC.

This weekend, I've seen nobody other than DC. The sun has been shining and I've seen big groups of families and friends picnicking in the park, pictures of garden BBQs on FB and I feel so down about my own existence.

I go to work but part-time, DH full time. He has lots of friends/hobbies whilst I don't have many at all. I sometimes visit friends back home but even those friendships are fading out. I've asked DH to arrange social gatherings for his friends and their wives/partners so I can mix more but he says he prefers it when it's just me and him! However, we're not even getting along.

When he's away though.... life just seems so.... empty. How much responsibility for my loneliness do I place on his shoulders? Is it up to him to fill the void? Or is it up to me to try and map a circle for myself here? I am terrible at making friends. Great for day to day chat... but friendships just don't happen for me.

[Silvertap]

It's up to you - you can make those friendships happen. Why not invite one of the mums from toddler group over for coffee during the hols. Look up what's on at your local library tomorrow and go. Activities at a museum? Join a church? A running group?

You seem really nice, go for it!

[Biddylee]

I would suggest that you try and organise something social yourself - invite a few months over for a tea - make your happiness your responsibility But I think you need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling and ask him to assist in arranging some other social things where his friends come over. As your partner he should be able to help a little bit.

[Biddylee]

should say mums not months

[Lowdoorinthewal1]

I think you need to take control of it yourself.

Somebody on here mentioned a thing called Mush (friend dating for mums). You could try that, although I get that out in the sticks it may not help much.

Do you drive? If not could you learn? Driving is so liberating in terms of being able to find your own things to do and it might help to be able to venture further afield to activities etc.

Would it help to work backwards.. what sort of people do you want to be friends with.. what would those people be doing with their day.. where can you go to do that too and meet them..

[scruffleshuffle]

Some great ideas here. Thank you.

[Sunshineandlaughter]

Oh gosh I'm going to sound harsh here but I think you need a radical shake up - your relationship with your dh is the problem. Going to another hobby etc isn't going to fix this.
Not getting along, him choosing to work away, him not wanting for you to socialise with his friends - it's all ringing alarm bells to me as to affairs etc. Could there be another woman?
You moved for him then he's ditching you, not including you in his life, not helping you make friends - not cool.
Personally I'd be looking at moving back to your hometown.

[ICESTAR]

Try meetup.com can get friendship groups in your area or nearby. For all kinds of interests. Good luck!

[springydaffs]

I tend to agree with sunshine.

Either he is spectacularly dense, or he actively likes you isolated. eg not inviting his friends around - what's that about?? As you say, there's no 'two of you'. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you, perhaps.

I do agree the relationship is the problem.

Mind, crap parents very often lead to crap partners unless you do lots of therapy

[springydaffs]

Nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship

[scruffleshuffle]

I think you're right Springy. I think I'm destined to be with a terrible partner forever! He's not intentionally isolating me I don't think , but is not particularly mindful either. Been through lots of therapy, but alas, still making the same mistakes!

[springydaffs]

Lots of? How much is lots of?

Ime is been years and years - I could still do some more. Re the model (childhood) was seriously broken /flawed. Takes a loooot of work to address all that shit.

Anyway. You have before you a good opportunity to exercise some self care. You are being chronically neglected here, yet you're taking it, even begging (please be nice to me!). How about you're nice to yourself?

[scruffleshuffle]

As in? Be nice to myself an leave him?

[springydaffs]

Well, I don't hang around when someone is treating me like shit.

I have no idea what may be going on with them but I know what's going on with me. And I don't want that shit.

To quote from a truly inspired poster on MN:

Am I the only one who feels that the older I get, the luckier anyone would be to get close to me? I don't feel like some ancient lech, I feel like an established goddess, and they are awfully lucky if I turn my golden gaze on them.

[Mamaka]

That's brilliant springy

[scruffleshuffle]

Love that Springy!

I guess I question myself... I often think I may be too needy. That my neediness actually pushes people away.

[SnowflakeObsidian]

Scruffleshuffle it may also be that you will feel in a better position to sort things out with your dh as your friendships grow. It does take time to form friendships and often we have to just have regular small contacts with people and grow it gradually. I found my way out of loneliness by just making a point of talking to people and exchanging remarks on a regular basis. There were no immediate kindred spirits (but one did become a very close friend despite our differences) but just regularly having little positive experiences of people who clearly thought I was a pleasant person built my confidence and made me feel less isolated.

I found Meetup excellent for finding groups of people and that's how I built most of my social circle. I had to be really firm and fight for my right to go out, and I found it helped that these groups often meet weekly or monthly so I could negotiate to have fixed times set aside for me. You have to believe in yourself that you need and deserve it. Before that it was always DH that went out and had time to himself away, but once I had definite groups and times it was easier to stand my ground about it.

I was fortunate in that I bonded with people when I started to explore my spiritual beliefs. I had to put aside the fact that many of them had a rather different take on it than I did but nevertheless by virtue of what we were discussing it built intimacy and I now have many very good friends I found that way. My mum is Christian and has a great social life she built through Bible groups and church. It doesn't have to be "religious" though, atheism is spiritual too and many of my friends are firm atheists. It's more about a shared interest in certain big questions in life, really.

There are also others that I only see when I get to groups based around my interests, and we also only talk about that, but the affection and appreciation is genuine nonetheless, and I come away having laughed loads and feeling like a valued member of the group.

I joined a support group for post-natal depression and though I've sadly lost touch with the people in it now I'll never forget how that intimacy and comfort helped me.

Many people here have more negative experiences of Facebook but it was a game-changer for me. I reconnected with old friends and found a little community of disparate people who shared my sense of humour and love of nature. Some of them I've only met once in person, still we regularly enjoy commenting on each other's posts. Others have turned into offline friends as we have met up for coffee. I find to get the best out of FB just ignore the negative and focus on the bits you connect with. It draws more of the same to you. (Literally, with FB's interfering algorithms! and you do have to watch out for their insensitive ads and dodgy suggested posts...)

Sometimes it is as simple as having the courage to show other people that you care about them and are interested in them when you know they are going through a hard time. Often we care but don't show it, so if you pluck up the courage to enquire after someone or do some small helpful act that can build trust between you, or you can give sincere congratulations and compliments. When we are lonely sometimes we withdraw into ourselves because we are scared of rejection, but if we show our caring for others in a small way then that strengthens the connection. I couldn't manage ongoing voluntary work but it helped to step up and volunteer for one-offs as well.

I don't think it is so much that you are too needy, because we are all needy when we are lonely. If you had to not be needy none of us would ever find our way out of loneliness. What you do have to be is patient and not take things personally when people are more occupied with their own stuff than with you and they don't reply or invite you to things. Spread your net wide and keep on making those positive contacts, enjoy a variety of different contacts with people and in time genuine friendships will blossom. Remember, how other people treat you is more about them than you, unless you are really being an arsehole or totally self-centred which I am sure you wouldn't be.

With my friends around me I was better able to tackle the toxic way my dh was treating me and he is now my exdh. The irony being that he is now one of my best friends as I started calling him on his crap and he's now found someone else. He's a much better ex than he was a husband.

Oh, and I love Springy's quote!!

best of luck, scruffleshuffle, have faith in yourself, you will get there in time :)

[SnowflakeObsidian]

Oh goodness, I had no idea how long that was! Sorry! as you can tell it's a topic that is close to my heart as I remember all too well that aching feeling of loneliness and how painful it was :(

[springydaffs]

Great post snowflake

[scruffleshuffle]

Thanks Snowflake :) a fantastic post :) a great message... I shall just keep pushing forward with the gestures and hope that eventually, friendships flourish.

[seaurchin2016]

Whenever you feel really down post on here. I'll keep an eye out for you so you have someone to chat to. All the best