Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Very down about situation with STBXH

(20 Posts)
EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 09-Apr-17 16:03:22

I left my controlling, abusive and sometimes violent STBXH last year. We have 2 DCs who live with me and see him every other weekend. X has behaved horribly to me on and off since the split - repeated abusive messages, accusations and once he contacted my work making false allegations (fortunately my boss is great and it went nowhere).

Splitting up has been hard on DCs. The older one is 6 and I have arranged counselling as seeing police officers take daddy etc is damaging. This seems to be helping. I'm worried about the younger one though. STBXH has a new GF and introduced DCs from the start. It's full on into happy families with her, her kids, her parents, her sister - literally weeks after we were living together. Younger DC is 3 and has regressed with toilet training, sleep, talking etc over this time. My sleep is disturbed every night by DC coming in to be with me and I'm so tired I'm ratty, tearful etc.

Row with STBXH this week as he says he wants me to take DC to doctors for the toileting. But the accidents are all at daddy's house, this week with me there was only one day with accidents. I've checked with nursery and they think it's all normal for the age. But at his house there can be 10+ accidents a day.

It came to a head the last two days. STBXH's position is I am jealous of his relationship, lying about the accidents. I think DC is hugely unsettled by the split and X's new relationship, and he should spend time with his kids the two days he has them.

X also thinks I left him for another man - I didn't. He is convinced I am shagging a male friend - I'm not, he has a GF and is a friend. This week he's thrown loads of accusations - that I want to get rid of the kids so I can go away (he chose to have them this week, I'm at work), that I'm going away with male friend (especially galling as said friend is away in a stunning looking resort in Thailand) and that I prioritise my love life over my kids (I have NO life outside my kids, I can't even manage to exercise). It's got me down, my life seems so pathetic, especially compared to this shagging and drinking one he imagines I have, and his is going so well. I want to be a good mum but I'm exhausted all the time and sick of having remaining energy leeched by this horrible man. Please help me locate a grip?

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 09-Apr-17 16:03:48

Sorry, that ended up long blush

Astro55 Sun 09-Apr-17 16:07:04

Take a step back

Ignore the crap - don't justify

'He's had 10 accidents at mine' OK
'You need to get him to the doctors' OK

Don't engage - don't justify

Regain then power think TWAT don't say it

Keep all messages for the courts

BeKind89 Sun 09-Apr-17 16:12:53

Yeah I don't think his life is as perfect as he makes out somehow. He doesn't sound like a very well put together guy, and if this new girlfriend is also really happy for him to move in and meet her kids straight away then she must be a real class act, too.

Just reassure your DC that mummy and daddy both love them very much and try to disengage them from as much adult conflict as possible (which I'm sure you do anyway)

Mamia15 Sun 09-Apr-17 16:18:02

Detach and disengage. Its the only way. Google grey rock technique.

Moussemoose Sun 09-Apr-17 16:22:59

He's wrong you know he is. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

MimiSunshine Sun 09-Apr-17 16:25:31

X also thinks I left him for another man - I didnt
Because you couldn't possible have left due to any fault of his.

This week he's thrown loads of accusations - that I want to get rid of the kids so I can go away
You mean he does

and that I prioritise my love life over my kids and this is definitely him projecting on to you.

It's got me down, my life seems so pathetic, especially compared to this shagging and drinking one he imagines I have
I doubt he really does think that but if he constantly accuses you and you constantly deny it then he can feel in control of your behaviour and reassured that you're still his

I want to be a good mum you're a great mum

He's still trying to control you, disengage from him, don't rise to the bait. He thinks your youngest should see a doctor, well as his dad he's entitled to take him, next time just say 'the nursery and I don't agree but you're welcome to book an appointment and take DC'

He accuses you of seeing other men. So you reply 'what if I am, how's [girlfriend]?

OliviaBenson Sun 09-Apr-17 16:27:42

Do you know what, I would take them to the drs. Then it will be on record that his behaviour is directly affecting your dc.

BigGrannyPants Sun 09-Apr-17 16:32:17

His life isn't so rosie OP, why do you think he is so focused on you. Stop letting his words affect you, he's only saying them to hurt you and deflect attention away from his bad behaviour and bad parenting. You are doing great, so focused on your kids and making sure you are doing everything to make it as easy as you can for them. He knows that he is unsettling them. To have to keep facing your abuser and try to be diplomatic must take amazing strength. Don't let him under your skin, he's trying to regain control. Ignore the utter shit that he's spouting and stay focused on your children... maybe you and the kids should have a holiday, no contact with your X

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 09-Apr-17 17:08:06

Wow I didn't expect so many responses! Thank you flowers

I really am trying to detach and not engage when he throws this shit at me. With the sleep deprivation recently it just got to me. I am investigating court options.

Mimi I did say that nursery and I don't agree but as he has PR he can ring the doctor and talk it through. He wants to tell me what to do though. I think Olivia may have a point about discussing the toileting with GP anyway.

Thank you all for being so kind, I am doing my best for DCs but just getting a bit down. I can't manage a holiday at the moment BigGrannyPAnts but might start looking into the summer, something to look forward to.

Finola1step Sun 09-Apr-17 17:17:42

You've had some great advice on this thread already. I'm full of admiration for what you have done. You must be one heck of a strong woman to get yourself and your dc away from living with your ex.

Can I make one small suggestion. Make an appt with your GP to discuss your youngest. Just you for now. Not because Bastard Chops tells you to. But because it wouldn't harm you talking through with your GP that your dc is having lots of toileting accidents when in the care of his Dad. No harm in there being an official record of you being the one to discuss that I would have thought.

ivykaty44 Sun 09-Apr-17 17:26:26

Poor you, ex is used to telling people what to do, isn't he..

Just say ok, you book the appointment and let me know the outcome.

If he wants you to take DC to go then say ok I'll see if i can get an appointment - then don't get one.

Keep smiling and don't do what he says but be agreeable.

Your DC are with you 90% of the time and happy, fortunately the time with thier dad is limited

imablackstarnotapopstar Sun 09-Apr-17 17:41:52

Totally agree - the only way to deal with an abusive ex is to totally ignore. I ended up blocking texts and emails and telling him I would only respond to letters through our solicitors or face to face in front of a witness at handover. That shut him up!

Tell him the contact has been set up, you are divorcing him, there is nothing else to discuss.

1981trouble Sun 09-Apr-17 17:46:41

Re the toileting - can you keep a diary identifying when the accidents happen (and ask nursery to also do it) so you can show the dr.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 09-Apr-17 18:16:02

Great advice re little one. Thank you for helping me step outside the emotion and think clearly.

Zumbarunswim Sun 09-Apr-17 18:23:11

Really good advice above, it sounds like you are doing amazingly and it must be really hard for you being so tired too. This is the eye of the storm, if you can just push through it things will get better and better the further he is out of your life. Yy to him projecting all his massive failings on to you. Well done, you sound amazing! flowers

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 09-Apr-17 18:54:13

Thank you Zumba. I don't feel as though I'm doing well ☹️. Need to keep in pushing through.

WorknameJimEllis Sun 09-Apr-17 19:09:35

Bloody hell

It's SO obvious reading that that he is projecting his guilty conscience onto you.

I'd suggest hearing what he says as :

'I'm putting my love life first'
'I'm trying to get rid of the kids for a week'

Give him a vague smile nod and ' yes I daresay you're right'

He knows. You know and he knows you know what his true feelings are here.

The other really obvious thing is you are so caught up in being seen to be a good mum. I get that, and he has been a monumental twat and broken down your confidence, but seriously stop beating yourself up about it. Good enough is good enough.

Marmalade85 Sun 09-Apr-17 19:21:04

Your ex is so wrong to do this on so many levels. I have an abusive ex but it's no contact at the moment while we go through court. How is he communicating with you? You need to restrict it i.e personal email only.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 09-Apr-17 20:44:39

Thank you WorkName you're right about accepting being good enough. Being hard on myself isn't helping DCs. Marmalade you're right too, I need to restrict his ability to contact me and drag me down.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: