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9 years of shit ... please cheer me up(4 Posts)
Hello all and thanks for reading.
Got married at 32 and had dc x 3. Now 49. Discovered his cheating, lies, etc 9 years ago. Bolt out of the blue (never thought it would be me) and I was absolutely devastated. He became abusive - physically, emotionally, financially. After a year of trying/counselling/being treated as a door mat I kicked him out.
We had had a relatively blessed life until then but I spent the next few weeks in various dole offices and clap clinics.
For the next 6/7 years he put me and dc through hell of prolonged divorce, contact, court appearances etc ... you've heard it all before.
I had stopped work when dc3 was born. I was five years out of work at time of split. Summoned up huge strength and relaunched myself back into a career. Have slogged and slogged and been successful.
Dc are now mostly teenagers (were toddlers/primary age at time of split). Not perfect but I think I've done the best job I could in the circumstances.
Have also had to deal with aging parents during the same period. Dad had dementia and other horrible illnesses for 6 years. Died Xmas 2015. Mum lives on and is challenging.
Friends have mostly naffed off - I've neglected them due to lack of time.
Here's the problem - I should be pleased:
1) I adore my dc and, given the circumstances, they're doing ok
2) I got rid of the a*hole sooner rather than later
3) Career has reached new levels since I got rid of him
But I'm not.
I'm just sad. I still feel betrayed, I feel like my best years have been robbed from me, I feel that my dc have also been betrayed and put through stuff they should never have seen but will never forget.
I want to be happy again.
Hey Rosebz, sorry you feel like this. I'm awake at this crazy hour feeling sad about how my life is about to fall apart...divorce being forced upon me by a man child.
We shouldn't let a man (or probably anyone) dictate our lives. You sound amazing. You've taken things on and made change happen. Perhaps you feel low as you've lost your 'self' in the battle. Maybe take some more time for yourself? Even one evening a week. If the DC are teenagers then let the eldest babysit. Go to the theatre. Go to the gym. Wallow in a bath. Read some great books. Life is out there. It might feel like it's hiding but it's there for you. I'm hoping it'll be there for me when I look back on my current misery with the benefit of 9 years' hindsight.
Cliched response from me but have you considered having some counselling to deal with your rage/sadness. You could try doing a mindfulness course - help you think in the present when you start to ruminate on the past. Do the "gratitude journal" thing - I do this each day but in my head. I stay on the "level" but every so often the sadness breaks through.
It is fine to be angry - you have every right to be and I agree it's so hard to think about whet your DC have been put through. You did your best you have been a strong and stable presence for your DC and put their needs first. Be extremely kind to yourself.
I think Oliver Sacks said something about how to move on you need to give up the hope of a better past. I try not to think back, to not ruminate on the past and to start doing some busy work if I feel those intrusive thoughts breaking through.
You sound awesome and I'm so pleased that you've been so successful in your second career! That is not to be sniffed at! And neither is being a brilliant mum under very challenging circumstances. As 40 is the new 30 (I'm 40 ) then 50 is the new 40 so your best years are very much still ahead! Maybe now is the time to focus on yourself a bit more - join a gym or try new exercise classes, spend more time on activities that bring you joy (e.g. Art, going to gigs, doing craft, music, dancing, studying etc), learn a language, travel, or pamper yourself, have a little style makeover. Are you in a new relationship or have you been dating? Keep looking forward and thinking about what you could do to make you feel happier.
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