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After the event...

(10 Posts)
bluesbaby Sun 09-Apr-17 00:42:13

I split with fiance at the end of last year in October. I was really unhappy, and it was a mutual split, however he began the discussion - weeks after avoiding me so we were never in the same room. It was unbearable at the time and a relief when it was over. We were together over 8 long years, and I was a bit of a wreck initially (... and the preceding 10 months... we were going through the motions while I was trying to figure out what to do and how to break it off).

He's had a new girlfriend since we split. He swears it didn't overlap, but... I'm pretty sure he cheated. He's a shit liar, and when I confronted him, he told me he'd met her but didn't sleep with her. I don't believe him, but it's neither here nor there really, because it's over now, and I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore. I just feel so angry and betrayed, despite the relief that we're not together anymore.

He was such a fucking bore while I was with him - we went through his depression together, it was no walk in the park, he was a sponge on my emotions, my own mental health, and my finances.

All of a sudden he's out doing the things that he couldn't possibly have fun trying to do before. It's quite infuriating, although I know it's the honeymoon stage, I know what he's like so she's probably having to deal with his back seat driving, constant moaning, and inability to do anything by himself for himself. I know this. I know he'll slip eventually because he is who he is and he's been this way with every single girlfriend.

What's upset me tonight is the news that he's buying a house with his girlfriend. sad It was such an incredible effort to even get him into an estate agents with me to find out what we could afford - luckily we never did buy together - but the news has just sortof floored me. I just cannot believe he's run off with this girl to buy a house - when he couldn't commit to me. It's been barely any time. I know logically that he has no money (he owed me a few thousand which I wrote off because he's fucking terrible at paying anyone back), so I know she's funding it all (so she's the one who's going to get burnt). I know all this. It feels like I'm disconnected; the logic is there and I know what he's like, and I haven't loved him in a long time, but it still hurts. So bad.

Sorry to rant. sad Just feel a bit shit right now.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 09-Apr-17 00:44:34

Eurgh. What a dick.

It doesn't help OP but he'll revert to type eventually.

You deserve a lovely person who is the person that they appear to be at first! No swapsies!!!!!

Are you going to get back out there?

bluesbaby Sun 09-Apr-17 01:09:45

Thanks Troll. sad
I did start telling people I was single and was a bit overwhelmed by the men tbh!
I'm dating a lovely guy, he knows the full story and where we're at, I'm taking it extremely slowly and not jumping into anything serious, and I'm not going to live with anyone without dating them for quite a while first. I made that mistake with my ex. I only knew him for 3 months before we got a place together (rented).

It seems the ties are too hard to break - and some will never break, with mutual friends and family. I'm finding this part very hard.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 09-Apr-17 01:53:15

Just enjoy a nice long strung out honeymoon period. (I wish it could last forever!!)

There's a really good saying "If somebody shows you themselves, believe them." - If your mutual friends and family aren't onto him yet they will be eventually.

SandyY2K Sun 09-Apr-17 06:02:37

Be glad he's not your problem any more.

noego Sun 09-Apr-17 18:29:51

When they go they take their baggage with them, unfortunately you still have a rucksack with his name on it on your back, until you take it off you won't move on properly.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 09-Apr-17 18:36:44

Eight years is a very long time. Hold steady and allow yourself time to grieve, rant, recover. Your feelings don't have to be rational right now.

He sounds like a prick and you are well rid!

JustSpeakSense Sun 09-Apr-17 18:39:07

Just sit back and relax and watch it all unfold, aren't you glad he's her headache now and not yours? Poor woman....does she have any idea she has inherited a manchild?

You need to focus on building your own life now, pouring positive energy into everything you love. Once you have recovered, everything will fall nicely into place. This is your time now. flowers

JustSpeakSense Sun 09-Apr-17 18:40:57

@AtrociousCircumstance grieve,rant,recover

I love that, it's perfect!

WifeyFish Sun 09-Apr-17 20:22:40

My XH was like this, managed 9 months before the anxiety and depression hit and showed his true colours. Sadly I spent the following 6 years trying to rediscover that person he'd been during the early days, naively believing that that was the real him and that his MH issues were the reason he wasn't himself. Sadly reality hit on our honeymoon when he told me he was so glad he was finally himself again...this was at a point when he still had panic attacks when driving, couldn't cope with a menial full time job and was still having freak outs where he was afraid he'd hurt himself. I knew then and there that it was over and a month after we returned from honeymoon we separated after I realised that the man I'd been with during those tough six years was really the person he was.

He also quickly moved on and I was appalled to see him driving all over the place with her, getting drunk on nights out (he was teetotal during our relationship) and taking holidays (his fear of flying meant we'd own been on a proper holiday once in all those years). It was as if he'd reverted back to guy I'd met all those years ago and like you I wobbled, but then I think of all the stress I went through with him, the way I felt alone even when he was in the room and the genuine fear I felt every time he had an episode in case he did actually harm himself, oh and the debt I'm still paying off 5 years later and remember the very reason I walked away. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but I'm infinitely happier these days with my own house and an amazing DP who I couldn't imagine being without.

Give it time and don't try to rush the dating process. I too tried to date as soon as I knew he'd moved on, but it scared the hell out of me, enough so that I instead chose to take time out and focus on me...rediscovering hobbies, meeting up with old friends and worked out what I wanted in life and what would make me happy before dipping my toe in the dating pool again.

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