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Can I ask about weight and how your partner deals with it?

(162 Posts)
catscurledupbythefire Sat 08-Apr-17 09:19:13

I'm going to try to be honest here, but it's not easy. Don't flame mesmile

I am greedy, always have been. But I was a normal sized child. Tiny bit chubby at thirteen, mother practically had a nervous breakdown, food became a hugely contentious issue. I was anorexic (though at the less serious end of the scale) at fourteen/fifteen and then discovered if I exercised I could more or less eat as I pleased, so I did.

When I met DH I was a 'nice size' - about between 9 and 10 stone which at my height is pretty much perfect. I've never had a knockout figure anyway so wasn't arsed about that. It was always the hair for me. I was lucky (still am) to have a lot of lovely fair hair so everyone commented favourably on that and so that was the 'thing' that gave me confidence.

But ... over the years, I've gained weight and it's affected us. Since having the first baby it's been a cycle of losing weight and gaining it and now I am ashamed to say I've put on FOUR STONE since my last pregnancy blush and I am pretty, well, huge.

Doing things as a family is hard, we went to the beach last week and I was all puffed out chasing DD. And clothes - I can't walk round in rags but just the same I can't expect DH to fork out for an entire new wardrobe every time I lose or gain a stone. And I know it affects our sex life. He still says I am beautiful but there's always a 'but' there.

So to get to the point of this we are away this weekend. DH has asked me if, from Monday, I could 'seriously consider' losing some weight. He is worried about my health, has told me I am setting a bad example to the children and I am not the same person he married.

He's right, so why do I feel so pissed off? And how would you feel?

Naicehamshop Sat 08-Apr-17 09:22:48

Just to clarify, when you say "there is always a but there" (when he tells you that you are beautiful) has he actually put that "but" into words in the past, or do you just feel that it's there?

TheNaze73 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:26:49

You can only do it for yourself. No one else. It does sound like he has your best interests at heart but, thus has to be for you. You can't legislate for his thoughts towards you though, everyone will be different

Msqueen33 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:27:45

I'm in exactly the same position you except I stopped eating in my early 20s, dropped to eight stone and at 5'6 was too small and I was very close to or probably had an eating disorder.

I'm greedy now. I admit it. Both my parents are the same. I'm 4 stone overweight and hate myself for it. My dh never comments. I feel my weight affecting my health and my life. Hopefully if he's a nice guy all round he sure saying it because he is worried about you. Happy to pm if you want a diet buddy.

Hellofromme Sat 08-Apr-17 09:29:15

From the way you have put it I would say his comments are fair enough. As long as he is commenting from a place of worrying about your health and not insulting your appearance, I can understand his feelings. I also get that you would feel defensive. The bottom line is, do you want to do something about it?

squirreltrap Sat 08-Apr-17 09:29:27

I know people will come on this thread and say he should love you whatever, but in the real world it does make a difference.

You are clearly not happy being 4 stone overweight, so don't get all pissy that he has pointed out the very same thing and crack on with finding out how to solve the issue.

It IS unhealthy to be 4 stone overweight. I am 'of an age' where my friends who are very overweight really are getting many more health issues than they should be. It doesn't matter so much when you are young, but in your 40s and 50s, you will really curse yourself for not doing anything about it.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Sat 08-Apr-17 09:41:58

I have a friend who gains and loses weight a lot, bounces between a size 14 and then to a size 26. Then she goes into absolute misery mode and goes on these drastic Lighter Life type diets, and loses the weight in utter misery. After literally starving herself she then over eats and round it goes.

Her DH is also a long time friend of mine, he wants her to lose weight but it it makes her happier. Because in this cycle she's in utter misery and it affects her relationship and her family life.

In the end he just wants her to be happy. If she could be happy at a size 26 then I think he'd be ok. But I agree, he also sees her feeling unwell, under confident etc at her current weight so he wants her to loose it to pit her in a happy and safe place.

But it's a minefield for him, and hard for her.

I'm not slim, I'm a size 16, but I agree, it's affecting my health as I get older and I need to get more active.

I hope you can find a happy place OP.

Chops2016 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:44:58

At the end of the day if you are unhappy about your weight and fitness then you should do something about it. It sounds as if you aren't happy with where you are size-wise and that's reason enough, regardless what your DH thinks.

I also put on 4 stone after my pregnancy and I hated my body. I've lost just over 2 stone of it now and although I'm not "happy" with my body yet I'm getting there. I understand how it's easy to get in a rut and feel annoyed about it.

Ita good that your DH is concerned for your health. Although I would have been a tad annoyed (irrationally) at my DH pointing out my weight gain tbh, the truth hurts 😅

Sample1936 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:45:09

Just reading your post it's clear you don't like your current size. The most important person here is you.
Even if your husband finds you gorgeous, if you don't feel so it's all immaterial.

Focus on what you want.

He is probably fed up with the highs and lows, famine and starvation patterns and just wants you to feel happy and less worried/focused on weight.

I'd also consider counselling for the food issues as i really believe a lot of it stems from psychological issues.

catscurledupbythefire Sat 08-Apr-17 09:46:43

Thanks. Ineed, a lot of that resonates. Unfortunately I have never yet managed to lose weight 'conventionally', it's always been through severely restricting myself.

Crumbs1 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:48:07

I think you have to look at it as he's telling you not because he's being critical, not because your not beautiful but because he loves you and wants you to stay healthy enough to enjoy your times together in the years ahead. It sounds like it's more of a confidence issue for you and he wants to support you to feel better about yourself. Maybe consider weight watchers? Have you got a friend to go with? Add in something fun for the pair or you to do together- salsa dancing, cycling or just nice walks along the beach.

catscurledupbythefire Sat 08-Apr-17 09:53:11

It's hard doing any exercise at the moment, really, because I am so big blush we've got a family gym membership at a posh gym and I went the other day and was so fat and red faced and sweaty and ugly, I felt like just apologising to everyone in the room! grin

Naicehamshop Sat 08-Apr-17 09:53:29

It's hard to tell from what you have written, but if you have always felt an implied criticism from him about your weight, then that is very unhelpful.

jeaux90 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:55:28

Cats try looking at the long term picture. I mean I would be upset yes but he loves you and is looking out for you.

I'll give you an example. My parents both spent most of their middle age over weight, eating too much and not being active.

Now they are elderly, immobile, have diabetes and pretty miserable existence since they retired if I'm honest.

The short term stuff you get. You want to feel better, to feel confident but try also thinking about what happens later in life.

At 42 I made some big changes. 45 now and they stuck. I'm a single mum and I had to. You have the support of your DH so tell him what you need....I need 30 mins a day to walk, swim whatever....I need you to help cook.....work out what is stopping you and ask him to help. X

Thattimeofyearagain Sat 08-Apr-17 09:57:56

I'm about 2:5 stone overweight, in the past I was about 3:5 stone overweight. It was a problem, he was honest about it but not hurtful.
I lost the lot and kept it off for a good while.
Due to bad health/ diagnosed condition / medication I have put the 2:5 stone back on. This is a problem for me- he never mentions it and when I bring it up he just says that its not my fault.
I WANT to lose this weight now that my health is stable ( 5lb down wink) and he is supportive, but only because its something that I want to do.

catscurledupbythefire Sat 08-Apr-17 09:58:44

I think it's because my mother used to bang on and on about my weight, so when he says anything I revert to sulky teen mode!

applefalls Sat 08-Apr-17 09:58:56

Please don't feel anything but pride that you've gone to the gym. It's literally one step at a time, and you've taken it.

Your husband has done what I had to; it was a difficult conversation but my husband jeopardised his health to the point he had heart problems last year.

He's lost six stones and he is such a happy, confident, healthy man.

Gallavich Sat 08-Apr-17 09:59:50

You are about 14 stone right? So not debilitated by weight and certainly capable of exercising. I was 14 stone at Christmas and I run twice a week and go to Zumba. Yes I am overweight but that doesn't stop me exercising! I have lost 10lb since Christmas because I am taking it easy and seeing it as something that has to be sustainable not a crazy fad or crash diet which is what I have done in the past.
You need an attitude adjustment I think. Buy a fitness tracker and start planning how to calorie control your existing diet so you can still eat normally whilst losing weight.
I'm saying none of this because your DH wants you to lose weight of course but because clearly you do.

catscurledupbythefire Sat 08-Apr-17 10:01:07

Yes, 14 stone 1 pound, to be precise! I am starting cambridge on Monday. DH annoys me as after a fortnight of praising me he starts eating copious amounts around me!

Chops2016 Sat 08-Apr-17 10:02:28

When I started seriously trying to lose weight after baby I found it so hard as well, partly the excess weight, but also because my muscles - particularly my core muscles - were wrecked from carrying baby. This made even light exercise feel impossible and id give up after 5 mins.

What really helped for me was starting with postpartum core exercises for a couple of weeks to build up my core and very slowly building it up from there. Don't push yourself to do more than you are able to, only move on when what you are doing feels 'too easy' now.

Here is the video I started with youtu.be/mzEbSFBgQGk she does a few postnatal ones and they are nice and short, but effective!

I don't like the gym either, but there are so many other options! Go for long walks, exercise dvds, youtube videos, wii fitness games, cycle, fitness classes (I love doing zumba these days). Gym is definitely not for everyone.

catscurledupbythefire Sat 08-Apr-17 10:03:48

The problem is, as much as I know the gym isn't for everyone, everything is not for me when I'm this size if you follow me! I will hate anything so it's a question of enduring it rather than stumbling upon something I will love by accident.

Chops2016 Sat 08-Apr-17 10:05:11

Omg my hubby is the same with stuffing his face when I'm trying to diet! Last 3 days we have had a fully iced carrot cake on the aide in the kitchen while he slowly ate it... and I am typing this with half a family size galaxy chocolate bar next to me on the sofa he started this morning 🙈

Oh well, it's character building!

arsenaltilidie Sat 08-Apr-17 10:07:05

FWIW I'm not being patronising but when I see an overweight person at the gym, the first thing that comes to mind is good for her/him.

Do whatever you wish, crush diets or whatever.
Eventually something will work long term.

NotMyPenguin Sat 08-Apr-17 10:07:33

My DP (who is very unreliable in other ways, and not always around) is actually really lovely about this.

I have put on about 3 and a half stone since we had DD1, so clearly I am not quite the same as when we first got together!

But he just says that I have a beautiful body and that he loves me, and I really do believe that is true despite the change in my body and weight.

In the past when I lost a lot of weight it was through a combination of healthy eating and doing exercise that made me feel happy, which in my case turned out to be swimming and yoga. The change in eating habits was what prompted the actual weight loss, but exercising in ways that I enjoyed made a real difference to me psychologically and kept me happy and energised.

Phoebefromfriends Sat 08-Apr-17 10:07:36

Could you get a personal trainer at the gym, even in the short term it might help you when you go to the gym and they can help you to focus on your goal. Gyms can be intimidating could you try lots of walking to start with, exercise and diet together really are the key to sustained weight loss. Good luck OP.

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