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Depressed husband, miserable wife

(6 Posts)
SaucySusanVsNormalSusan Fri 07-Apr-17 23:16:34

We've been married a long time and have two teenagers. As long as I've known him DH has suffered with depression, either bad or low level. He's taken anti depressants and tried CBT but come off them every time because of physical health problems he has which seem to be worse with the medications. I love him very much but most weeks he barely speaks to me except to say that things are bad and he hasn't got the energy to deal with home as well as his difficult job. When he is feeling good it's great and so much easer. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make him feel better. He won't socialise with me and doesn't really have friends where we live. Kids both have ASD and are difficult which adds to the strain. I'm just so tired of trying all the time.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 08-Apr-17 00:29:14

He has been like this for as long as you've known him, which has been, what, 20 years ish?

That's his personality then. There's no cure for that.

I feel like I'm constantly trying to make him feel better. Stop it. Not your job. Make yourself feel better instead. Go out. Make friends. Have fun.

Jazzywazzydodah Sat 08-Apr-17 00:38:10


My dad has dragged his poor wife right down to the level he is permanently on. Everything is always some one else's fault. He has genuinely made her ill with this ... illness but to honest I agree with rabbit. If my dad is ill then this illness has took over him and changed him irreversibly. Since I was a child he has like this and I'm nearly 40.

Depression fall out is annamazing book for families with someone who has depression in. It's easy to read. Read it. It will be a light bulb moment.

I also have a mother with MH (hospitalised many times) growing up with those two as parents wasn't great angry

00100001 Sat 08-Apr-17 10:44:29

I might get that book

Chasingsquirrels Sat 08-Apr-17 10:51:31

I have no real experience of MH issues, but it must be grueling - for both of you.
I hope you can find some way to improve your lives.

Rattata Sat 08-Apr-17 12:43:21

yes read Anne Sheffield's book and check out the general discussion board

I think you need to emotionally detach and try and get on with your own life. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and stop focusing all your energy on DH. Would you consider splitting up - soun ds like you could really do with a break.

Personally for me not having treatment would be a deal breaker - he should be having counselling at the very least. Many of the medications you need to take for several weeks and calibrate to compensate for the side effects to be effective - do you think he gave up on them too soon? He needs to want to help himself - you did not cause, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it - so look to yourself!

No matter how much you do to help him it will never be good enough. It is a totally selfish illness.

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