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Pregnant and struggling to cope with rejection

(27 Posts)
hibbledobble Fri 07-Apr-17 23:08:15

Please only kind replies. I'm deliberately posting here rather than elsewhere as I'm hoping to avoid the nasty relies. I'm very pregnant so the hormones are messing with me and probably clouding my judgement too.

I'm pregnant with no 3 and it genuinely feels like no one gives a damp. Family book to go away during / around due date, then say they forgot I was due. They knew we would be relying on them for childcare to make it to hospital. Home birth not an option for medical reasons.

We currently have builders in, and house is a dusty, fumy mess. Baby could arrive very soon. I ask my parents who live in a huge house (more than 10 rooms) if we could stay with them just for a few days/a week until work is completed and we have a chance to get cleaners in, and they say no as 'they don't have space'. It would be less hurtful if there was any truth to this. My late 20s brother is still living with them and has 3 rooms for his sole use. I'm rarely allowed to even visit.

I tried to tell them that this rejection is hurtful, but they don't want to hear. They have offered no practical support whatsoever (eg helping us to find somewhere to live, helping find a cleaner ) but just said to go back to the building site with the baby, regardless of the health risks.

I have looked at local short let's but they are very expensive, likely prohibitively so for us.

I just feel like our options are pretty limited, and I'm finding the lack of care very upsetting. I realise that everything is off kilter right now due to pregnancy, and maybe I'm unreasonable to expect any support, bit perhaps they could be nicer about it. I have been there for my parents when they have had physical illness, and have attended hospital, taken time off work to care for them etc. It just feels like when I could do with help there isn't any forthcoming, and they aren't even nice about that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 08-Apr-17 01:45:48

I don't think you are off kilter. I think you are seeing the situation as it really is whereas in the past you tried to fool yourself.

You right to be upset at the lack of care. It is crap having selfish parents who don't give a shit about you except when they need something from you. I know only too well.

Remember this feeling. Don't shove it down later and pretend everything is lovely while tending to their needs. This is exactly the time to make the decision to stop giving of yourself to those who only take from you.

scoobydoo1971 Sat 08-Apr-17 02:09:39

I have a difficult relationship (no, impossible) with my mother...you have my sympathy. Just focus on the lovely new baby arriving soon, it is a wonderful feeling and they grow up too quickly. If home is getting you down, why don't you find a local holiday park and rent a caravan. They will be cheap off-peak? It may not be bricks and mortar but it will be dust free and a good temporary measure. Don't be afraid to talk to your midwife about life pressures and lack of family support either.

highinthesky Sat 08-Apr-17 02:30:43

This is very difficult but please don't take DP's rejection personally. It says much more about them than you.

Concentrate on your own family and personal support network. Who will be the first to celebrate with you when DC3 comes into this world? Draw on their support in advance.

The environment will be a big problem with a new baby and the most pressing issie. Is there anyone in your DP's social circle that have known you from childhood that could help you? Think about godparents, anyone that attended you wedding.

Good luck flowers

Rescuepuppydaft2 Sat 08-Apr-17 03:51:38

I would post on social media tagging your parents, saying that as you are heavily pregnant and living in a building site you are concerned about the danger to your new babies lungs. Say that your parents are going away but have said they couldn't possibly make room for their just delivered daughter and newborn grandchild in their house. Ask if anyone has a caravan/ spare bedroom or knows of anywhere you could stay temporarily until your house has been finished/ cleaned.

Shame them, I bet they jump to tell you that there has been a misunderstanding in front of all of their Facebook/ twitter friends and family. Your parents are appalling! Ask your db if he could make space for you in one of the three rooms your parents have provided him with. How lucky he is to be the golden child!

Does your dh have parents/ siblings/ friends who might be able to give you a safe place to bring your little one home to??

Charlie97 Sat 08-Apr-17 06:25:17

I would post on social media tagging your parents, saying that as you are heavily pregnant and living in a building site you are concerned about the danger to your new babies lungs. Say that your parents are going away but have said they couldn't possibly make room for their just delivered daughter and newborn grandchild in their house. Ask if anyone has a caravan/ spare bedroom or knows of anywhere you could stay temporarily until your house has been finished/ cleaned.

Please don't do this, this is use of social media at its worst!

Your parents are out of order, so just withdraw quietly after the baby is born? Will they be keen to see baby after birth? Perhaps don't have visitors until all building work dive and cleaned up? How much longer for the works to be finished? Did it run over?

happydays2017 Sat 08-Apr-17 06:56:09

How horrible for you, it's time to focus on your own little family and try to distance yourself emotionally from such uncaring, selfish people. Don't dwell on this but put the memory away safe and bring it out when they need you in the future, no more playing nursemaid for them etc as kindness is a two way street.

DameXanaduBramble Sat 08-Apr-17 07:18:35

Do not do the FB shaming, it's a really awful idea. It sucks when parents don't want to help but I do think they get stuck in their ways as they get older, just store it all up for when they need you.

PaterPower Sat 08-Apr-17 07:32:38

Are your parents united in this or is it just your Mum? If you think your Dad may be more sympathetic (at least in helping financially so you can rent) then try talking to him separately.

As other pp have said - try other rellies or friends. The static caravan idea also sounds like a reasonable way to keep costs down and your other dc will probably think it's a mini holiday.

Shayelle Sat 08-Apr-17 07:56:04

Poor you that sounds horrible and its very upsetting when parents act that way. Dont let them have time with baby when baby arrives. Good luck and hope you find a practical temporary solution xx

Rescuepuppydaft2 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:47:45

Apologies for the bad advice, I am angry on your behalf op and can't believe that your parents would have so little regard for you, their grandchildren and their newborn grandchild. Please don't think that their behaviour reflects on you, it says so much more about them than you! They are clearly narcissists and you have probably been the scapegoat for your whole life.

Are there any short term let's in your local area? Or local caravan parks? Where I live there is a man with a holiday let and out of season you can get a great deal on accommodation. Do you know how long it will take for your house/ building work to be completed? I would let your midwife know that you will be in temporary accommodation post birth. Especially as they will be coming out.

I fully accept that using social media as I suggested is not a good idea. However social media could still be the way forward, are you a member of any local ad pages on Facebook? You could post saying that you will be looking for temporary accommodation in your local area. Or perhaps even a loan/ rental of a caravan. Hopefully if you share your post you might find friends, relatives or in-laws who could accommodate you until the work is done?

I hope that you can organise accommodation soon. I would ask your dh/ dp to take over the search for accommodation and leave you to concentrate on getting things organised for your newborn and your older children.

hibbledobble Sat 08-Apr-17 13:05:33

There are no local caravan parks unfortunately as we are in central London. Hence local rentals being very eexpensive. We would need to be local for the eldest who goes to school.

I have spoken to both of my parents over the phone, and they are both equally unsympathetic. I told them that I find this rejection very hurtful, but I'm apparently no allowed to say that as it is 'confrontational'. I find it very difficult that I'm not even allowed to say how I feel.

I don't know hoe long the building work will take, these things are always unpredictable.

Emotionally I am finding the rejection worse than the uncertainty of not knowing what to do when baby arrives.

Unfortunately there is no one else to ask.

hibbledobble Sat 08-Apr-17 13:10:07

I've not done the Facebook shaming, and definitely have no plans to do so, but I have used it to try to find accommodation. Sadly no luck so far though.

My parents haven't been there for me in the ppast many times as well. When iIhad surgery , and the hospital advised that I must be accompanied home my mum refused to attend as she was 'feeling tired'.I had to ststruggle home alone in agony.

SeaCabbage Sat 08-Apr-17 13:13:51

Your parents are obviously never going to offer any support to you so sadly you need to stop expecting or hoping that that will ever happen. Turn your energies in other directions. Cut or greatly reduce contact with them for your own sanity.

With regard to the building work, as others have asked, what did you plan to do at this point when you decided to start the building work?

I agree with a PP, ask you DH/DP to just get on and sort some accommodation for the period you need it for. Somehow. You don't need this stress at the moment.

Good luck with it all.

hibbledobble Sat 08-Apr-17 13:19:24

I was hoping that the building work would be finished in time, which is perhaps slightly naive in hindsight.

As I'm on maternity leave I feel it's up to me to sort this. Also there is the impossibility of finding somewhere when we don't have the money to pay for it. It looks like we will have to take the baby back to the building site.

Moanyoldcow Sat 08-Apr-17 13:20:38

Ok. Your parents are dicks - that much is clear. You won't get what you need from them so move past and concentrate on the practical at the moment - having a focus will help you cope and put them out of your mind.

How much spare cash have you got? If you can, hire a reputable cleaner to clean the new baby's room and get it ready. Tape up the door really well until the baby arrives home so you'll have somewhere to go that will be really clear.

What are the builders doing? Can you get a well-taped off area clear? Can you ask them to stop work for 2 weeks? Can you stay in a travelodge? Can you get an Air BnB for a week or so?

Write down all the options and get yourself organised.

And good luck with the new baby!

hibbledobble Sun 09-Apr-17 13:33:32

Hiring a cleaner is definitely an option. I have found a decent cleaner difficult to find though.

The building work is throughout the house,so mno possibility of taping off an area. I've looked at airbnb but the prices are eye wateringly expensive, which I guess is unsurprising given our location.

My mother has shown some signs of remorse in that she has now called and offered to book us a cleaner. I have told her that dust is not the only issue though.

hibbledobble Wed 19-Apr-17 13:34:08

So baby arrived... My parents made it very clear we couldn't stay in their house, and local short term rentals just aren't affordable so we brought baby back to the building site. Thankfully did get a cleaner first, but she didn't seem to have cleaned an awful lot.

My mum visited a day after we got home, and said how dirty the house was, how it smelt bad, the builders must be terrible leaving so much dust everywhere. It really felt pretty pointed since we didn't have a choice but to expose the newborn to this, and the least she could have done would have been to stay quiet.

Neverknowing Wed 19-Apr-17 13:38:52

Sounds horrible op. Tell your mum where to stick it tbh!
I think your baby will be okay, maybe speak to the hv about what you can do to keep baby safe smile

MatildaTheCat Wed 19-Apr-17 14:02:56

Congratulations on your new baby. For gods sake keep any contact with your parents down to almost nothing, they sound dreadful. Try to keep your bedroom as dust free as possible and when you can, get out of the house.

Any idea how long the builders will be? Have you had site meetings to discuss getting at least part of the house back?

Sounds a very difficult time but really, no further contact with your parents for a looong time.

AnnaleeP Wed 19-Apr-17 16:41:33

Remember this when they need help in the future.

Siwdmae Wed 19-Apr-17 22:51:37

Why did you let her visit? I would be reducing contact to a bare minimum after the way they've treated you,

hibbledobble Thu 20-Apr-17 08:41:21

You're right I really should be reducing contact, as any contact is rather unpleasant right now, and doesn't make me feel good. They are literally the only family I have in this country though.

matilda I am currently chasing the builders as to how long they will be. Communication from them isn't great at the moment.

I want to get out of the house but no idea what to do really. Children's centres all virtually closed due to government cuts,and Tbh I just want to relax with my newborn.

endofthelinefinally Thu 20-Apr-17 08:46:46

You will not be doing any caring for your parents when they get old.
I would be going NC as of now.
My house was a building site when dd was born.
It was a struggle but we did get through it.

Isetan Thu 20-Apr-17 10:41:56

Your parents don't sound particularly helpful but you really didn't think the building work through. What's your H doing to support you? It sounds like you expected your unhelpful parents to bail you out of a situation that with better foresight, could have been avoidable.

Maybe I'm being too harsh but I am a single parent with no support and so I have to plan everything with the knowledge that there is no one pick up my slack if I mess up.

Congratulations on the birth but not everyone has a helpful family and if you fall into the group that isn't, it's not very smart to rely or expect them to be different. Hopefully, you've learnt a lesson and will be more self reliant in the future.

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