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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Age gap - lying about it

100 replies

Littlemissindependent · 07/04/2017 22:35

Have been chatting to someone for past week. Seems nice, genuine. Agreed to meet up this weekend. At some point in the conversation I told him I had a 'cut off point' of 40, but was prepared to make an exception for him (he told me he was 42). But tonight, after a bit of digging, I've discovered he's actually 46! I haven't told him that I know.... I'm 31. I'm not sure whether to call him on it, wait and see if he says anything when (if) we meet or just cut contact now given that he's lied. Any advice?

OP posts:

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Rudymentary · 07/04/2017 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Platimum · 07/04/2017 22:42

oh just pull the plug now. You're a young woman and should be taking your pick! he'll be having ED issues in about three years or so. sigh.

Platimum · 07/04/2017 22:43

you've been chatting a week? definitely cut loose! not like you've grown attached to him!

honeyroar · 07/04/2017 22:48

My ex lied about his age at the start. When I found out (he told me) I was already a bit smitten, and although the fact that he was so much younger freaked me out, I brushed it under the carpet. I wish I hadn't! He lied about several things over the years, including the fact that he was having an affair in the run up to our wedding. He was really good at lying.

Littlemissindependent · 07/04/2017 22:53

I'm pissed off because we kind of clicked (as much as you can over the phone). And now I know and he doesn't know that I know and it's just going to be awkward and horrible. Urgh. Why lie in the first place???!!!

OP posts:

Platimum · 07/04/2017 22:59

to pull much younger women. which he's done.

Look, age aside, you describe him as ''genuine''.

Did you look at his profile on linkedIn? that's how I caught out a man who subtracted a decade from his age. It's the men who lie! women are all shamed out of it because they know it's a cliché

Littlemissindependent · 07/04/2017 23:01

Platimum yes I did. That and a similar website. He seems so nice, and it's not so much his age I guess, it's the fact he's blatantly lied about it. Don't quite know what to do now

OP posts:

Platimum · 07/04/2017 23:06

How about telling him something like, a male friend/neighbour of yours is 40, or that you went to a fortieth (>) and it's made you realise that 42 is just a little bit too old for you but wish him well, etc.

If he tries to persuade you that you should give him a chance even though he's 42 when he's actually 46 then he's INSANE!

Littlemissindependent · 07/04/2017 23:08

I've told him I'm going to sleep. So at least now I don't have to think about it until tomorrow. Grrrr. Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and meet him on Sunday or tell him it's not happening?

OP posts:

Platimum · 07/04/2017 23:12

You feel very obligated to somebody you haven't met yet!

Don't forget that no matter who you get chatting to on line, you owe them nothing and you're not obliged to meet up with anybody just because you clicked! So don't feel bad! YOU feel WAY to bad about this! Are you new-ish to OLD?

After 18 months you'll think nothing about crashing off a mail that fits the bill. I'd say ''I've enjoyed chatting to you but I've decided not to meet up with you after all, best of luck"

You're over thinking the rejection! You're feeling too much obligation. You owe somebody you've been chatting to for a week no more than a cheery goodbye in my book

Obsidian77 · 07/04/2017 23:16

"Seems nice, genuine"
And yet you know he's not. This is a pointless lie, it's easy for you to check his age, but he's untroubled by this deceit. Makes me wonder what else he would have no trouble lying about.
[placemarking for update 2 months from now- "turns out BF is married "
You're 31. He's nearer 50.

honeyroar · 07/04/2017 23:34

Tell him that you're dithering about going on a date with someone 10 years older than yourself, it sounds so much older. See what he says?

WildBelle · 08/04/2017 00:06

How did you find out? Did you find something online? Only I had this situation, and what I did was sent him a screen shot of the 'evidence' and left it for him to make his excuses.

I don't think doing that is stalkerish or weird. I think it's sensible to dig around and see what you can find out about potential dates if you've met them online.

Your call if you still want to see him, but it doesn't bode well IMO.

blondehair · 08/04/2017 00:37

I don't really understand why he lied if he said an age still over your limit?

I'd bin it off.

Jazzywazzydodah · 08/04/2017 00:42

He thinks your stupid enough to fool you.

That's what Lying is.

TornandFrayed · 08/04/2017 01:08

I had exactly the same thing happen in a recent relationship. It didn't get any better the casual lying got a bit wearing after a while, I'd cut your losses.

Graphista · 08/04/2017 01:12

It's the lying.

I'd bin him off and tell him why - not the age that's put you off so much as the lying.

Hellofromme · 08/04/2017 01:47

That's a very big age gap anyway. I wouldn't bother.

INeedNewShoes · 08/04/2017 01:50

Age gap not a huge deal; lying a massive issue.

BubblingUp · 08/04/2017 03:32

With one of the OLD services, a lot of the 46-48 year old men claim they are younger because the service held Happy Hours separated by age group and the younger group went to age 45 and the older group started at age 46. If he had his true age at 46 he would not get the invitations of the 45 and under crowd. Instead he would be the very youngest invite to the age 46-69 happy hours. In turn the people who were 70+ would be a 60something age just to get invite to any Happy Hours.

I would see if he admits his real age on the 1st date. Most men I found confessed very quickly about their real age and why they lied about it. They weren't trying to be sneaky. They were working the system.

writergirl747474 · 08/04/2017 04:45

Most men on OLD lie about their age.

I took a 'if you can't beat 'em join 'em' approach eventually. I.e. I was 39 and looking for a guy roughly 39 I'd say 35 and get contacted by other 35s who were actually 40 and so actually my age thereabouts.

I had a date with a guy I'd slightly misled and confessed almost straight away. Later he, who had ticked the non smoker box, went out for a cigarette. So we were quits. We dated for a bit and he was a genuine guy actually - he ended it in person which is a rarity these days, most guys just ghost after a couple of months. We're still FB friends and interact occasionally.

I'm not sure what advice this tale offers though. At 15 years difference you're well into age gap territory here. Do you want to be?

I met my ex IRL and he also lied about his age but fessed up after a month or so. First lie of many, eventually shagging someone else and lying about it.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/04/2017 04:51

I think a lot of people lie about their age when online dating to try and avoid the arbitrary cut off dates like yours. One leads to the other unfortunately

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WickedLazy · 08/04/2017 05:08

The first time dp and I met, through a friend, he tried to lie about his age (but I'm not daft and got the truth out of him, he tried to say he was 21, but was really 26). I was naive though, just turned 18, and didn't realise it was a red flag.

I'm still trying to get the truth out of him now. Caught him drinking in the local with his mates yesterday, when he'd said he'd be working. Rang him and asked what time he would be home from work, (so I knew when to put dinner on) so of course he lied, and said x time, "have to go, manager hates us using phones", I had just seen him (glimpsed through window in door) sat in pub with a pint, 2 mins earlier. I'm sick of it, every time I think I can finally trust him, I catch him out again (God only knows what else he gets away with)

If he's lying this early, it doesn't bode well for the future. I would go on Sunday, and if he doesn't come clean, don't contact him again. Plenty more fish in the see, ones who don't lie. You have no obligation to this guy, you just met. Run while you can!

WickedLazy · 08/04/2017 05:11

sea*

DadWasHere · 08/04/2017 05:45

...he'll be having ED issues in about three years or so. sigh.

I keep trying to explain to Mr Peppy he should be deep in dysfunction by now... but he refuses to listen.

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