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Toxic family dynamic mirrored in other relationships

(5 Posts)
Glitteryunicorn Fri 07-Apr-17 21:14:17

Since I've gone NC with my family and started seeing a councillor I've started to notice the toxic relationships and attitudes my family display towards me are mirrored in all my other relationships. I'm not sure I have one really healthy relationship.

I went out with dh and friend the other day and noticed how they have this attitude where they put me down or treat me like I'm a child and they are the adults.

Has anyone else had this happen? Is it because I don't have appropriate boundaries?
How do I stop this happening?

Rainybo Sat 08-Apr-17 08:53:26

As you are seeing a counsellor, you could make a note of these thoughts/incidents and talk them over with them. It could be that you're suddenly noticing the way you let people treat you. It could also be that you're suddenly on hyper alert for everything.

I did find that I had replicated a lot of my relationship pattern with my mum in my marriage to ex-H. I am a fixer and a people pleaser, which are aspects of me I can do something about and so I have worked very hard on readjusting my boundaries over the last couple of years. The thing that has also helped me is learning that I can't make other people behave differently, but I can respond differently.

I did leave ex-H and I've never been happier, or prouder of myself. I'm not suggesting you leave based on what you have said, but do talk these feelings over with your counsellor.

Glitteryunicorn Sat 08-Apr-17 11:51:36

I've tried he was really dismissive and won't discuss it. he's not very good to be honest. I had a different lady initially and she was great but I had to move to this other guy unfortunately and I've not made much progress since.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment so I can only afford NHS sessions but when I go back to work at the end of the year I'm going to pay for private sessions.

Meanwhile I'm kinda left trying to figure stuff out on my own.

Rainybo Sat 08-Apr-17 12:47:38

Ah I'm sorry to hear that glitteryunicorn, it's hard when you don't click with a counsellor.

You've done so well to go NC and it's hard work unravelling old relationship patterns. I think you are completely right on the boundary front, I've had to look at mine and I still sometimes feel terrible guilt at putting boundaries in place. Are you able to talk to your DP at all?

I found keeping a journal really helped me process my own feelings too.

Mumfun Sat 08-Apr-17 12:58:49

Glittery I saw a counsellor after my marriage ended. He told me that my husband had treated me badly as I had been treated poorly when growing up and I was used to being treated badly.

Fast forward 7 years and I am divorced . I am no contact with father, mother and one sibling who supported parents and thought how they treated me was fine.

And my life is good. I only have relationships with people who treat me well and with respect. Anything else and they leave my life. I have let go of a few friendships too.

It just makes everything simple. And so much easier and less stressful as all friends and relatives I am in touch with treat me well.

And yes boundaries are very important.

It isn't all easy and working with a counsellor that's in tune with you really helps.

Wish you well smile

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