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Is this a dealbreaker?

(203 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Changemyname21 Fri 07-Apr-17 20:52:27

Been with my bf a year. We are very much in love.

This last two months two things have happened. We had both had way too much to drink. I did wind him up both times.

First time, big argument, he chucked me on the chair and had his hands on my throat while yelling.

Second time. Kept pushing me over in an argument. No hitting. I kept getting up to be pushed to the floor again. But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself. Needed stitches.

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

I know what I would think if it was a friend.

PaperdollCartoon Fri 07-Apr-17 20:53:22

I would leave, no doubt. Yes physical violence is a deal breaker.

Pancakeflipper Fri 07-Apr-17 20:56:34

A deal breaker for me. It's ok saying it involves lots of alcohol but it shows an inability to control his temper. He'll do this sober too.

Changemyname21 Fri 07-Apr-17 20:57:36

But does it always carry on? We have talked about it and agreed it can't happen again.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Fri 07-Apr-17 20:58:00

Leave him. Immediately.

JontyDoggle37 Fri 07-Apr-17 21:00:19

Yep - when sober, he agrees it won't happen again. As soon as he has a drink.......get out know why you're still relatively unscathed...

SaorAlbaGuBrath Fri 07-Apr-17 21:00:36

Yes it always carries on. And hands on your throat is the biggest red flag you'll ever get. Usually it takes a while to build up to that.

JontyDoggle37 Fri 07-Apr-17 21:00:48

'Now' not 'know'!

Pancakeflipper Fri 07-Apr-17 21:01:01

But it's happened twice already.
How can you be sure it would not happen again?

Patriciathestripper1 Fri 07-Apr-17 21:01:14

No keep living with him until he really belts you and you end up in hospital or worse case dead.
Ffs he isn't a gentle man. He's a power drinker.
Finish it before he finishes you!

FurryElephant Fri 07-Apr-17 21:01:51

Absolute deal breaker. The first incident I'd be gone. What did you give as the reason for your injury needing stitches?! Whether alcohol is involved or you "wound him up" is no excuse whatsoever for physical violence.

I try and think of it as whether I would be happy if my daughter (hypothetical or not) was in the same situation. If you'd be horrified to have a daughter come home and tell you her partner had done that, get rid.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Fri 07-Apr-17 21:02:07

but does it always carry on?

How many times do you want to be attacked? Youre a year in. They (mumsnet) say it takes two years to know someone properly, when their 'best behaviour' ends and you start seeing the real them. This is a taster of who he really is. When he is drunk he cant hide his real
Self. This is him.

LooksBetterWithAFilter Fri 07-Apr-17 21:02:08

It will happen again and it will get worse. Violent men usually promise it won't happen again. Do NOT take any blame for this by saying you argued back and do NOT ever try to justify any violence with he didn't hit me.
End the relationship now.

ijustwannadance Fri 07-Apr-17 21:02:10

Leave. It will get worse each time you forgive him.

Polarbearflavour Fri 07-Apr-17 21:02:11

Please leave. It'll escalate. He isn't a gentle man and alcohol is no excuse. You "winding him up" is no excuse.

Changemyname21 Fri 07-Apr-17 21:02:25

I know I sound stupid. But I am 41. Grown up children. Successful career. I am not a shrinking Violet. I am kind of shocked that this has happened. But I wondered if just because an argument has got out of hand before it follows that it will continue on tgat path

Goingtobeawesome Fri 07-Apr-17 21:02:54

If you want to be dead early, stay with him

Get the fuck out of this mess.

pumpkinmoon1 Fri 07-Apr-17 21:02:59

I have never experienced physical violence in my relationships, but I know close friends who have and from what I have seen, it never gets better, only worse.

gamerchick Fri 07-Apr-17 21:03:31

Huge rows at only a year in would do it for me. Violence is crossing a line, you are no good for each other.

shitgibbon Fri 07-Apr-17 21:03:51

Doesn't matter how old or successful or strong you are. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, because it's the fault of the perpetrator and unrelated to the victim.

This is abusive behaviour and you need to leave him. You needed stitches fgs.

DancingLedge Fri 07-Apr-17 21:03:54

Talk is cheap.
Talk reels you back in, and keeps you believing things will be different. They won't be.

Hands at you throat is the biggest single indicator that you're in exactly the kind of relationship that two women a week in this country DIE in.

Get help.
Get out.
This is not your fault. Even if you wound him up. You deserve better.

Polarbearflavour Fri 07-Apr-17 21:05:56

When you needed stitches, did the nurse/doctor ask how you injured yourself? Would you think of going to the police?

Please get out of there and stay safe! Don't let him know you are leaving.

Bobbins43 Fri 07-Apr-17 21:06:56

You can't stay with someone who does this. Will you not always be worrying that he's going to get drunk and attack you? Please don't stay with him.

TisapityshesaGeordie Fri 07-Apr-17 21:07:42

Ah, ffs.

The moment a man raises a hand to you, you leave. No second chances. Gone. Done. Over.

You deserve to not ever have to even ask this question. Every women does.

MadameJosephine Fri 07-Apr-17 21:07:48

An argument did not 'get out of hand', he physically abused you and will continue to do so because if you don't leave him he will believe his behaviour is acceptable.

Get as far away as you can from this arsehole

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