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How to get over jealousy towards your husband/partner

(33 Posts)
sammyjayneexx Fri 07-Apr-17 17:37:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookAtTheFlowersKerry Fri 07-Apr-17 17:39:44

You dump him and move on.

Why isn't he making sure you have equal time 'off'? Why isn't he offering to have the kids while you go out?

Why is he prioritising his things at the expense of his family?

You don't have to live like this.

Reow Fri 07-Apr-17 17:44:04

Can you get a babysitter and join a few local groups or classes to meet people? When baby isn't bf of course.

You could look up yoga, gym classes, book groups, kids groups, etc. Is there a MN gang local to you?

Can you afford to learn to drive? Might be worth pursuing.

I sympathise. I've felt very isolated before. I'm the end I joined a gym and a book group and met people from there. Surely he'd stay in an evening or two a week to look after the kids so you could get out?

LoveDeathPrizes Fri 07-Apr-17 17:55:17

I recently read up a little bit savour volatile personalities and the dangerous dynamic it can take on when in a codependent relationship with someone who's more of a stonewaller. It might apply to you. I wanted to know why I was so prone to mood swings.

Basically, when you have small children and lose your identity, you latch on to the identity of your spouse. It leads to obsessiveness, jealousy and anger at losing your own autonomy. And because you're so entwined, that anger is directed at your spouse.

Consequently, the spouse will often stonewall and retreat. Sometimes they might become overbearing in terms of offering practical help but completely emotionally retracted. This might look like someone trying to take care of their own interests as a form of escapism.

The jealousy probably comes from a lack of self esteem and identity. If you're anything like me, it's a kind of - well, I'm barely even a person anymore so why wouldn't he?

It's largely about feeling trapped. I feel trapped a fair bit. And any efforts to do my own thing and find my own feet a bit have certainly put things back in perspective.

We've had to work hard to communicate effectively. We see things very differently so it hasn't been easy. I think I struggled with trust because he was such a closed book but looking at it now, he often said what I wanted to hear because I had a tendency to react with anger (usually because I'd find things out that he'd lied about much later)

This might be crap but I wanted to put it out there in case any of it resonated.

Ktown Fri 07-Apr-17 18:01:33

Have you always been like this? E.g. With baby 2? Or is it a more recent feeling?
It sounds tough but could you go back to work now to get out more?

Isetan Fri 07-Apr-17 18:13:26

You not prioritising yourself is primarily your responsibility and it sounds like you blame your H for this. Blaming others is easy but it rarely results in an improvement in your life. I'm not saying your H couldn't be more supportive but you do need to be the catalyst for change.

I'm guessing zero family support wasn't a recent development, therefore having as many children as you did, was always going to be restrictive.

Stop martyring yourself and rather than expecting solidarity in your isolation, how about carving out a life for yourself away from your children. Join a gym, go to the cinema, reconnect with long forgotten friends, do whatever but do something.

AnyFucker Fri 07-Apr-17 18:16:34

Stop having kids, learn to drive and look into volunteering or employment.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 07-Apr-17 18:18:04

Tell him you learning to drive is a priority not drinking cash away. .
Get the dc out and find things to do when he is at work!! Library, soft play etc. . Gain some oomph back. Then ltb.

wowbutter Fri 07-Apr-17 18:26:32

I stopped this by having a husband who didn't do shit things, and if he did, we spoke about it and he stopped.

If your husband has time off, why can you not have some free time? I get he is building a fence or doing the garden or whatever, but why can't he take the children all out for tea and then have his night out? Ten you get two hours respite, before he fucks off out.
Or plan a nice day trip, just with daddy.

I think it's a husband problem, not a jealousy problem. Also, you need something for just you, not your kids, just you.

Quartz2208 Fri 07-Apr-17 18:42:58

It is his fault you don't have a babysitter, him

sammyjayneexx Fri 07-Apr-17 20:23:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostSight Fri 07-Apr-17 20:47:17

it's not his fault I don't have a reliable/ trustworthy family

In what way is this not his fault? He's your husband and presumably the father of your children. He is your family. If he isn't stepping up, it's absolutely his fault.

AnyFucker Fri 07-Apr-17 20:49:06

Child care should be a shared expense for a start. Even if you cannot earn much more, it is an investment in your future to get back on the workforce ladder.

And your problem is not yourself, It is because you are with a selfish bastard who doesn't respect you and your family

LostSight Fri 07-Apr-17 20:50:20

Sorry, I should have written more. I don't think you should be trying to get over your anger. I think you need to learn to direct it towards improving your life and getting yourself to a place where you can bring yourself to leave. No wonder you have no self esteem. You're married to an arrogant unpleasant man.

scallopsrgreat Fri 07-Apr-17 20:56:23

^^ This.

He sounds awful. Really awful (and abusive). You deserve better.

As someone up thread said. Prioritise yourself. What are you getting out of this relationship? What the kids getting out of him being around? What lessons are they learning from him? How long can you tolerate this? 1 yr? 5 yrs? 10 yrs? The rest of your life?

You need to ask yourself these questions.

scallopsrgreat Fri 07-Apr-17 20:57:33

Sorry the ^^ This was to AF's post (although I agree with LostSight's post too!).

Darbs76 Fri 07-Apr-17 21:13:03

I don't see why he's abusive because he's maintaining relationships with friends. You've said yourself you don't have any, it's a difficult time having young children but you can't blame and resent him as he works and has friends. He's been busy doing the fence I assume that's why you've not been anywhere, i assume it was decided the fence would take priority? If you're not happy you need to take steps to improve things instead of being angry when your H hasn't really done much wrong from what I can see

Underthemoonlight Fri 07-Apr-17 21:18:19

I agree with Darbs why not push yourself to socialise join groups, go to play groups. My
Dh hates the fact I don't drive and he does but I've been doing my lessons and I'm a sahm who meets up with friends it can be done

sammyjayneexx Fri 07-Apr-17 21:24:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sammyjayneexx Fri 07-Apr-17 21:25:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyGastIsFlabbered Fri 07-Apr-17 21:36:52

Is he a member of a gym or is it pay as you go? You driving would benefit the whole family so that should be prioritised over gym membership. Try for local shared interest groups, I'm sure your husband could watch the kids while you went to something. It's daunting at first but if you make the effort you're bound to find something you enjoy and people you click with. Or go to the cinema, even on your own.

AnyFucker Fri 07-Apr-17 21:45:10

He can give up his drinking and gym membership then

Those things do not benefit the family...only him

What does that tell you ?

You driving would benefit all of you

Thattimeofyearagain Fri 07-Apr-17 21:56:41

Well he's an abusive twat. Are you going to do anything about it ?

Cricrichan Fri 07-Apr-17 22:29:00

Learn to drive and start socialising. Go to baby groups and get some friends and start organising stuff. Get your oh to look after the kids when you need/want to do stuff in the evenings or weekends.

Hairyfairy01 Fri 07-Apr-17 22:40:03

Why don't you join the gym? You could go in the evenings when he's back from work? Or join some class that involves some hobby you like art, dancing, sport etc. Get out, meet new people, make new friends. Volunteer? Any groups you can attend during the day with the kids? If he was stopping you from doing these things / meeting new people / going out I could see you problem. I'm not sure he is though. I think it's just you not wanting to, which is fine. I don't think it's a problem that he does want to though. Most people what a social life if some sort outside home / work. I don't think he's in the wrong for wanting / doing this as long as it's not preventing you doing the same.

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