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DM affair revealed - Siblings stuck in the middle.

(77 Posts)
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Fri 07-Apr-17 11:28:20

So as not to drip feed a tiny bit of background.

- DM has had 2 previous affairs in the past 10 years.
- DF took the first affair rather badly and initially filed for divorce but reconciled.
- DF didn't know about the second affair but us children did.

Two nights ago, my father found out about my mothers 3rd affair, which he believed too be her second. My Father has confronted her and an argument happened, My DM hates losing in an argument so I believe too get the upper hand she confessed it wasn't her second affair it was her third. Went into gory detail of where she slept with the 3rd man ( including marital home and bed ) and then informed him everybody was laughing at him because us children knew about the second affair.

My DFs parting shot when leaving the house was " I didn't realise I had married such a cheap and easy person "

DF is now staying with his sister. I have spoken too him and obviously is heartbroken but understands why we didn't inform him of the second affair, and is more annoyed with DM for putting us all in that position.

DM has somehow got it into her head, she's the victim now after what my DF said when leaving the house. Apparently she won't tolerate being spoken too like that, or being called cheap and easy.
Because he has "insulted" her and massively "disrespected" she will never speak too him again and has said she won't be able to continue a relationship with me or my siblings if we continue the relationship with DF, because how could we want contact with a man who has "disrespected" our mother.

I obviously will not be stopping my relationship with my father as he has done nothing wrong. But I honestly can't be dealing with my mothers dramatics. And I'm angry she tried too throw me and my siblings under the bus.

How can I deal with this situation without everything kicking off.

Rainybo Fri 07-Apr-17 11:34:03

Let it kick off. You've protected your DM once already and I think the way she has treated you is very telling of who she is as a person, let alone how she has treated your DF.

The only person your DM seems to care about is herself. Don't run around picking up the pieces for her. You are entitled to have a relationship with whoever you choose. She doesn't get to manipulate everyone.

Moussemoose Fri 07-Apr-17 11:35:01

It already has kicked off.
Support your DF, it sounds,like your DM can look after herself.

HarmlessChap Fri 07-Apr-17 11:36:20

She sounds awful best agree that you can't maintain a relationship with her as you are going to maintain a relationship with DF because he's the one who was betrayed and go NC with her.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 07-Apr-17 11:37:44

What a disgusting mother!

Do not respond to her theatrics.

Your poor father. The woman is clearly deluded - his confidence must be shattered!

HateSummer Fri 07-Apr-17 11:38:24

She sounds like an awful person. No mother puts their children in that kind of position. I think your dad was quite restrained with what he called her.

I feel sorry for your dad.

balence49 Fri 07-Apr-17 11:39:36

Take cover and keep your head Down! Do you live with them? If so maybe you could be staying with a friend or make plans to be out a lot... know you shouldn't have to but you don't want to be dragged into this.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 07-Apr-17 11:40:41

Wow - so your DM doesn't like being disrespected but it's OK for her to completely disrespect her husband, her marriage, her vows and her DC, numerous times.
Some people really are entitled and self-indulged.

You know who's 'side' you need to be on here.
She's trying to become the 'victim' to detract from her really really shitty behavior.
She sounds vile.
What was she like as a mother growing up?

Please assure your DF that you are most certainly not laughing at him.

Your DM sounds like a Narc to be honest.

Ratbagcatbag Fri 07-Apr-17 11:41:02

Don't deal with it, agree with others. She knows she's in the wrong but trying to turn victim and ensuring your DF compliance by threatening to cut you off from him.

Don't allow it to happen, stand by your dad and let your mum go NC or whatever. She sounds awful.

ShelaghTurner Fri 07-Apr-17 11:41:19

Let her kick off, she made her bed after all (no pun intended). Your poor father needs support so that's where my loyalty would lie.

NeedABumChange Fri 07-Apr-17 11:41:21

Cheap and easy sounds about right for a woman who shags 3 men not her husband and then throws them in his face. Tell her you can't have a relationship with a woman who has "disrespected" your father.

I'd support your df and ignore her dramatics, she sounds desperate for attention so will come back to you and your siblings. I would probably go NC until you and siblings get full and sincere apology for putting you in such and awful position.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Fri 07-Apr-17 11:42:46

I'd honestly just leave your mum to it. Not only has she treated your father appallingly, but trying to drive a wedge between your father and his dc is unforgivable.

She sounds absolutely awful.

littlepooch Fri 07-Apr-17 11:42:56

I say let it kick off. Perhaps the realisation that not only is she going to lose her husband but potentially her children as well might make her take a good hard look at herself.

I am sorry you are going through this though and understand how you feel stuck in the middle. I hope all your siblings can support each other.

Rikalaily Fri 07-Apr-17 11:43:57

Point out to her that she has massively disrespected him, thier home and all of their kids in a far far worse way than any words he could say to her. Just be there for your dad and let her make her own choices about dropping contact, disgusting behaviour trying to emotionally backmail you all after what she's done.

WateryTart Fri 07-Apr-17 11:44:01

Tell her it's her choice but that you will see your father. He sounds worth 10 of her. Why are you bothered? She sounds awful.

bluediamonds Fri 07-Apr-17 11:49:02

How old are you OP? Are you worried your mum might kick you all out if you have a relationship with your dad?

LordScuttlebutt Fri 07-Apr-17 11:53:23

Your poor DF.

He could have said a lot more! I think he was remarkably restrained in the circumstances.

Your DM sounds like a drama-llama, I'm afraid.

Her letting your DF know that you kids knew about the other affair is also her way of trying to put you guys in the wrong with him.

Do what's best for you and your DF. Don't be manipulated further by her.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 07-Apr-17 11:54:26

You should all stand your ground and ignore her. . .
Like no texts /calls /rants. . Cut her off.. When she realises she has no audience she will be different. .

cjt110 Fri 07-Apr-17 11:54:51

She has disrespected your DF _3_ times. She obviously doesn't get that. Your poor DF. I would tell her you are a child of both parents and wish to remain in contact with both. If she cannot accept that, let her throw her toys out of them pram. She's the one who will be left alone...

shovetheholly Fri 07-Apr-17 11:57:07

Deal with her firmly and calmly. Explain that you are not going to take sides in this, that you love them both, and that she is in the wrong for the cheating. You can add that if she wants to be histrionic, she should consider joining the local Gilbert and Sullivan society because you and your siblings have neither time nor energy for a toddler-style tantrum.

It sounds as though everyone has been tiptoeing around her behaviour for a while. Setting new boundaries where you refuse to be drawn by any drama will be tough at first, and will lead to some anger from her, but it can be done and the relationship should be healthier in the long run for it.

I have an incredibly over-dramatic family on my mother's side, and I refuse to be drawn into it these days. It's unhealthy and ultimately draining, and I'm much happier out of it.

HouseworkIsASin10 Fri 07-Apr-17 12:01:21

She's a trollop, I'd have said a lot worse if I was your DF.

If she wants to be a drama queen leave her to it. Do not let this affect the relationship you have with your dad.

Jaxhog Fri 07-Apr-17 12:01:49

It's already kicked off, so don't worry about staying speaking to such a selfish, disrespectful cow.

Also, she's the person who should be leaving. Not your DF.

PoorYorick Fri 07-Apr-17 12:02:45

Even if you're all in your 50s or beyond, there is no excuse for dragging the children of the marriage into this. Your mother is an awful person. I'd say trying to use you and your siblings as pawns in this is actually worse than the affairs themselves.

I don't think there's anything you can do to stop everything kicking off. It already has, and it's your mother's fault. I don't think I've ever advocated NC before (I think LC is usually better if it really is no drama that you want) but in this case, you may have to consider it. She is a toxic and awful person and if the only thing she will bring to your life is toxicity and attempts to ruin relationships with your father and others, it might be best simply to cut her out completely, and make sure she knows why.

gillybeanz Fri 07-Apr-17 12:04:23

Well it sounds like she's made her decision.
I'd give her a very wide berth for a while and support your Dad, poor man.
If she does carry on, just say it's her that has disrespected your father behaving in such a way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 07-Apr-17 12:04:32

Sorry, what a horrible situation!
But I have to agree, it HAS already kicked off and there's not much you can do now apart from ride the storm.
Your mother is being a totally selfish arse about this - SHE has had the affair, SHE has caused the issue, and now she's got the hump because your father called her a couple of names over it? Bollocks. She's deflecting guilty because she knows she's actually the one in the wrong, but doesn't want to be. She needs to take a look at herself, honestly, and stop behaving like such a fucking diva.

Leave her to it - tell her straight that you will NOT be cutting contact with your father, that you're angry that she's attempting to make you choose between your parents and you're not going to be sucked into her juvenile games.

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