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Grandparents favouring one grandchild over another

(22 Posts)
hotchocolate85 Thu 06-Apr-17 16:51:59

I gave birth to a little girl a few days ago. We brought her over to mils for lunch along with DS who's 4. Mil barely took any notice of our DD but was all over DS acknowledging him in a really OTT way more than usual. DH pulled her up on it and she said she doesn't want DS to be jealous. I said DS has adapted very well to the new baby and is a great help to us and is always looking out for his new sister. She then ignored what we said kept going on and then told DS he was a better looking baby and I said I'm glad my DD can't understand a word you said as she'd get a complex. MIL refused to hold our DD in case it upset DS. AIBU to be upset? I remember my SIL was a bit peeved when DS was born as mil turned all her attention onto DS ignoring SILs children. My OH is also surprised at his mums behaviours as our DD is also her first granddaughter.

Nightneverchanges Thu 06-Apr-17 16:56:50

She's doing it to reinforce her relationship with your eldest and to ensure he's getting the attention normally lavished on the new baby.

I actively encouraged people to do it with mine.

Introvertedbuthappy Thu 06-Apr-17 17:00:56

Are you sure she's not just making sure your DS doesn't feel left out? When my Mum came to see us after DS2 was born I actually texted her to ask her to make a big fuss of DS1. She did it brilliantly and asked him to go out with her for lunch as "babies are cute but boring". DS1 thought it was hilarious and loved being made a fuss of. It will be nice for your DS to have someone make a fuss over him as opposed to the new baby who will have most of your attention right now.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 06-Apr-17 17:03:02

Sounds like she doesn't want your ds to feel left out

And on another note imagine how poor SiL feels

hotchocolate85 Thu 06-Apr-17 17:21:02

I guess I'm just struggling as I'm a firm believer in if it ain't broke don't fix it. DS is really not that bothered with having a sister and to be honest any visitor who has come by with something for the baby has dropped in something for DS too which is very thoughtful but I really feel mil should be treating all her grandchildren equally.

Introvertedbuthappy Thu 06-Apr-17 17:29:40

Yes but you must understand that DS is now getting far less attention and the baby is getting lots of your time and attention? It doesn't take rocket science to realise that most friends are turning up to see his baby sister, despite token gifts.

You can treat children equally without treating them the same. For example MIL has taken DS1 out today to an exciting science festival event; I'm here at home with DS2 as he wouldn't get anything out of it and MIL won't take him by herself (never took DS1 out alone until aged 5, so not inconsistent). I also have got sticky toffee pudding for after dinner - will give DS1 some but not DS2 as he's only 1. So I'm not treating them 'fairly' you might say, but when DS2 is 8 he will get similar opportunities IYSWIM.

thethoughtfox Wed 12-Apr-17 11:43:22

She's being a good grandma. All the parenting books tell you to make a special effort with the existing children when a new baby comes.

Ellisandra Wed 12-Apr-17 11:47:14

Sounds fine.
What did you do to help SIL when her kids were ignored for your DS? Try repeating that?
If that evened up after a while, then it doesn't sound like there's a long lasting favouritism issue.

I don't see why your daughter should be extra special because she's the first granddaughter. A baby is a baby is a baby. Especially at less than a week old confused Having a vagina doesn't make her special!

RainbowsAndUnicorn Wed 12-Apr-17 13:28:57

I think she's right too, you may think your son is fine but it's very very rare an older child is not affected but the arrival of a new sibling.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Wed 12-Apr-17 13:37:58

I think you're being very unfair to judge her over something that's happened once, when the baby is only a few days old! I think she sounds a bit OTT to not even hold your dd but otherwise it sounds as though she's trying to help your ds.

I don't think there's much to compare with the upheaval a new sibling creates in a child's world, though it's fantastic that your ds seems to be coping well. However again, you're only a few days in.

If the ignoring of your dd continues, that's totally different.

FourFlapjacksPlease Wed 12-Apr-17 13:41:04

she is doing exactly what an excellent grandma should IMO. Your baby has no clue what is going on, your DS has just had a big change in his life. She loves him and is showing it.

She has years of parenting experience on you, it would be wise to take a tip from her.

Underthemoonlight Wed 12-Apr-17 13:49:49

Try being the one who's kids get completely ignored for sils child. They didn't even bother making the effort to see DS on his 1st birthday but dropped his presents off at sils who gave us them it's been well and over a week and still not bothered to see him. They will go weeks on end without seeing or asking how they are but in the meantime seeing sils and her dd all the time. I think it's early days before you jump the gun and I feel sorry for poor sils kids as I know what that's like it bloody hurts.

Adora10 Wed 12-Apr-17 14:50:24

She is doing nothing wrong as has been said; you should be glad she's so bothered; I don't think it's got FA to do with your new baby and favouritism. Of course your son has been affected by a new member of the family; who wouldn't be.

NotInMyBackYard1 Wed 12-Apr-17 14:53:06

She's totally got the right idea - as for your OH 'calling her on it', how ridiculous! and no, DD cannot understand what MIL says so she will definitely not get a complex! hmm

sunshinesupermum Wed 12-Apr-17 14:57:59

As a grandma myself I agree she is doing the right thing by your DS atm.
I did the same when DGS's new brother arrived and my DD didn't give a hoot that he was getting more attention from me than the baby was. YABU

Anyway, things will even out when DD is old enough to know who her grandma is!

FuckingSausageFingers Wed 12-Apr-17 15:02:17

I think her behaviour sounds spot on! Maybe it is because your DS has received token gifts and attention from visitors that he's adjusting so well to the arrival of his sister? Pick your battles and all that. I'd let this one go. She sounds like she's trying her best.

TheWitTank Wed 12-Apr-17 15:12:08

I also think Grandma has it right. Your newborn has no idea she is not getting a huge fuss from her gran -your son is dealing with a new sibling and absolutely would notice being sidelined. I would be really pleased she was making the effort to make DS happy and comfortable in this new situation.

happypoobum Wed 12-Apr-17 15:28:16

Oh no! Your poor DD must be so upset sad

You say you gave birth a few days ago so I am going to gently suggest that this could be a case of hormones clouding rational thought.

Please don't fall out with her over this. If she is still saying things like this when DD is able to understand her then fair enough. As it stands, you will sound unhinged. Congratulations on your lovely new baby flowers

HouseworkIsASin10 Wed 12-Apr-17 15:33:53

YABU she is making sure DS doesn't feel left out.

BertrandRussell Wed 12-Apr-17 15:38:17

She's behaving exactly as a good grandma should.

Moussemoose Wed 12-Apr-17 15:42:04

Yep good grand parenting. The baby won't remember this meeting but if she had behaved differently your DS would have.

Sometimes grandparents do know best.

BertrandRussell Wed 12-Apr-17 15:48:10

But, hey. She's your mil. How very dare she. Go NC immediately.hmm

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