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Where do I go now?

(6 Posts)
Stuckinarut79 Thu 06-Apr-17 15:37:01

I really don't know what to do next, separating doesn't seem right, putting up and shutting up is not me, is there another way?

DH and I have been married for 8 years. We have two young children, one with autism and very challenging behaviour. I genuinely feel if we hadn't had kids, gotten such a big mortgage we were/would have been happy. But that's not our life, and while I've changed enourmasly into the role of mother, career, etc he basically stayed the same.

He adores our girls and they adore him but it's probably summed up by he loves them but isn't interested in them, for example he doesn't take much interest in their schooling, health, disciplining.

Our finances are a mess, he was self employed but he couldn't keep up with the paperwork and had to liquidate the company, now he's employed through an agent, who takes a big cut to keep all tax paid. But he regularly doesn't get paid on time, he doesn't usually notice and I'm the one who keeps an eye on the finances, worries about them, and works out what to pay when.

I asked him to leave at Christmas as I was fed up of being let down, but was persuaded to take him back with the idea that I'd given him a scare and we'd work on things.

Now we're over our agreed overdraft, close to our limit on credit cards, he's still letting the kids have sweets for breakfast.

He's a "nice guy", there's no arguments and I'd come to the decision we could live as house mates, and acknowledged that having him here made my life a little easier, in that I could get the odd lie in, be able to disappear upstairs when he came in from work occasionally.

But instead I feel, alone in bringing our kids up, unable to manage our finances due to the uncertainty, and just so tired making all decisions alone. I don't know what I do next?

We've had counselling, he's very good at acknowledgeing what I'm saying and trying for a few days, but nothing changes!

Adora10 Thu 06-Apr-17 15:48:15

Because it's who he is, one of life's apathetic, he shows no interest in his family that's his choice OP; he's pretty pointless tbh apart from being a constant reminder to you that you are pretty much doing thing on your own anyway so I'd suggest you make that official now.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Apr-17 16:17:21

Could you downsize without him?
Does he contribute financially?
You've done all you can really.
We usually suggest talking to them - tick
Kicking them out so they sort themselves out - tick
Counselling - tick
You can't save this all on your own though.
Your resentment will build and build.
You cannot change him.
This is how will be forever more.
Is that something you can live with for the next 30+ years??

Stuckinarut79 Thu 06-Apr-17 20:03:58

He's the sole earner, downsizing would mean selling and not sure I could get anything around here, so renting is the most likely.
Yes it's rubbish but we live in a nice house, everyone's well fed, clothed, days out etc he's here to help out with the kids, there's no amniousity. A friend asked me what would be better if he left? I'm still not sure I have an answer to that one.

Hutch2017 Fri 07-Apr-17 13:18:28

It depends what is important to you. If its having a nice house, some money and feeding the kids etc then stick with him. However, I suspect you will begin to resent him eventually and the 'living as housemates' would become a problem.

Adora10 Fri 07-Apr-17 13:54:41

To me a home is what you make it and that can be you on your own; you would be entitled to benefits and he would have to pay child maintenance but if having a nice house is enough to make you suck it up then carry on but I think eventually you will crack again because nothing will change; the mere fact you are there is telling him he doesn't really have to.

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