jealous of friend who get pregnant straight away

[whenitsover]

so i have my own LO (and i am so thankful to have her!) but i have a friend who got pregnant straight away (she was drinking / partying so not taking care of herself). im struggling to deal with this as a) i didnt get pregnant straight away and b) she was unsure about even having kids. since she told me ive kept my distance from her as i have feelings of resentment. anyone have any advice of how i can deal with my feelings? anyone gone through the same thing?

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

I'm sorry if I sound harsh in what I'm going to say, but in the interests of honesty here goes:

I think you sound quite judgemental. You begrudge another woman, who you call a friend, becoming a mother? Just because she wasn't sure if she wanted kids doesn't mean she can't change her mind or that she won't be a deserving mum.

It actually makes me quite cross to hear you're turning against her because of this. Actually quite sick to my stomach if I'm being really really honest.

[boolifooli]

I think you know you're feelings are extremely irrational. She isn't taking any babies away from you. Have some perspective, there are millions of women falling pregnant right now in millions of different scenarios and not one of them makes any difference to your chances of falling pregnant.

Do you like her?

[hiimmumma]

I've been on the other side.
I fell pregnant by accident on the a drunken night and the one and only occasion DH and slept together during an embarrassingly long dry spell.
A close friend had been ttc for over a year.
I dreaded telling her I was pregnant.
I had always said I didn't think I would have kids so was a total shock.
She was so so happy for me and so supportive. Despite another ex friend of ours said that it wasn't fair on friend 1 and that I shouldn't tell her and shouldn't even have the baby because It was planned I obviously wasn't ready for one!!

My LO is 6MO now and I couldn't imagine ever not having him. He is my whole world, I would do anything for him. I love him to pieces.
And friend 1 finally fell pregnant last year too so he has a little friend just a few months younger.

So my advice is to be supportive of your friend. Your fertility and hers are unrelated and also not much of each others business. It shouldn't matter the circumstances that either of you fell pregnant. You have a LO and now she will too so you can share you motherhood experiences together. It might make you closer.
Just be there for her and look forward to having a new baby around to cuddle. Once it's here these feeling will seem trivial so don't burn any bridges.

[Avioleta]

But why do you resent her? She's done nothing wrong. Your issues are all about you. You don't sound like a very good friend.

[hiimmumma]

*Wasn't planned that should say at he end of the first paragraph!

[Eminybob]

I understand why it might be hard for you, but you have to remember that her being pregnant has no effect on your fertility so resenting her is a complete waste of your energy.
You would be much happier by learning to accept it and be happy for your friend. Snd if you find that hard, fake it til you make it. Reach out to her. Chances are she needs your support right now.

[whenitsover]

thank you for all your comments. i do take on board what you're saying and maybe it was time for some home truths.

you're right - my fertility is not linked to anyone else's...and i should not impose my feelings on others who are pregnant. i will have to try to separate my feelings from the person - my issues

the other very acute observation is whether i even like my friend. and i'm not entirely sure i do anymore (and that's not due to her getting pregnant, but other matters)...but again maybe this is more down to me rather than her.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

Well done for the taking all the replies so well OP.

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

I understand, OP. It's not rational, and it's not nice, and it makes you feel like a horrible person, but I had something similar when I firstly couldn't conceive, and then finally conceived and miscarried. In my case, it didn't matter who the person was who had successfully, it could have been literally anyone. I saw pregnant women in the street and I had irrational flashes of boiling resentment. I heard a woman talking about her children (plural) and nearly burst into tears at the thought that I would never have more than just DS. And every single time after the flash of anger, I would feel like an absolute scumbag who didn't deserve to get pregnant anyway because what kind of shitty person was I, trying to bring another child in the world, if I could just hate strangers in the street for their happiness. It was a horrible, bitter, miserable time. Truthfully, I can't say I ever found a cure for it either. The "fix" was the day I got a positive pregnancy test, and here I am 23 weeks later. I can't easily forgive myself, though, because now I wonder if I've walked past any other poor woman in the street who is going through exactly the same grief I was, and I've inadvertently wounded her. The only good I can say is that it has made me a heck of a lot more sensitive about the sheer agony of those people who are struggling to conceive. So OP, no, it's not pretty at all, but I understand. Fingers crossed your time comes very, very soon.

[laurzj82]

I get it OP. My best friend and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time. She fell straight away but we took a while. Only 10 months but at the time it seemed like an age. I was very resentful. I didnt want to be but I couldnt help it.

The only advice I can give is under no circumstances say a word! Be the friend you should be as it is in no way her fault!

[Raffles1981]

For years I was in an abusive relationship, no sex life and no babies. I would get so sad when friends would call to tell me they were pregnant. But I would never lay it out on them. You are allowed to feel the way you do, you are only human, but I agree with others - think about her and your friendship - sounds like it may be broken OP x

[mugginsalert]

I do understand as I was infertile for a number of years and went through a time when I couldn't be with my pregnant friends without crying. It's hard to see someone else have what you desperately want and can be hardest of all when it's someone close to you. However natural it is though, this resentment doesn't help anyone and it hurts you most of all. Be kind to yourself - limit the time you spend together, for example, when these feelings are strong - but try not to allow yourself to get caught up in any judgement or feelings about comparative fertility. There's no rhyme or reason to fertility issues.

[Lunalovepud]

OP I think it might be better for you and your friend for you to keep your distance from her permanently.

You say there are other issues at play which make you question whether or not you want to be her friend anymore. She needs friends who can support her and be happy for her and if you can't do that then you should probably do the right thing for both of you and just leave it at that.

[herwegoagain123]

You are projecting onto her. Bloody hell I'm glad I'm not your friend.
Also do you think for one minute she wont know why you are off with her?
Totally shockingly selfish and a complete lack of self esteem.
She is well rid. In fact she's probably glad to be free from your smug judging.
I have had friends like you and I always know what they really think and I couldn't give a shit because women who do this aren't worth friendship. Yuk yuk yuk.

[Gingerbreadmam]

ive kind of had this:

with dp over 5 years. Ha an accidental pregnancy end in mmc, made us realise we wanted one so tried again and ds was stillborn.

Best friend met a man and in the honeymoon period they decided they were desperate to be a family and ttc. she fell not long after and now has her pfb.

Told me she was pregnant on my stillborns first birthday. It hit me hard and i was very envious. I was supportive though and over time it eased.

I then fell pregnant again, second trimester mmc dealt with a few days before her pfb arrived.

Now baby is here all feeling of being envious have gone. Her baby is beautiful and i am happy for her and can only hope it happens for me soon after all tests i have to go through first

one thing i though is.i wasnt jealous of her baby i was genuinely happy for.her.it just highlighted even.more how much i wanted my own.

[herwegoagain123]

You don't know if you like her anymore but its nothing to do with this?
Yeah right.
Imagine it the other way around. Bet you can't can you?
I'm sure she's not remotely concerned what you think so move on to your next projection.
Better car? Better house? Too many holidays? Longer hair? etc
Also why do you feel you deserve to be pregnant and she doesn't? Because you feel you are a better person for staying at home smugly knitting custard. Christ.
Grow up OP

[BonnyScotland]

your doing her an immense favour by staying away from your 'friend' .... x

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

herwegoagain123 Whoa... slow down a bit. You want OP to have empathy and yet you are showing a remarkably small amount yourself. Have you never felt envy in your life? Have you never seen someone have any form of success that you desperately wished you could have yourself, and worse, someone have success that in your heart of hearts you couldn't help feeling they weren't deserving of? We all have, and if you think back on those occasions, you'll remember that it's not a nice way to feel, right? What's worse is that it is very difficult to talk about because some people react exactly as you have. Instead of trying to understand, they attack and scorn and deride. And yet we will all, in our lives, feel this way at some point about something. I sincerely doubt OP is actively choosing to feel this way. I don't for one second think she's relishing it, and enjoying how it's made her feel about her friend, or herself. So even if the feeling itself is not particularly admirable, let's try to see it from her perspective and help her, eh? Maybe try to find ways for her to protect herself, shield her friend, understand her own feelings, and work her way through this mess. Simply kicking someone who's actively asking for help to sort themselves out is pretty low.

[Huskylover1]

Because you feel you are a better person for staying at home smugly knitting custard

What?

Anyway....I have no idea why you are resentful? I think a lot of posters here speed read your Op and think you are ttc, but you're not...you already have a child. What is the problem?

So what that she got pregnant easily? So did I. Does this make me a bad person, or something? Weird.

[MaisyPops]

I hear you OP. Its frustrating.

Resent might be a strong word but Im in a similar situation. Dh and I trying for a while (9months) and still nothing despite trying to be healthy adn prepared. Family's wives just managed an oopsie and at times i feel really rubbish like 'its not fair'. But theyre great mams and logicly theyve not stopped it happeneing for me.

I think youre being petty by keeping distance. I could understand maybe wanting to avoid baby chat if you were actively TTC and they were talking about hiw lucky they were etc. But youre not TTC and theurr expecting. You need to let it go

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

Hmmm... I inferred from OP's second post about her fertility that OP must be trying to have a second baby. My PPs are written on that basis.

Can you clarify OP whether the point of your post is that you're ttc again and are struggling?

[lottieandmia]

Some people are just more fertile than others - that isn't your friends fault. Please stop judging her.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your irrational, vicious jealousy will eat you alive. It's time for you to grow up and be grateful for what you have.

[whenitsover]

i am TTC..should have made that clear in the original post. i suffered a miscarriage last year when my friend was pregnant, and it made the situation more difficult for me to deal with.

i guess as many of you have pointed out, there is no rhyme or reason as to why some people are more fertile than others, it's just one of those things. however it does hurt when what you want isnt as obtainable as it is for others.

on an aside - there are a few comments on this thread that are taking it out of context and making presumptions about me / my lifestyle. which is a shame as the majority of comments have been helpful in helping me to understand and overcome my feelings. i find constructive feedback to be the most helpful and if you cant provide this i would prefer that you didnt comment. thank you

[herethereandeverywhere]

OP comes on asking for advice as to how to deal with her feelings and stating she is struggling to deal with them. She did not state her view was right, nor her friend was unreasonable, quite the contrary.

She gets a barrage of responses telling her how awful she is. well done MN, , that's really, really unhelpful and possibly more damaging for the OP. This is not AIBU, she asked for advice on the relationships board, not judgement - a bit more understanding and kindness would not go amiss (ironic given the 'judgement' being doled out).

OP, those feelings are totally natural, I commend you for trying to process them in a way which is not damaging to you, your friend or your relationship (i.e.: by anonymously reaching out for advice.) You know you should share those feelings with your friend and should control the urge to leet the feelings influence your relationship with her.

Allow yourself space to feel frustrated and sad at the process you are going through (took me 18 months to conceive DD1, all 3 SILs fell pregnant at first time of trying so I have been there). I found it helped to prepare mentally for time with the pregnant ones so I had ready-made responses to comments and sensible questions/compliments. By reversing it in my mind I was able to strip out my personal anger and frustration and allow the rational, kind responses to come through.

As people have already advised you should not project 'blame' for your predicament on your friend who is blameless. Judging and comparing lifestyles will achieve nothing so just stop doing it. If you need time out from Facebook/whatsapp so you are not constantly confronted by it then to that too - not with a display of flouncing and 'pity me' just ramp down use or say you're taking a break from it to see if that has a positive effect on your life.

I found that really focusing on all the positives in my life helped most. My DH, home, job, holidays/nights out to look forwards to etc. It stopped the lack of pregnancy becoming all consuming.

Good luck and I'm sorry people have given you such a rough time for feelings which are so natural and so common.