feel like my mum doesn't like me(6 Posts)
Just wanted a moan really and wondering if anyone in the same position and how you deal with it. Never had a particularly close relationship with my mum but the last few years, especially having daughters of my own, I am feeling upset and sad by the relationship we do/or don't have. She's always been quite judgmental criticizes most things I do, puts me down in front of others (then claims it was a joke and I'm too sensitive) my friends growing up often asked me why my mum was so mean to me, she still does it now even though I'm a fully grown women with children of my own. I just find it really sad as I see friends and my in laws who have great relationships with their mums and I kind of feel like I've been cheated then I question myself and blame myself. I never feel good enough and feel that I have disappointed her in some way never lived up to her expectations. I have four beautiful children 2 from a previous marriage and 2 from my current relationship all my kids are well behaved, well mannered however she constantly tells me I have too many children and that I'm crazy. If I ever need a moan about one of the kids she shoots me down straight away and says it is my fault i have too many. She brings up things from my teenage years from my past marriage all the time, god know why, I think its to make my feel guilty or bad and it does. She never shows me any affection, the last time she told me she loved me was when i was a small child. I try my best work hard, have returned to higher education (she loves this and tells everyone how great I'm doing, except me) however the other week a family member was asking about my studies as her daughter is also studying and my mum piped up with "yes but your daughters 18 mines 30 for god sake she should of gone when she was 18 instead of getting pregnant" I felt completely humiliated it was so out of the blue I thought we were having a nice afternoon. My partner must of saw the look of hurt on my face and pretended he had just had a call and we needed to go home, I finally thought I was making her proud and she shot me down. I visited with my family on mother day and some family including my grandmother were all round at my parents tucking into a buffet again I felt humiliated as I wasn't invited and left fairly quickly so they didn't see my upset. In some ways shes great bends over backwards for my eldest 2 children (doesn't really bother with the younger ones) has in the past helped my out financially after my first marriage broke down. I just feel like she doesn't like me that much I have no siblings and often feel quite lonely. She often goes on nights/days out with her sisters, cousins and i'm never invited. So sorry for the long rant just needed to get this off my chest as its been playing on my mind a lot lately.
Aw bless, she sounds awful. Please stop trying to please her, she is never going to change and the sooner you accept that, the less it will hurt. You have to distance yourself to change the dynamic in your relationship. Concentrate on your own family, do not look for her approval. She puts you down to make herself feel better. Mothers should encourage and nurture children, not treat them this way. Maybe one day you will be strong enough to tell her, non emotionally, what kind of woman she is but you really need to step back right now.
Agree stop looking for a pat on the head from her. You are never going to get it. She is damaged in her own way and is not going to suddenly become the mum you would like her to be. IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. EVER.
So concentrate on being a fab mum to your own kids and building those relationships. In time you will understand that as much as you've missed out she has also missed out on a loving relationship with her daughter and it's her own fault!
Part of her power is you being needy for her affection/approval etc. So remove that power. Excel at your studies, excel at being a wife/mum/friend whatever. Be HAPPY in spite of her. Once you stop worrying about what she thinks you won't be hurt by her silly comments and you'll see her for the damaged person she is.
I have distanced myself from her the past few years after overhearing a telephone conversation to a relative in which she stated that I was still here, and she couldn't shake me off, which she found hilarious. I'd just separated from my ex husband who I had just found out had been having an affair for over a year. I don't think I'm trying to please her as such although subconsciously I probably am, I'd just like a normal mother/daughter realtionship with her like everyone around me seems to have. It has affected my self esteem as I have grown up although one to one she is generally ok, except a few stupid comments that I let go over my head. Her latest thing though is my children how I have too many, am I crazy, need my head testing etc etc I have confronted her about this and let her know how hurtful it is, they're my children are very much wanted and not to say such things especially when children are present. However when she has an audience she can't help herself and seems oblivious to the pitying looks people give me she thinks she's being funny and I'm too sensitive could never take a joke. I think you are right though she is never going to be the mum I want her to be I'll just make dam sure I am for my children. Still hurts though and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me
She's OK one to one because you might call her on her comments, but in company she probably guesses you won't. There's nothing wrong with you, there is with her, as what mother would treat her child like that?
I'd reduce contact as much as possible. Also I'd limit the childcare she does and unaccompanied time she has with your children. Unfortunately I've had experience of mother being v nasty to ds, in way which she can brush off as being nothing, joke etc. However, its not nothing to imply he was not wanted, total lie also..... As little contact as possible is best thing.
Bloody hell! She sounds awful! I think to need to stop trying with her. It will be difficult but she is grinding you down!! I think you have so much to be proud of, of you were my daughter I would be proud of you. Sadly I don't think you can change her.
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