Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help continuing after separating

(7 Posts)
Soconfusedandsohurt Thu 06-Apr-17 12:53:28

Hi there,
I posted a little while ago and got a lot of support - thread about P hurting me and taking my door keys.
We are now separated and he is not to come into contact with us but I am still so lost.
Our baby is not yet 4 months and I am so tired, it is Easter holidays so my son is off nursery.
He is very upset and unsettled and is constantly asking when Daddy is going to come back from work.
He told my mum on the phone that he misses daddy and mummy has made him leave (I haven't said this to him, it's what I believe he has gathered from the situation)
He also told his little friend on the street that his mummy hates daddy.
ExP (guess I should get used to saying that) has been bailed and a friend of his came to collect his work clothes from here the other day, it made me very sad as I still can't believe we have got to this point.
I can't help thinking about what the future is going to bring. I am so terrified that my 4 year old especially is going to be greatly affected by the events that have happened.
I know it's usual for me to feel depressed during all of this, but I feel like I can't breathe a lot of the time and I'm constantly tired. I only managed to get out of bed a couple of hours ago and it means the TV has been my son's soul entertainment for the last few days and I feel so guilty but am just finding Day to Day tasks so bloody difficult.
Any advice? I don't have any friends or family nearby but am going to stay with family in a couple weeks - can't right now as DM is recovering from a very big op sad

Adora10 Thu 06-Apr-17 13:00:53

We are all entitled to a few days reflecting and mourning a loss even if you know it is the right thing to do. Your son is already affected OP; he's heard more than he should have and is now expressing that. You need to tell him that he still has a mummy and daddy but you two are not getting back together; why did you split, was he aggressive?

Your son will adapt, kids are very resilient at that age and will believe what you tell them so explain it to him in an understanding way.

Why did you split?

Hermonie2016 Thu 06-Apr-17 13:05:41

I remember your thread.So glad you are safe.
Once the adrenalin wears off the reality of what happened and the consequences (such as your son missing his dad) kick in.
You must be exhausted, the emotional energy you have expended plus looking after 2 children will have drained you.
For now try to accept it as reality and don't beat yourself up.

Are there any mum friends who might be able to have a play date with your son so you get a few hours off?

Your son will sense the change but don't worry he won't blame you forever.He will know as he gets older that you protected yourself and them.

Just get through the next few weeks in anyway you can.Try to take small steps, getting the children out for a walk to the park or library is sufficient.

Make sure you sleep when you can and try to get to bed early.In a few weeks you will be with your family and I hope it gives you the break you need.
Keep posting here for support and remember you deserve massive credit for being brave and strong.

Soconfusedandsohurt Thu 06-Apr-17 13:11:51

Adora10 this is my original thread don't know how to hyperlink on phone sorry, pretty much explains why we split.

Hermonie I don't feel brave, feel absolutely useless. Just can't see how it can get better.
I wish someone could just assure me that the children will be fine, and eventually me you know?
ExP's sister has been trying to contact me but I don't know if I should speak with her atm. We were good friends and she had a complicated relationship with P (because of how he became) but at the end of the day it is his sister and I don't want to cause further distress for anyone. He became a monster but once upon a time we were very in love and as much as he doesn't deserve it, I do still feel bad towards him for how this has all unfolded.

Adora10 Thu 06-Apr-17 13:19:27

Ok, read your first sentence and that was enough; domestic violence is a no, no OP, you know that; don't feel too bad for him, he brought it on himself.

I wouldn't speak to his sister either; do you have a friend you can confide in, you only need one person to give you that little bit of support.

You can feel bad about how it ended but honestly, I wouldn't give a woman beater an inch of sympathy, no matter how much stress or other shit he claimed to be under.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Apr-17 13:37:37

It sounds like you have anxiety and a bit of depression.
Could you go to your GP and get some help and support?
Are Womens Aid supporting you at all?
They can help point you in the right directly for local counsellors.

Yes your DC will fine.
Yes you will be fine.
It really will all be OK in the end.
But it's gonna take some time.
Be kind to yourself and your DC.
You won't believe any of us right now.
But we are all here to assure you that you have done the right thing.
That things really will get better.

Take it all one day at a time for now.

Hermonie2016 Thu 06-Apr-17 17:39:19

You are brave, doing something like leaving an abusive man is very brave and strong.

Your children will be fine and I wish we could fast forward 2 years so you could skip this stage.
You have to focus on yourself, whatever you can do to get through this stage.Try to eat well..make a few good choices but still enjoy chocolate.
Is your HV supportive? She maybe able to recommend local mum's in similar situations.I had fantastic friends from a post natal group.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: