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Remorse Regret Stories

(10 Posts)
GimmeHopeNC Thu 06-Apr-17 10:41:48

NC for this. LTR ended recently by him but I later found evidence of a third party being the reason. We have kids together.

I really want to be friends with my STBXH. But after the lies and cheating I'm struggling. I only think I'd be able to have any respect or friendship if he displayed ANY signs of remorse or regret for his actions. And I don't even mean wanting me back. I just want him to be sorry for what he's done.

So when does that look likely to happen? Will he ever realise what damage he's done and be sorry for it?

LesisMiserable Thu 06-Apr-17 10:44:00

Maybe,but its highly unlikely he will ever voice that to you.

Ellisandra Thu 06-Apr-17 10:49:32

I'm sorry that you won't like this... but I actually think that remorse and regret is less likely further down the line.

And more unlikely in someone who had an affair than someone who grew apart, or prioritised work.., affairs show a particular selfishness and disregard for the other person. If you didn't feel bad enough not to do it, why are you going to feel bad down the line?

My cheating XH certainly doesn't get more remorseful after time. Most people's lives do get better in time, because hurt fades, we've come to believe our self justification, and frankly most people make the best of things so life is better.

My cheating XH 4 years on? Now living with a woman who was not OW. Had cheated on her - and been taken back. Gets on well with her (honestly, a better personality fit) and has acquired a stepmother to our child allowing him to continue to be lazy.... she even does all the housework and cooking. Bottom line: he's happy as a pig in shit. Why would he ever regret cheating on me?

I know it's early days for you, but my advice is that you have to be civil with your ex, you don't have to be friends. And if being friends (or being civil) is dependent on his remorse, you're probably on a hiding to nothing.

Live your life for you, fuck him.

Ellisandra Thu 06-Apr-17 10:52:55

I really think you need to work out WHY you want to be friends with him, too.

- because you think it's better for the kids? Civil is fine, you don't have to be besties with a cheating arsehole for them to be undamaged and happy

- because you think you ought to be the bigger person? Over rated. He doesn't deserve your friendship and your can invest it with better reason in other people

You don't have to be consumed with hate and bitterness. Indifferent is better.

If you can forgive him and there is enough regard between you you've friends then fine - but personally I choose my friends more carefully wink

GimmeHopeNC Thu 06-Apr-17 11:03:42

I think I've always hoped he'd at least say he made a mistake. We were so good until she come on the scene. He withdrew from me because he started to invest in his relationship with her. I honestly think we were ok before that.

Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't think he was capable of being a father and a husband. At least in the later months. But again, that might've been because she was on his radar.

Do they withdraw then notice someone else or do they notice someone else then withdraw? We had it all and I'm struggling to know what went wrong. So it's hard when he says he wants to be friends for the kids. He hurt me so much so how can he expect that from me?

LesisMiserable Thu 06-Apr-17 11:54:35

I would say they notice someone else only if the relationship isnt right. Then they let the relationship go down the pan so they have less guilt about having their head turned

Esoteric Thu 06-Apr-17 12:01:12

Funnily enough I dont think thats always the case. I think the current relationship can be perfectly fine but sometimes "other stuff" going on in life is crap and instead of facing it head on and tackling it they look for a "diversion" and for many people with not much imagination thats an affair, it stops them thinking about the awful job, or debts or gambling or sick parents or whatever and diverts thier thoughts. Its awful and shitty but I genuinely believe thats the case with quite a lot of people, particularly men. I think with women its more common for their to be some kind of an issue in the marriage.

LesisMiserable Thu 06-Apr-17 12:33:09

Thats fair comment Esoteric

TheNaze73 Thu 06-Apr-17 12:47:29

People don't generally work like that. Don't get your hopes up.

Cherryblossom200 Thu 06-Apr-17 13:27:52

I hate to say this, but from previous experience (being cheated on and doing the cheating) it was because the relationship wasn't right. I think in general if people are happy they don't tend to cheat. The idea doesn't even cross their mind. It's hard to get your head round it. Like you, I also tried to work out what went wrong. And as first I was completely confused, thought everything was perfect. But the longer we were apart (I mean a couple of years) I finally started to realise there was A LOT wrong with the relationship. I like to think in the end it helps lead you to the right person as you learn from the mistakes.

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