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What to do, what to do!

(8 Posts)
WhatAdifferenceAdaveMakes Thu 06-Apr-17 09:40:06

Hi all

First of all I'm at guy and I'm 34 years old. 35 in October.

I have been worrying about having children later in life and it's now causing me some serious anxiety issues.

I don't want to come across as pompous or rude but I can't help but worry about it. My brother met his wife who already had two children. He was 33 when he had his own. I honestly hand on heart feel that this is the "perfect" age to be having children.

So I'm with someone I'm not 100% happy with. I was once. So could I be again? It would take a long post to explain why but basically finically I didn't think we were ready, she put a lot of pressure on me and I had a bit of mental break down.

My current partner has a low egg count so it won't be straight forward. We have had unprotected sex on a number of occasions in the past and nothing has happened.

What bothers me is I accept that 35, 36, 37 etc isn't old. But in my head 50+ is. I might be wrong.
For example to have a baby at 36, by the time I'm 50 they'll only be 14 and that for me, for some reason feels old.

What I'm asking here is am I wrong?

What do I do?

Booboo27 Thu 06-Apr-17 09:47:36

Don't have a baby with someone just because you feel like the clock is ticking. If you feel deep down that she's not right for you then don't waste anymore time and move on. My friend's dad was 42 when he had her, which yes, granted, did make him the oldest dad as he was in his late 50s when she was a teenager. It didn't matter at all though and they had a great relationship and he kept himself fit and well so he still had plenty of energy.
Never having kids isn't also always a bad thing either. You would have more freedom, money and spontaneity in your life to do the things you want to do. My godmother never had kids and she has had a really fulfilled life travelling the world, going on lots of fun dates, living in a beautiful home and having lots of pets to keep her company. It does sound like you really want kids though so my advice would be to leave and find someone you're happier with to start a family with and just accept you might be a slightly older parent. Or stay with her, work on the relationship first to get the happiness back, and then maybe go down the IVF route if she is really struggling to fall pregnant. It can take some women at least a year of trying regularly every month to fall pregnant naturally so don't be disheartened if it isn't happening right away. Good luck and hope it works out for you

thethoughtfox Thu 06-Apr-17 09:51:07

There is no perfect time and if you wait for that it might never happen. But you need to love your partner and be happy together and be able to financially support that baby. If you two are not happy now, imagine what it will be like when she is financially depended on you, tired, hormonal, maybe not in the mood for romance, and a lot of your current freedoms outside of the relationship are curtailed due to your new family commitments. How does that make you feel?

SparklyMagpie Thu 06-Apr-17 10:08:15

How many times are you going to start a thread about this?

Aussiebean Thu 06-Apr-17 10:10:06

Agree with not having a baby with your partner if your aren't happy with them. You will see each other at your rawest moments and you need to have the foundations there to help you survive.

As for being old. When I read yor post it really made me think of teenagers who think 25 is old. 100 years ago, yes it was old. But today, with better diet and medical advances, a 50 year old has 30/40 years left of their life to go. Thats not a guarantee of course, but the norm.

My dad was 42 when he had me. My brother 46 when he had his second. Neither would consider that too old.

Plus I have met 60 yr olds waiting to die, and 70 yr olds driving across Australia in a small Hyundai. So it is really a matter of mind set.

Happybunny19 Thu 06-Apr-17 11:25:01

FGS don't even consider having children with someone you're clearly not fully committed to just because you have some weird idea about the perfect age to start a family. TBH you don't come across as mature enough to start a family with the idea in your head about the timescale things should follow, life doesn't work like that. Stop comparing yourself to others around you, what works for them won't necessarily be the same for you.

The only correct age to start having children is when you find someone you want to spend your life with, with or without children. Women are human beings in their own right and shouldn't be considered a viable option only if their fertility is deemed acceptable to you.

Are you going to keep posting the same old thread until one person tells you to leave and find a breeder who will work to your predetermined timescale or stay with someone you aren't 100% about because she's the nearest convenient womb?

WhatAdifferenceAdaveMakes Thu 06-Apr-17 17:25:50

Happybunny19 what is the issue with me putting posts on here if it helps me and reduces my anxiety?

I don't see why you had to be so harsh when I'm only asking for support and advice from people. I work in a role where I have to be compassionate and supportive.

You have no idea who I am or what I do. You don't realise I've had a tough two years with quite significant injuries an illnesses.

It's had to accept that the perfect life that I wanted isn't happening for me which isn't necessarily my fault and that has taken a bit of a toll on my mental health.

I didn't come on here to argue with anyone or fall out with anyone. I just wanted to find someone who had the same worries as me, who took a leap of faith and everything worked out well.

Happybunny19 Thu 06-Apr-17 17:59:04

I judged on the information you provided on your op. I stand by everything i said, you're asking if you should reproduce with a girlfriend you say you're not 100% sure of and need to meet targets in life set to a timescale. That's just not real life. That's advice, you just don't like it.

For what it's worth i had my dc3 at 42. I probably didn't imagine having a baby at that age but it makes no difference, apart from increased stability, more financial freedom and a stable, loving, long term relationship that my great age brings.

Are you only prepared to listen to the good stories of a happy ending? You'll find many more examples of misery where pp rush to settle down with the wrong partner.

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