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Is it normal to have doubts, be scared of settling down?

(8 Posts)
user2949994 Wed 05-Apr-17 20:19:53

I’m 22 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years now on and off.
I can honestly say I would be heartbroken if we split up.. I really do love him a lot, first real love but over the years we’ve had a few problems and he’s done things to hurt me, but that all seems in the past now. and a part of me is feeling recently like I’m not so sure about our relationship progressing… we’re looking for somewhere to live and it’s scary, the thought of signing a contract on a house together terrifies me and I don’t know why. I definitely dont feel the same as I did but I'm not sure if that's in a good way and if it just means I'm settling and obviously cant expect to be in the crazy excited honeymoon stage forever.

to top it off, recently I cant stop thinking about a mutual friend of ours, I think I’ve had feelings for him for a while somewhat, as we get along incredibly well but I’ve never thought anything deeper of it until recently. but I think maybe my confusion over whether this relationship is ‘built to last’ and doubts about DP are impacting my thoughts about another guy. i.e suddenly when I’m confused, the feelings for the other guy ramp up. it’s ridiculous. at one point a year or so ago this guy told me he liked me, whilst me and DP were briefly split, and we said if there was not so much else in the picture, maybe we could have tried something ourselves- but obviously that never happened as DP and I got back together. to clarify I’m not thinking of acting on these, just considering it in the grand scheme of things! I would really never ever cheat so that’s not an option. I know it's just lust and wouldnt chuck away love for it. I just wonder if the presence of these feelings means I shouldn’t be with my DP. I want to be with him so badly and I want to make it work, I want to really stress that I do love him but I’m so confused by all these thoughts and doubts.

I’m so scared of settling down and regretting it sad
part of me thinks also as I grew up in a single parent family that I really struggle to view relationships as enduring. The thought of people being together for twenty, thirty years, for life, is just… lost on me?! I can’t imagine it.

is this normal? what should I do?

jbee1979 Wed 05-Apr-17 20:28:12

I don't think your heart is in your current relationship. I think you should look into the "sunken costs fallacy". Some time alone, not in a relationship might really help you. It's not for me to say that the other bloke isn't right for you, but the grass might not be greener, and it could be a disaster if you all move in the same circles. I'd finish the relationship and take some time to get my head straight flowers

stumblymonkeyremix Wed 05-Apr-17 20:28:54

I'm not going to be much help but my initial thought was...bloody hell...22!

I didn't settle down until 33 so 22 seems unimaginably young to be thinking about settling down to me.

IHeartDodo Wed 05-Apr-17 20:32:23

You are young to be settling down!
Maybe you just need to slow things down a bit, so you can chill out and take some time to calmly think about whether you really want this or not.

Gertrudeisgerman Wed 05-Apr-17 20:52:11

There a few early/mid 20's people on here today who are unsure of their relationships. One is in a very abusive one sad

What I would say is, you are all having doubts (and venting that on here) because you are TOO YOUNG. I'm 37, I had my first baby at 24 but I was single. Settled at 26 & honestly it was a huge mistake. I wish I'd have waited another 6/7 years. A divorce and 3dc's later I can honestly say waiting is a wise woman's game.

stumblymonkeyremix Wed 05-Apr-17 21:02:56

YY....I don't usually tell people what to do're so young. Get out, live life, experience lots of cultures, travel, take different lovers.

Your 20's is about experiencing everything and learning about who you are along the way (IMO).

Settling down already is a big missed opportunity (again, IMO).

Before I settled down I lived alone for a few years, lived in houseshares, lived with a good friend. I visited Asia, Europe, America. I had many different lovers...short relationships, long(ish) relationships with different types of men. I built a career. I became a Christian, got baptised and then ended up becoming an atheist again. I stayed in five star hotels and psychiatric hospitals, tents in the Guatemalan rainforest and I my own bed with my own cats.

Personally I couldn't have 'settled' without seeing what life otherwise had to offer. You'll change so much during your 20s.

user2949994 Wed 05-Apr-17 21:41:34

thank you everyone. I know I'm so young. I think I do just need some time to think about it all because I do want to be with him but at the same time I just don't know about all this... feels horrible to say it but it's true. That's one of the reasons why I feel doubtful, but then a lot of my friends are similar ages and in the same situations, living with significant others (or planning to in the near future) and seems like it works for them?

One of my best friends has been with her bf about 6 months and they're moving in together soon, she's just transformed from an independent woman into totally obsessed with her boyfriend and doting on him 24/7, ignoring friends etc, so seeing it happen from the other side is almost giving me a fresh perspective on what I may be missing out on.. but interestingly until now I didn't really feel like I was missing out on anything. in some ways I think the confusion is feeding into my crush on the other guy but then maybe it's the crush making me feel confused and crave 'freedom'??! Such a headfuck!

crazyhead Wed 05-Apr-17 22:31:04

Either he's not right or you're not ready. Either way, I'd leave.

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