Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Any advice appreciated(6 Posts)
I'm totally new to Mumsnet, I'm not a mum nor have I ever been married, but I've gone through a really tough breakup recently and found some interesting stuff on here so thought I'd turn to the forum for advice. I'm 34 and came out of a three and a half year relationship about a year ago.
Now being out of the shock and loss of it all, I've got a bit more perspective so thought I'd share for any pearls of wisdom out there.
My ex had been falling deeper into depression that resulted in pretty reckless behaviour on his part. The depressed part I was able to deal with, helped him into therapy and was as supportive as I could be. A big symptom was excessive drinking which resulted in him doing really uncharacterised things, like gambling on his own after a night out, when all of his mates had gone home. One night, a year before we broke up, he got totally drunk and ended up in a brothel having a blow job from a prostitute. He was desperately ashamed and told me about it 3 days later, totally breaking down. I thought he had hit rock bottom so I stayed with him after a week apart and helped him through and he started going to therapy. The months after were horrific for me and it took me 10 months before I started to trust him again. Then, a year ago it happened again. I'd said that if it ever happened again, I would leave, and I did. He told me about it again after 3 days, likely knowing I would leave, but couldn't keep it from me.
He had since been officially diagnosed as clinically depressed, medicated and has finally got a new, and seemingly much better, therapist. He doesn't know why he did it, but I know it is connected to much deeper issues going back a long way. He is talking to his family very openly which is progress and wants to be happy and healthy. We last saw each other 6 months ago, but for the last 6 months we haven't seen each other although he has messaged every now and again.
It's been a year now since we broke up and he wants to talk, actually he wants us to get back together or try to find a way to still be in each others' lives. What I'm struggling with is finally letting go as I can't imagine a life without him. I really miss him and still love him and would like nothing more than for us to be able to try again, but know that I would find it impossible to trust him again, and would spent my life waiting for the next time this happened when drunk and have to go through it all again. I think the paranoia of it would drive me mad. Plus he has to take the time on his own to deal with his issues and get into a good stable place before he even thinks about being in a relationship again. I want to get married and me a mumma one day, and know that I can't hang on for him as the work he needs to do on himself might take years. And who knows in reality whether I'd really be able to trust him again.
I guess what I'm wondering is whether anyone else had been through anything similar and has found a way back together, or whether I just need to properly end it and find closure and move on, and make this clear to him. He is a good person, just totally lost at the moment, and so ashamed of himself. Any advice would be massively appreciated.
You say you still love him and want to be able to try again but what is it you love about him? Do you want to take care of him? Rescue him? Where do you fit in in this?
Loving someone with unresolved issues seems to me to ask a very simp,e question: do you love him enough to put your own needs aside?
I asked myself this question when with an abusive heavy drinker who promised to give up and I decided I didn't love him enough to support him while he fixed himself.
Tough questions and tough decisions.
I had similar issues but dressed up a bit differently. I decided that I wasn't going to wait and moved on.
Five years later they are still behaving in the same way but with a different person. Sadly they are also still affecting the DD. However the DD is old enough to make her own decisions. So I do not interfere.
There is a lot of self inquiry needed to understand your motives for wanting to reconcile. Be absolutely 150% sure of your decision.
Think about what you really want. Is this chap good husband or father material?
I think you need to let him go. Find someone else.
You're 34 and want to be a mother: you don't have forever in terms of fertility, while this man is in no way suitable to have a family with. He will very likely relapse again and if you have dc with him, it would be so difficult and awful.
You might want to consider whether you are/were co-dependent. Deal with that, and concentrate on moving your life on from him.
Let it go.
A relationship requires, love, trust & respect - without all three you are basically screwed.
A lack of trust/respect is evident.
Ask yourself why you want to allow this man to make you into a possessive distrusting mad woman who will be driven to distraction every time he wants to go out?
He ain't worth it. And living with someone who is clinically depressed is no picnic either.
Seriously close the door on him. Look forward not back
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.