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A post break up hand hold on a wobble day/week/month...

(6 Posts)
alembec Wed 05-Apr-17 15:29:05

Partner and I broke up last September after 10 years, we have 1 nearly 2yr DC. He left me (and us, I guess) because he apparently hadn't properly loved me for years, well before our much hoped for child. Of course the fact that he was having an emotional affair with his PA, and had one night stand(s?) straight after we broke up had nothing to do with it... Yeah right. Complete script, now that I understand this issue more from reading on here. There could well have been more that I don't know, and his PA still works for him. He is the typical emotionally unavailable public schoolboy type, little love or affection in his family, and I realise I've curbed my own needs in order to fulfil what I thought were his ideal of a family (nice house, home cooking etc.etc.), and bent over backwards to make a happy home, even if of course I wanted that too.

I've been back at my very stressful work since September, and whilst they are understanding I think I'm past my grace period for grieving - it is a very male dominated environment and they'd just rather not know. I sort of like my job and enjoy the financial benefits but I earn less than 10% of what he does, and I don't see how I can progress in my career. I also don't have friends at work (though have lots of friends and family for support outside work).

We've been going to joint counselling since January to at least try to repair our communication regarding our child, and perhaps to see if there is any hope of repairing the relationship (at least from my side). however, the therapist has said to me (individually) that she doesn't see any relationship there between us. He hasn't been particularly forthcoming in taking ownership of his actions and doesn't act very sorry...

I suppose I don't really know what's next. Legal stuff to sort out maintenance for our child and the house we own together. Move on and focus on my life and career (and if a change is needed). Enjoy my friends and family.

But I find it so hard to not think about his PA, why he did this to me and is so cruel, why he is so controlling with money when really he is extraordinarily well off and what I have been asking for (for our child) is minimal relative to his earnings, and what the f* I can do to adjust to my new reality (i.e. maybe not having more kids, no home security - he will buy me out of the house, perhaps dealing with the fact that he may well end up in a proper relationship with his PA who will become our child's step mum... WAH!!!)

I know all this dwelling on stuff is unhealthy, but I'm seriously wobbly. Please can I have a hand hold or advice... I'm sleep deprived, have a cold, and am in a horrible mood.

Thank you.

Esoteric Wed 05-Apr-17 15:47:24

A big hug from me, I'm still at home with husband at moment 4 months after finding out about husbands one sided crush from years back , it was bad enough for him to have been writing poems and songs which he then recorded and never got rid of, a lot of texting at the time too, this person worked for us, if I leave bang goes my job as we work together and it's a business I have worked full time in and built but the knowledge side of it is his, he can do it without me, I can't without him. It's very hard to not feel resentful in these situations, but you may get karma , when one goes off with the mistress it creates a vacancy!! If he is well off then you should be getting good money for at least your child if not married, and that includes for housing etc , I think it probably feels a lot worse if all this is in limbo,

Kittencatkins123 Wed 05-Apr-17 22:29:42

Gosh it's all very new, don't be hard on yourself for dwelling on what's happened. EA with a PA how utterly pathetic. Others will be able to give you more advice on the financial stuff but just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say it will get better and MNers can be incredibly helpful both in terms of practical advice and support. Do you have people who can help you IRL?

alembec Thu 06-Apr-17 08:37:42

Thank you both...
I do have good IRL help but fact is given we had been together 10 years (I'm 35), most of my best friends are his friends or married to his friends, and I'm sure they find themselves caught in a difficult place.

I think it is the being in limbo that is hard, but to leave limbo I have to just accept I'M LEAVING HIM TOO! but find it find.

MrsMozart Thu 06-Apr-17 09:02:11

Have a hug and a hand hold lass.

Kittencatkins123 Thu 06-Apr-17 09:23:44

Urgh that's tricky. When I've been going through a tough time and can't lean on friends I've tried to focus on myself - running, working out, some kind of physical challenge (eg doing a 10k). Is that a possibility for you if you can arrange (free) childcare. Obviously lots of stress busting, endorphin boosting benefits. (And running is free). Or you can do classes online at home or do a fitness DVD etc.

Have you seen a solicitor yet? You should be able to get a degree of free advice, even just to help you feel less powerless financially. Do you know anyone who has been through a separation/divorce who can help advise? Can you investigate low cost counselling in your area?

Also, even though your friends are interlinked, they should support you (especially as you are not the one in the wrong!) Don't worry that it will be awkward or a burden. He has taken a lot - don't let him take your friendships too!


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