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I am completely alone and in hopeless situation. pls help

(13 Posts)
lonelynlost Wed 05-Apr-17 13:42:08

My marriage is falling apart, and i have no job. dh and i are from different countries(me Indian, dh 2nd gen american) live in UK for 3 years. I couldn't find work (initially because we had to stay with in-laws, fil was v sick) and afterwards I ended up accommodating my daily life to dh's needs - sometimes travel, some mini crisis, almost moving from one problem/crisis to another from dh side (he doesn't understand or appreciates my support). On top of it dh had (still has) trust issues from previous marriage, says ex had npd, which made him v cautious. His family also told him to be cautious since he burnt his hands before. Problem is he views marriage from his side. From the beginning, I had to understand his pressure, his limitations, emotional unavailability, irritations etc. while he didn't make any efforts towards our marriage/ or meeting my needs. Before we married, I was in India, he was in UK. In his mind, him working for his job (he loves his job) was his efforts towards our marriage, and that he helped me with spouse visa. Also, dh's family is very old fashioned and supports his thinking of one sided marriage. dh was quite agreeable before we got married. but soon after had anger explosions over minor things or things he misunderstood. First time, he got irritated when I said I was sad he would be gone soon, he thought I was putting pressure on him, when I tried to explain he got mad at me for not understanding the pressures he has to make our marriage successful. He was divorced twice. So I understood that there must be a feeling of failure or shame, and apologised. Ever since then, he is very unreasonable. He has black and white thinking. In moments of anger, he labeled me as a bad person but when normal told me how nice and supportive I was. Again an argument would happen and he would call me unsupportive, demanding, etc. He even compared me with his ex. In anger told me I married him for lack of other options, etc. Never apologised, sulked like a kid. I was the one who tried to end fights. Then other times told me ho lucky he is to have me. His family enables him, praises him a lot. I am the only one who complained to him. I am not allowed to express any feelings of hurt or disappointment. He now calls me critical. When not fighting, he would come hug me, cuddle with me, etc. Our sex life is also very erratic. He would go w/o sex for weeks, when I asked he said our fights affected him. It bothers me that he never tried to bring up this issue or tried to resolve it. Just says for him sex is not just about physical attraction. Now I also don't feel attracted. We haven't had sex in 4 months. He stills hugs me cuddle while sleeping. I have so much resentment about him rejecting me physically, emotionally and for having such love and hate feelings towards me. We have been to couple therapy twice. Both times he was reluctant, and we stopped going after few sessions. He changed his mind about first therapist. It took him so long to agree to see 2nd therapist. I love him but I feel very hopeless. I have totally ruined my chances of having a career. Now he says, I am not appreciative that he works so hard (he is in a top management position and really enjoys his work, until recently had very flexible work conditions and no long working hours), says I have too much time to think about our marriage problems while he has to be the practical and mature one. I have realised dh needs long term therapy to fix his personality issues. He projects a lot. He changes his opinion about me depending on if we are fighting or not, can easily form negative opinion. Usually he doesn't get openly angry, make irritated comments. When I ask him why he is irritated with me, gets angry. If I disagree with him or bring any concerns, gets angry and leave, and then a period of silence follows. I am really tired of this. He himself recently agreed that he has some behavioural issues. But he doesn't find me supportive. I am quite bitter inside for putting up with this and not getting any love and I think my bitterness shows every now and then. I feel he doesn't not value me. We agreed to see therapist individually. But recently we had a fight since he wants to take a job offer in US and i don't want to go further away from my family in such conditions. I want to work on my depression (caused by constant fights) and start my career. I did research and feel I am codependent. Which many Indian women are. I saw a new therapist on my own yesterday. I found him a bit too blunt - when I told him that dh's ex had npd, therapist commented that he seems to be the one with personality disorder. dh has some very good qualities but he comes from a family of rigid mindset, so he keeps fluctuating between self awareness and old school selfish values. I think our resentment and constant fights doesn't give him enough time to stabilise his thinking and change. My options now are - go back to India and restart my life. It will be a very difficult life for first few years- extremely judgemental society (strangers, colleagues, neighbours, even friends and families are like that), they don't let you forget anything. Also, I need therapy to gain back self esteem, and we don't have good therapists in India. I don't think I can stay in UK for long, dh will need to move to US in 3-4 months. If I move to US with him, I can continue therapy and start a business but I don't know how I can handle such difficult marriage. Or stay with him in UK for next 3-4 months, take therapy and go back to India. I talked to a family member, and was told that most marriages have such problems (Indian mindset) and that if I am too unhappy I should return but need to build a thick skin and focus on building career. I also fear I will miss dh badly if we split. We have some very nice moments between fights. dh is in US for the meeting, and before leaving he said his life is ruined. He is not able to see how he is affecting my life(Only a week ago he said he has realised that our marriage has made him aware of his issues). Also, I am confused about new therapist, he was a bit too opinionated. I can check with previous one, if he is willing to see me alone. He was less involved but at least less judgemental. Or try art therapy. I am quite lost and no-one to talk to. Please give me some suggestions if you can. Thanks for your patience with this long and confusing post.

HazelBite Wed 05-Apr-17 13:54:03

Am I correct in thinking you are his third wife?( I found your post hard to read without paragraphs)
He hasn't got a very good track record has he?
How much did you know about him before you married?

lonelynlost Wed 05-Apr-17 14:09:12

Sorry I just realised. It's not easy to read.
Yes he doesn't have good track record. He had a very likeable personality, so I believed him. His last ex was abusive. But in general every ex was wrong.

Truth is he is a good person and means well. He has trouble understanding women. Comes from pretty judgemental family, and there is high expectations from women.

But to give him benefit of doubt, if we split, I will also have 2 failed marriages and I will also look like someone with bad track record.
One thing is clear that he is difficult in this marriage. Any suggestions what I should do now? Thank you for reading my long post.

anxiousnow Wed 05-Apr-17 14:21:24

Hi OP, remember that anything you chose to do is written in stone. If you decide to move to the US you are not stuck there forever. Maybe with less involvement from DH's family you may be able to get him to attend counselling again. Do either of you have any children?
It is normal to be more negative about someone in an argument. Does your DH apologies and try to work through whatever caused the argument? It is hard to tell from your original post but he doesn't sound particularly abusive, just saying you are critical. Do you love him? It does sound like you both need counselling and to work through if you want to be together. You are an equal partner in the marriage. Him earning doesn't change that. Your needs are just as important as his. You need to make some friends and build a support network. This is important for everyone whether they be happily married or not.

lonelynlost Wed 05-Apr-17 14:57:53

Thank you anxious.
Dh rarely apologises. He is too self righteous. He has screamed at me and made judgemental remarks on my upbringing and my family. He never apologised but one time I asked him if he really thinks like that, and he says he really regrets it but don't know how to apologise. His anger is full of rage and he is very openly insulting - calls me pathetic, drama, use your brain while point to his own head in anger, one time said fuck off but later said he felt very bad about it.
We tried counselling twice both times dh was reluctant and was not really motivated to do any team exercise. His says he know we will have argument. It's partly true but he was never interested to begin with.
He is a typical manly man with interest in sports, machines but doesn't understand emotions. He grew up in that culture, it's not really his fault.
His family lives in US and they have a strong influence on him.
Yes we can do therapy in US but from my experience, He agrees for therapy and get busy in day to day life and when I remind him get upset for being on his case.
I am very resentful after all these years. I feel our marriage should be important to him too. I do love him and find it difficult to leave. We don't have kids.

OnTheRise Wed 05-Apr-17 19:30:54

Dh rarely apologises. He is too self righteous. He has screamed at me and made judgemental remarks on my upbringing and my family. He never apologised but one time I asked him if he really thinks like that, and he says he really regrets it but don't know how to apologise. His anger is full of rage and he is very openly insulting - calls me pathetic, drama, use your brain while point to his own head in anger, one time said fuck off but later said he felt very bad about it.

That's abusive behaviour. And relationship counselling isn't advised for a couple where one person is abusive: it often ends up with the abuser using the counselling sessions as a way to criticise and demean their partner.

You deserve to be treated far better than this. Get therapy for yourself, to help bolster your self esteem. Move on from there.

Misstic Wed 05-Apr-17 19:43:53

I don't think this man will change. Lay your foundations to eventually leave him. Don't waste your time trying to fix him.

lonelynlost Wed 05-Apr-17 21:13:05

How do I work on my self-esteem? I have no social life or support in UK. Not even one person to talk to.
dh is in US to discuss the new offer. He discussed with me night before he left and got extremely upset with me for stating my worries. (He had only got to know a day before about this offer. )
At one point, he held my hand and said we will go to therapist but lost it because I would still be worried about his family. I was worried about being close to his family since they are rude to me on each visit and in past he ignored it and continued having fun. I wanted to hear assurance that he will take care of it and he couldn't see the connection between new job and his family. They will be very close to where we will live.
He was upset that I wasn't supportive whereas all his work colleagues move countries with their wives all the time.
He says we will take therapy in US but I don't trust since he said many times here and didn't really follow through. He told me he is sad and disappointment and next morning when I tried to talk. He was screaming at me, telling me he can't have a mature conversation with me.
He left for US that morning by saying his life is ruined. And didn't any message for 2 days. Finally on his day of meeting, I told him to not decline the offer (this offer came a month ago too and we had similar fights and he declined). He sent me 2 messages yesterday updating about meeting.
My problem is I empathise too much and understand other person's frustrations even if it is targeted to me. I understand that it's a too good of opportunity for his career. But it's not easy for me to move in our current conditions.
I can't call him a bad person. He has redeemable qualities too. We went to my mom's house in India a month ago and took care of her dog. Bought monthly food, fed him while there, made his eating plan, etc. (My mom can be forgetful). As long as he is not upset, he would be happy to help.
He is flexible about other things. He praises my cooking almost all the time. There are times, I told him I don't feel like cooking and he would be flexible to order. I told him if we can have a cleaner, he agreed.
It's black and white thinking in fights and yes, it does feel like abuse when he is so angry.
Coming back to me, how do I become a detached person now. How do I change myself to only look from my perspective?
I grew up with this way of thinking sad. I don't stay angry/ hate people for long.
I am so depressed and anxious now. I need therapy badly. dh will be back next week and will be in UK for about 2 months even if he decides to go to US (most likely scenario).
If I decide to split, I have to go back to India. I won't be allowed to stay in UK because of visa. Life is becoming miserable here as I am so lonely. I want to go to India now, at least there will be a change in the beginning. But therapy is not good there. And I don't really have a social life other than mom and dog. My friends all over the world now.
If I was strong, I would have taken therapy in UK for 2 months and moved to India. But I am miserable and it might be worse once dh is back and we not talking.
Should I go to India right away, and look for therapist there?
Or should I take therapy for 2 months here and then go to India?

anxiousnow Thu 06-Apr-17 00:32:36

Lonely, ok I apologise after reading your second post he does sound abusive. Not contacting you for 2 days until you text him to agree to job is terrible behaviour. Does he do the silent treatment often until he gets his way? Arrange UK therapy for you now, hopefully you can get stronger do that at the end of the 2 months you feel strong enough to return to India if you so wish. Do you have access to funds to start saving for an escape plan if you chose to go?

anxiousnow Thu 06-Apr-17 00:36:16

Only you know if you can stay and get the UK therapy or whether you need to go back to India before that. Can you take up a hobby or part time job or anything to meet people and make friends?

ApplePaltrow21 Thu 06-Apr-17 00:49:34

Do you want a visa (UK or US?) If so, don't go home.

Which path gives you the most options? Could you get a job in the UK to stay? Or which visa will he be on in the US? H-1B? L-1? Green card?

If he's on a visa to the US that gives you the option to work and is going towards a green card, it's probably worth going (if you want one). Then go to the US with him, get a job and the green card and then divorce him, if you can stand it. (Is he physically abusive at all? If he ever is and you are in the US, don't leave the US, file for a U visa.)

lonelynlost Thu 06-Apr-17 02:51:34

Anxiousnow, I can take therapy for 2 months, dh's company insurance will pay. I have some money in my bank account. Not much though. But I can start a small business in India. I don't have to worry about rent in India, can live in family home.
Sad, I was hoping to hear he is not abusive, he is overwhelmed, will change. I guess I am in denial. He hasn't hit me though.

anxiousnow Wed 12-Apr-17 02:06:22

How's it going lonely?

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