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Leave love for lust? Follow your head or your heart?

(26 Posts)
LocksOfGold Wed 05-Apr-17 12:14:26

Hey all, I am a first time poster and really need some advice from outsiders. I'll explain my situation as best I can, may be quite long!

I am a 23 year old woman and I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have a mortgage together and he is everything I could hope for in a man. He's sweet, kind, caring and my friends and family adore him. Our whole relationship has been pretty much perfect, we are best friends and we literally never argue.

However over the past few months I've become extremely close with someone at work. It started as a friendship, but then on a night out he confessed his feelings for me (at that time he had a girlfriend who also worked with us!) I was taken back and it actually really shocked me. After that I started to notice there was a lot more flirting at work and for some reason I quite enjoyed it. I knew it was bad so I had a discussion with him to say it's not right as we both have partners etc.
However nothing really changed, he started to private message me and I found myself really wanting to reply. I felt so guilty to the point I told my boyfriend that I was texting a male friend from work, which he was actually ok with.

So the texting continued, nothing bad, just general chitchat and sometimes even work talk... however this then basically became part of my daily routine and I'd miss hearing from him if he didn't text me.
At this point he was still telling me he liked me and he even ended things with his girlfriend. But I continued to tell him that I love my boyfriend and we are just friends.

Fast forward to last weekend, we went to a work party, got very drunk and ended up kissing. Something I would never dream of doing to my partner! I felt so guilty but at the same time I enjoyed it so much! I can't for the life of me get that kiss out of my mind. I feel that if I could go back in time I would do it all over again, when really I should be feeling regret, for doing that to my partner! Why do I feel this way?

I cried so much the next morning because of how guilty I felt and I told my partner what happened. He was extremely hurt but being the sweet man he is, forgave me and said we can work through this. He's asked me to stop texting my colleague, which is fair enough but I don't want to stop sad. I even sat down with his Mum and friend as he told them what had happened and I wanted to make it clear that it was just a drunken mistake.... but was it? Because part of me wants it to happen again.

Since then my colleague pulled me aside at work and told me he wants us to be together, he's fallen for me etc. Major head fuck!

I've spoken to my close friends and family however it's difficult because they all love my partner and think i shouldn't of even told him about the kiss! One friend says I'm young and should enjoy life and if I want someone else I should be leaving my relationship and selling the house.

I'm really stuck and need Mumsnet advice/stories on similar situations? My head is telling me I need to get over this guy at work, I have everything I want with my partner and i would be a fool to loose that. My heart is telling me to go for it and enjoy myself.

Thank you if you made it this far guys xxxx

Nomoreworkathome Wed 05-Apr-17 12:22:20

You sound about 15
Do your partner a favour and let him go. You have no intention of breaking things off with this guy.

LocksOfGold Wed 05-Apr-17 12:22:37

How annoying it didn't post in paragraphs, probably a nighgmare to read. Sorry x

NotALottaPot Wed 05-Apr-17 12:25:10

You're too young, stay single for a while.

Maxwellthecat Wed 05-Apr-17 12:27:37

Split up with your partner he doesn't deserve this. I would be single though.

Adora10 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:31:35

If you were not 23 I'd say grow the hell up; you are both playing with each other's feelings and feelings of those who do not deserve to be treated like crap because that's what you're doing, treating your partner like crap, do the right thing and let him go, then you can get together with Romeo but be prepared, it might not feel as exciting when you are not sneaking about.

user1479305498 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:38:20

yep strangely I have found it becomes a lot less exciting when its all above board! so either end it with your partner and take that risk or cut it dead now. Also, he knows you have a partner but still made a play for you, is he that nice a guy to be honest?? 6 months down the line if he finds it that easy and you have lost your shine he may well be onto the next one

HecateAntaia Wed 05-Apr-17 12:38:46

lust over love is always a ridiculous choice.
lust is a short term imbalance and it does not last.
love is lust's older, wiser, healthier and happier older sibling!

that said, maybe you are just too young to be in an adult responsibility with adult responsibilities.
perhaps you should consider having some alone time before embarking on a new relationship.

HecateAntaia Wed 05-Apr-17 12:39:50

relationship that should read.
bloody autocorrect.

that is not a criticism of you. it is meant kindly.

Blossomdeary Wed 05-Apr-17 12:44:20

I think it is a case of follow your genitalia or your heart frankly.

Being in a long term committed relationship does not stop us fancying other people, especially at your young age. It is what you do about it that matters.

If you cannot commit to your BF then do him a favour and let him go.

Hairq Wed 05-Apr-17 12:45:07

The other man is a red herring. You're really young - too young to have settled already. End it with your partner and enjoy being single or casual relationships for a boy. Just don't expect this other man to turn out to be the love of your life and don't settle down again to quickly. Enjoy your youth.

Kittencatkins123 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:51:51

It sounds like you settled down a bit too young - this can work for some people but it hasn't worked for you. All the texting was an emotional affair and now it's tipped into physical. That's a lot of energy and emotion that has led up to this - you should have cut him off, instead you have let it build and build and it's now affecting your relationship (and may have wrecked it altogether).

You either split with your boyfriend, sell the flat and move out or you stay with him and leave your job. You can't continue to work with this guy if your relationship is going to stand a chance.

Obviously if you split with your boyfriend you then run the risk that the new relationship doesn't work out but that's life! It might be good for you to be on your own for a while anyway - I don't think lurching from one relationship to the next is neccessarily healthy.

Roanoke Wed 05-Apr-17 12:53:53

I'm not sure why you felt it was a good idea to keep telling your partner every gory detail. The poor bloke's going to feel like he's been watching the trainwreck happen while he was trying to be all modern and trusting, and you've kind of just shat on that.

Just end it. Whatever was missing in your relationship, whatever wasn't doing it for you, that won't change now. It's broken. Tainted. I really don't think you can get past this.

Truth is the youth thing might be a factor. To have settled down at 20 (I settled down at 19 - trust me, it matters) means missing out on a lot of other experiences - dating, good dates, bad dates, learning about different partners, what you want, what you don't want, experiencing love and lust with different people. That lack can hit you pretty hard at some later point when you find yourself asking 'what if' and possible partners will keep coming into your line of sight long after home has gotten stale and boring.

user1479305498 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:57:03

yep in my case--married at 19, divorced at 28. You change a lot in that period. I know it works for some though so not knocking it, but it didnt for me. I was busy saving for fridge freezers when mates were on 18-30 hols. I didnt resent it at 19, I did at 26.

Littlejayx Wed 05-Apr-17 12:58:57

You have to split up with your boyfriend. By the sound of it you are clearly a young 23 and are not ready for such a serious relationship.

The relationship musn't have been right for you if you have cheated with someone else. Do you for a while.

Btw the grass isn't greener when you get there

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Apr-17 13:12:29

Well you have told your OH which a lot of people won't do so I'd have say well done for that.

But.... let your BF go and let him find someone who loves him with their whole heart.
You clearly don't.
You are young,
You were young when you settled down and haven't really had a 'wild time' (I would guess)
End it and get out there and enjoy yourself a bit more before you settle down again.

The grass is very rarely greener on the other side.

Huskylover1 Wed 05-Apr-17 13:28:05

That lack can hit you pretty hard at some later point when you find yourself asking 'what if' and possible partners will keep coming into your line of sight long after home has gotten stale and boring

Oh, wow, this ^^ is so true. But, in my experience, it hits men worse. I married at 20. All of my friends also married in their 20's. Not one of the men in these marriages stayed faithful. It's like they all got to a certain age and realised that they hadn't had many sexual partners, and that they were getting older. Bleurgh. We are all divorced now, except for one couple (she decided to forgive him).

I am married now to my lovely (2nd) DH. When we met, he was mid 30's and had had many GF, and was so ready to settle down with one woman. No hint of cheating or looking elsewhere.

But, what do you do, if you think you've met The One, when you are only 19 (like my son has)? You're hardly going to bin them off, and sleep around, just in case it goes tits up ten years later.

However, the fact that you've kissed the OM, tells me you are not sure that your BF is The One. In that case, I think it's time to play the field a bit before you settle down. If that includes OM, then so be it. But as PP have said, he might not find you so exciting when you are actually available. You might find that he runs for the hills. At the moment he can flirt all he likes, as you're holding him at arms length.

ChemistryGeek Wed 05-Apr-17 15:18:06

I was in exactly (spookily so) the same situation as you, except I was 21.

My bf (fiancé) eventually dumped me, though he tried to forgive at first. I got together with ap for a while but it subsequently transpired he was an arse and broke my heart (karma). I went on the sow A LOT of wild oats. I met my now DH a couple of years later and we've been together 18 years.

I am so so grateful I was dumped - I was too young to settle down then.

TheNaze73 Wed 05-Apr-17 18:52:39

I think you should dump them both. You're only 23, you don't need all that shit.

Cricrichan Wed 05-Apr-17 20:38:08

I think that at only 23 you shouldn't settle down unless you're absolutely sure, which you're obviously not! End it with your boyfriend, live alone and have fun.

LocksOfGold Wed 05-Apr-17 21:07:48

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's so hard because I know everything your saying is so right, but it's just taking that actual step and leaving an absolute diamond is something I fear I will hugely regret. When I'm with my OH I'm happy and I feel so much love, but when I'm not I hardly even think about him.

I don't see colleague as a potential boyfriend, infact I think he may be a bit of a player! I think it's just the excitement and the immense sexual chemistry between us I like, I've never really had any of this in my life before. My friends are always dating and having different boyfriends, I've only ever had 2.

SleepingTiger Wed 05-Apr-17 22:26:16

You have no idea what love is.
Absolutely no idea.
None.
Nothing.

You should let the first guy go. Gently. He is a person after all. You have no right to call him an "absolute diamond" and you have no right to say that "he is everything I could have hoped for in a man".

Because you don't know. You have no idea. The first man doesn't either. Or he wouldn't have let you off without both of you moving forward, being complete. Which is by the way something you have yet to learn how to be with someone. And it will take you a long time. Double your age and you will start to learn.

The work guy? Go for it. Just learn from that experience. You have more to learn from him than the first guy. You know that already.

Just treat every person with respect.
And you wil go far.

You are at a crossroads.
Now you have something to write about.

Patchouli666 Wed 05-Apr-17 22:49:52

I think you are just too young. Your perfect boyfriend would be in five or ten years but now, you still have some exploring to do. It will break his heart yes but it's better now that's in five years and a baby in tow and sorting all that mess out. A mortgage isn't a life sentence.
Go and live life for a bit. With this new guy, with others. Don't be in such a rush. I could have done exactly what you did when I was 20/21. Lived with a guy. Got refused a mortgage thankfully so rented but then got to meet/ saw my now dh. I made my ex pay back the money he owed my parents by him getting a loan and then finished it. I thought I'd been happy with ex. Till I met dh. We are married, four kids and I'm nearly 44.
And I've never ever been tempted since
If it's hard now to resist temptation it'll be a bloody lot harder in ten to twenty years believe me. My dh is still all and everything I want

Good luck

SleepingTiger Wed 05-Apr-17 23:40:48

The last part of your post Patchouli is contraindicated.

NancyWake Thu 06-Apr-17 00:47:27

I think you need to experience life before can really tell which relationships are right for you. You're clearly not ready to settle down yet.

I would end it with your bf, kiss this frog and a few more. And don't get a mortgage with someone until you're really ready to commit.

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