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Falling for another man

(14 Posts)
emilyjan1 Wed 05-Apr-17 09:58:40

So i write this pretty devastated,
My oh works away from home, seve drifted for uears, hes not been a great bf, ive probably not been the most supportive gf. I feel like now we just function the way we do for the sake of our children. The relationship between us two is gone! Its always just been easier to stay than go for both of us as it keeps the children happy abd we live very sperate ljves really. Mive never been tempted to cheat or be with anyone else

But recently i met a younger guy through someone i know, hes child free, we got talking. Thats all it was just casual chat, but i feel like is moved. And now we enjoy chatting more than we should. Im starting to feel guilty! On both guys! Im not sure this guy even knows im in a relationship cos like i say it isnt really one! Its quite normal to assume im not. Bug my oh would be devastated by this! Just feel down about it all!

What do i do!?!?
I mean im not even sure id be able to settle down this new guy, so maybe i should just cool it off and stay with my oh... But theres no feelings there anymore :-/

DtD1986 Wed 05-Apr-17 10:06:45

I think if ur unhappy it's time to come clean and be honest we wouldn't like it done to us.
Reguardless of how much u feel for ur oh and the new guy you have to be honest with yourself what do u truly want . And if it ends up a big mistake then at least u tried for yourself and nobody else.
Think u need time to think about what u want. Attention is nice when ur in a helpless relationship but flirting is cheatings ugly cousin. Never do anything that u wouldn't like done to urself but do what's best for u just try not to hurt anyone in the process unless it's necessary xxx

Adora10 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:05:05

Exactly whey staying together for the kids doesn't work in the long run; you can't really go out and offer yourself as available when still living together; and it's not an attractive situation for a would be boyfriend so I'd suggest you get on and do things properly that allows you both to go out there as single people because at the moment, however much you dress it, you're still very much attached and I'd not be interested in having that kind of relationship with someone. If you stay amicable, no reason whey the kids won't be ok.

gamerchick Wed 05-Apr-17 12:07:39

Sounds like it's a push you need. Tell the other guy you have shit to sort out and cut off contact. Then use the energy you've been pouring into this bloke to sort out your relationship or end it. Your bloke may be feeling just as miserable and may agree if it's time to split up.

emilyjan1 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:19:10

My oh definatley knows the relationship is done too. Tho i think he holds onto hope more than i do. He would happily stay in the relationship with me just to have us to come home to after his shifts away. He always tell me not to give up on him and us and that things will come good. But injjst dont think they ever will anymore.. He knows im not happy.. And hes not either. I will completely destroy him leaving him though. And i hate the thought of hurting him. Its not really anyones fault, weve just grown out of love, and our set up has pushed us apart. Hes always under alot of pressure to provide for us, and im always home with the kids on my own.

HarmlessChap Wed 05-Apr-17 12:37:52

It doesn't sound like the current set up is rewarding for either of you, as it is.

If you do go your separate ways then he may wish to scale back his pressure to provide for you and look at working close to home, so that he can be around more, to provide 50:50 parenting of your children.

user1479305498 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:48:20

Im going to be honest and tell you something here and it about killed me at the time . When I left my exH in 1990 after 9 years of marriage (I chose to leave--felt exactly as you do) I tore myself to shreds before I told him for months as I knew he would be devastated as it wasnt what he wanted. We had 2 boys 5 and 8. First 3 weeks, we had a lot of contact, all quite upsetting stuff , by week 5 he had met someone else who was a friend of a friend, (he definitely didnt know her before in any way) by week 7 I was having trouble getting him to contact me in a timely way for stuff to do with the boys. So much for devastation!!!! . Within 3 months they were living together and actually after a few months my boys went back to him to live (by mutual arrangement and discussion as he had a much better family set up than I did and the school was better) She was lovely actually, they never had any more children and I like her a lot--she was actually way more suited to him than me to be honest. So never predict how someones "devastation" will play out after the first few weeks. I did and had a bit of rude awakening!! They have now been married 21 years. Never in my opinion base a decision like this solely on thinking about someone else being devastated.

SandyY2K Wed 05-Apr-17 12:50:30

Unless you and your OH actually do something, your relationship won't "come good", anytime soon.

It won't magically get better, if you don't actively do something.

Much like a car in need of repair, time won't make the problem disappear, only a mechanic can sort it out.

Smeaton Wed 05-Apr-17 12:54:45

You do know you don't need a reason to leave someone? Just being unhappy is more than enough.

Then think of the children. Would they not prefer their pare ts to be happy than to live in drudgery for their sake? I doubt it. Sure they'll be upset short term, long term though, they'll move on.

Adora10 Wed 05-Apr-17 13:08:42

Staying out of pity is never a good choice.

In time if you do he'll no doubt have his head turned then, then what will you do; don't wait until then to make the break, do it whilst you are both being agreeable and understanding; not when one of you actually meets someone unless you plan on spending the rest of your life celibate.

Dadaist Thu 06-Apr-17 00:49:29

Mhmm - I think in the midst of an emotional affair, you can exaggerate the extent to which there is a mutual deterioration in your relationship. You say that you are both loitering at the exit - that he just likes something to come home to, but then that he would be 'destroyed' and hurt if you've finished. I get the slight impression you are exaggerating the problems with DP to minimise the betrayal you contemplate.
Really your story is so familiar it's almost normal - kids, work, stress, drudgery, loss of intimacy - coparenting replaces love and affection. It happens - a great deal of the time.
You could confess to your feelings - and use it to start to improve your relationship with DP, rather than take things further with OM - (who may well not be looking for long-term relationship with someone with children embarking on a separation from her children's father).
If there was something good between you, and you've both made mistakes - then it might be worth exploring? Perhaps you should at least try. Every Christmas, every birthday, every family celebration will be different when your children are having to see you both separately.
If it doesn't work out and at least you have tried.

emilyjan1 Fri 07-Apr-17 01:00:23


The point is weve tried over and over and over again for years.. If i walk away now i will 100% know that i tried! To give more details.. He deals with depression and uses alcohol to medicate that. Hes stuck in work stress depression drink cycle and cant or wont get himself out if it for us..hes made massive mistakes ive always forgiven him to 'try' again. But after years of this im realising this is never going to change. He'd be devastated cos he cant seem to control his depression and therefore i feel for him in that its not intentional hurt and damage to our realtionship hes causing. I care about him alot as does he but he always says i deserve better and he cant be better that he 'needs to let us go' and i always say i'll 'keep trying' to no avail... :-(

anxiousnow Fri 07-Apr-17 02:15:15

Emily, if you truly believe your relationship is over then end it, kindly. Don't do it because your head has been turned. You and your H deserve happiness. Good luck if you decide to leave, don't start anything with the OM yet though. Leave if you so chose, then get you head straight as a single person.

emilyjan1 Fri 07-Apr-17 14:33:04

Your so right anxiousnow thank you

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