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Is it ever really a shock?

(105 Posts)
ChocolateDoll Tue 04-Apr-17 23:38:06

Is there anyone here who has discovered a partner's / husband's affair, and who can genuinely and truly say that it was an absolute shock? A complete bolt from the blue in what you thought was a very mutually happy marriage? Something that, the day before the betrayal was uncovered, you'd have said was totally not possible?

I've just been thinking back to a previous relationship where I was cheated on. I never really believed it until confronted with the evidence, but with hindsight, I knew all along. I knew something wasn't right, but it's like my brain chose to believe what I wanted to believe. Almost like I tricked myself. I really wouldn't have believed it at the time, and it's only now that I'm emotionally removed from the situation that I can see that I bloody did know! I knew all along if I'd dared to rven think it.

I'm just wondering how common this is, or whether there are lots of examples of affairs where it was a genuine shock in a very happy relationship. And where even with hindsight, you can still look back and know that there was no way you saw that coming.

Not sure if I'm making sense. Just wondering about relationships and trying not to repeat some of my past mistakes!

IsNotGold Wed 05-Apr-17 06:09:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlie97 Wed 05-Apr-17 06:44:39

Not me, but a friend.

Total absolute shock!!! Not a clue.

fedupandnogin Wed 05-Apr-17 07:14:42

My relationship wasn't good so not really surprising in some ways that he had an affair. But I went into shock.

NotJanine Wed 05-Apr-17 07:17:58

Yes complete shock. There have been threads on here before with lots of people saying they'd have bet their life on their partner never cheating on them (til they did).

jemimarose Wed 05-Apr-17 07:21:26

Yes. Walking to PO with my two sons aged 7 and 5 and friend calls to say she had sex with my DH on my sofa when I went to bed.

Didn't believe it, phoned DH who confirmed it was true.

No longer have the friend or DH.

Ledkr Wed 05-Apr-17 07:22:12

Yes a total shock but later when I looked back I saw the signs!!
I'd mistaken those signs as him just being a selfish arse but he was shagging wink

IsNotGold Wed 05-Apr-17 07:40:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bones2017 Wed 05-Apr-17 08:19:05

It was a shock to me. But yes, in hindsight my gut instinct had kicked in 4 months before. I just didn't want to believe he'd ever do it. And he managed to convince me otherwise until he'd made his decision.
We're now getting a divorce.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Apr-17 08:24:35

I knew something was going on as soon as it started happening with ExH but he denied it until I found proof 8 months later.
But it was a shock to everyone who knew us.
Happy marriage. Nothing wrong at all.
He still has no idea why he did it. Karma has been knocking at his door ever since.

Recent ExP, I knew he was capable from his history and I knew as soon as something was going on. Managed to end it about 2 months later. Not a shock at all!

painsucks Wed 05-Apr-17 09:01:03

I totally did not see it coming and was is total shock. I knew something was up a few months before but I thought that's was because we were having a hard time. We talked and things improved a great deal. He just didn't end his affair. He never hid his phone or disappeared. The affair was carried out at work or just after work. So once home and at weekends he never saw her. He would only message her when we weren't together and was all done by social media so nothing showing on his phone bill. The affair wasn't about her, it was about him. That's why he could keep it so separate. He didn't have feelings for her.

Trickycat Wed 05-Apr-17 09:07:25

Total shock. Our relationship was happy. Rarely fell out, lots of sex, laughed and talked about everything. And he seemed very against cheating. hmm

MsGameandWatch Wed 05-Apr-17 09:09:50

Here. His Dad had been unfaithful and he never stopped going on about it and expressing his disapproval and anger at how much it had hurt his Mum. Hit me like a sledgehammer when I found out that he'd been unfaithful repeatedly almost from the very beginning of the relationship.

Mollymollymandy123 Wed 05-Apr-17 15:40:59

What did come as a complete shock was the extent of it, the lies, planning & deceit. A few stolen kisses in the broom cupboard it was not!

NotJanine Wed 05-Apr-17 18:21:35

It sounds melodramatic but I think you can experience a moment where your whole belief of reality is shattered. Like the matrix.

Esoteric Wed 05-Apr-17 18:34:41

It sounds melodramatic but I think you can experience a moment where your whole belief of reality is shattered. Like the matrix.

Yep indeed-- I had to go outside , smoke 2 cigarettes one after the other and was shaking like a leaf

clumsyduck Wed 05-Apr-17 18:36:41

Not with my ex although he'd rather have me believe I was paranoid and jealous than just admit the fact he was a serial shagger . Which he obviously turned out to be .

If dp did now I think I'd abandon all hope as yes I'd be very shocked !

Underthemoonlight Wed 05-Apr-17 18:42:31

My ex had a shady past history of cheating on gfs he told me he grew up and when we had DS he would never walk out like his dad did for another woman let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree it still hit me like a ton of bricks though although subconsciously I never fully trusted him. I pity his DW I've heard he's cheated behind her back

Magpie18 Wed 05-Apr-17 18:42:34

Complete shock to me. Married over 40 years, together since we were kids & had total belief in each other - or so I thought. Very long term "affair" - 9 years, but met infrequently, between 1 & 4 times a year - always during day time (I was at work - he was early retired) and had sex in her people carrier/shag wagon within half an hour of her going to pick her daughters up from school. Loads of sexting in between though on a throwaway phone that eventually I found. I did not have a clue.

ravenmum Wed 05-Apr-17 18:54:08

I thought he was contemplating an affair - that he was tempted, and maybe having an emotional affair. It came as a shock that he was shagging away happily in a sordid pay-by-the-hour hotel and telling her he felt no remorse as I was a bitch. I thought he was better than that - that I had better taste in a partner than that! I'm not sure that he realises quite what a low opinion I have of him now. I want the kids to see their dad in a positive light, and act as if I respect him in front of them, but in reality I think he's a dirty little creep.

OllyBJolly Wed 05-Apr-17 18:57:47

Total shock. Our relationship was happy. Rarely fell out, lots of sex, laughed and talked about everything. And he seemed very against cheating

This

It sounds melodramatic but I think you can experience a moment where your whole belief of reality is shattered. Like the matrix

And this.

Might be a fairy tale, but I noticed deep ridges in my fingernails and a friend asked if I'd suffered a trauma a couple of months before. Apparently deep shock can cause these ridges.

ravenmum Wed 05-Apr-17 19:02:38

I got the fingernail ridges too. I think it was because I couldn't eat or sleep; I sometimes didn't sleep all night. And I agree: it turned over my whole idea of what was right, what was wrong, how to judge whether people were good or bad - if there is even such thing as good or bad people.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 05-Apr-17 19:06:03

Looking back, I should have been more persistent when we were talking about how unhappy he was with his career - I'd already accepted his 'low sex drive' of long standing, and I believed him when he said I was a counterbalance not a contributor to his malaise. Load of bollocks - he was looking around, and left as soon as he found someone who would reciprocate ( aka 'the love of his life' - after DCs with me).
I'll find it hard to trust again.

MsGameandWatch Wed 05-Apr-17 19:46:42

Might be a fairy tale, but I noticed deep ridges in my fingernails and a friend asked if I'd suffered a trauma a couple of months before. Apparently deep shock can cause these ridges.

😮 I had these in my thumb nails. I've only just realised.

pocketsaviour Wed 05-Apr-17 19:54:02

Might be a fairy tale, but I noticed deep ridges in my fingernails and a friend asked if I'd suffered a trauma a couple of months before. Apparently deep shock can cause these ridges.

Huh. I remember my chiropodist commenting on ridges in my toenails when I was a teenager. He said they were indicative of trauma and in my case it was spot on.

I guess your system reserves all your physical energy to preserve your essential functions and doesn't have anything spare for non-essential functions like hair growth, enamel and chitin. Kind of reassuring in a way - your body is still working its hardest to keep your alive, despite everything (and possibly despite your urgent attempts to sabotage it.)

Back to the OP question, no it's never been a shock to me. I have grown up knowing that monogamy is a social construct and is unrealistic for a majority of people. I no longer expect or offer monogamy.

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