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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Be honest... is it me?

97 replies

rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:17

I've been feeling massively taken for granted recently. Have 1 DC, 3.5yo, not married to DP, still waiting. I'm getting more and more upset and worked up by this as we had planned to marry by now, but DP just keeps saying he's not ready, however he says he wants another child!

I'm not the easiest going person and DP is the total opposite... almost horizontal. He's v old fashioned and obviously sees the housework as my domain although claims other wise, says he believes in equality but obviously begrudges doing much himself and never prioritises it. I also work part-time/ often full time as I run my own business, he works full time.

I can be difficult to live with, I can be snappy when I'm tired and hormonal, I like the house to be acceptable, tidy will do. DP doesn't worry about the house looking tidy.

Tonight, we cooked dinner between us, sat and ate as a family and just as I'd finished DS asked me to take him to the toilet. I did so and left DP in the dining room, assuming he would clear away the plates as I was seeing to DS. Afterwards, I bathed and put DS to bed whilst DP came upstairs afterwards to put up some furniture in our bedroom. After this I went into our bedroom and DP and I had sex, chatted etc. I was about to begin some work when DP announced "we still need to clear the dining room" This was 3 hours after we had eaten! I'd assumed DP had done whilst I was seeing to DS. I am not very happy and have voiced this to DP. As I wasnt clearing the table, it's like he thought " well why should I?" Even though I had gone to take DS to the toilet.

I know how tiny and petty this seems but I'm just so tired of feeling like if I don't set the wheels in motion for everything g in our household, then it just won't get done. Please don't tell me I should have asked DP to clear the table... it was painstakingly obvious. He was the last one to leave the table, I was busy, surely he should clear it? To go downstairs at 9.30 pm to begin clearing cold leftovers from the dining room table that have been sitting for 3 hours because DP left empty handed and decided to sit and please himself whilst I dealt with DS just seems so selfish to me.

Am I being petty? Is it me? I just feel so bloody taken for granted lately, but reading this back, it also sounds insignificant.

OP posts:

Report

uhoh2016 · 04/04/2017 22:26

I think it's a man thing. Sometimes they just need to be told/asked to do something before it becomes an obvious thing to do. What's common sense to some is alien to others

FritzDonovan · 04/04/2017 22:27

No, it's not you...sounds pretty much par for the course though. My OH pretty much has never done that kind of thing off his own bat. He is better at this moment in time, but that's probably more to do with the massive arguments we have been having, so he's either making a big effort, or trying to prove me wrong. Still doesn't clean up obvious mess he makes himself unless I point it out, it's left for the housework fairy...and then I'm a nag. Pisses me off no end, my standards are pretty low now because I constantly wonder what the point is.

JK1773 · 04/04/2017 22:30

Honestly it is a man thing. It probably won't have entered his head as frustrating as that is. I found with my ex I had to tell him everything I needed him to do in the house. Sometimes he would do it, others not. If I said nothing, he would do nothing. I'm not with that lazy arse any more although this issue was the very least of our problems

QuiteLikely5 · 04/04/2017 22:31

This question just depends on the man.

In your case yes he does need to be asked.

Some men just aren't psychic or intuitive so what's the harm in asking or mentioning something

rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:32

I wouldn't mind so much if they could appreciate that all these little things are done by us for them. But there's no acknowledgement of that either. If I have a day off with DS, I'm pretty sure DP assumes I'm skipping to the park to play on the swings all day, whilst he slogs away earning the money. He just has no appreciation at all. When I suggested we get a cleaner when we were both working full time during the setup of my business, he told me to ignore the cleaning as it wasn't important.
Complete ignorance.

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 04/04/2017 22:36

Dishes were the last thing on his mind op (as you said )!!

Emboo19 · 04/04/2017 22:38

I don't think it's a man thing at all!!
Maybe some men will behave like this if they think they can get away with it. But I'm pretty sure the vast majority of men, know that when a meals finished the table gets cleared!

Who ended up clearing the table Op?

QuiteLikely5 · 04/04/2017 22:40

Not the man the person then

rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:41

He did. I was too annoyed! Although I loaded the dishwasher!

OP posts:

outabout · 04/04/2017 22:42

My wife would never think to check the oil and water in the car, fix the fence or other 'DIY' activity, but could complain about a sock having missed going into the wash.
It takes all sorts.

Properjob · 04/04/2017 22:44

I'm more worried about his lack of commitment to you op. Make sure you have all assets in your name if you're not married. And really, why not get married? If he won't even go to the registry office...really, why not? I wouldn't get pregnant again if I were you.

AnyFucker · 04/04/2017 22:45

It's a selfish human being thing, not a "man thing"

Saying such things is sexist bullshit. Men have eyes in their head just like women. Just because some men decide that the shitwork that needs doing is not their responsibility does not tar all men with the same brush

Doing so implies they are stupid imbeciles who need a woman to tell them what to do

Disgusting

badhotfanny · 04/04/2017 22:46

Wow! Certainly not a 'man thing' in my house. Here there are no convenient biological excuses for being a lazy entitled twat who leaves the shitwork to others!

Fairylea · 04/04/2017 22:46

You're not being petty. My dh would have automatically done it. My first (now ex) dh wouldn't have. This and many more shitty things like this are the reason my first husband became an ex.

rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:47

But does the oil and water require changing after every journey outabout? Hardly comparable. The dining table gets cleared daily and is a task capable of even small children. Socks not making the wash is hardly comparable either when there are probably drawers full of clean ones to wear regardless.

OP posts:

badhotfanny · 04/04/2017 22:47

Hear hear ad

badhotfanny · 04/04/2017 22:48

Af

Smeaton · 04/04/2017 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2017 22:48

I often have to say ti my husband "right you're clearing" and to be fair he does, and often if I'm working late and dash off from dinner to take s call he just does it.

Oh and I check the oil and water in my own car. I do diy and if the fence needs fixing we would either do it together or get someone in.

What's that some weird man v woman job thing?

Aria2015 · 04/04/2017 22:49

Urgh this would bug me soooo much! I bath and put our lo to bed each night but I expect to come down to the living room / diner and for it to be tidy. My dh still gets a good deal because it only takes 5 mins to clear a few toys and load the dish washer. If he doesn't do it I have a whinge, thankfully it doesn't happen often! Next time, check he's cleared up before giving him sex!

rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:52

Properjob: we have had a rough time of it I guess, that's why he's reluctant to marry. But at what point do you stop trying to make it work? It's a vicious circle. No marriage causes resentment, anger and frustration, which causes arguments, which is reason for us not to get married. I don't see a way out of this vicious circle. Things are unlikely to improve without DPS commitment to me, but marriage is a big risk to take when not getting along.

OP posts:

CMamaof4 · 04/04/2017 22:52

I have a man like this, Not house trained at all, I blame his mother as her house is rank...

I am bringing up my children to clean up and keep a tidy home so they don't become like that when they are older.. And so I can feel like I can have a cup of tea round their house, I hate mess and dirt...

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WellErrr · 04/04/2017 22:52

It's not a man thing, it's a lazy sexist fucker thing.

It's also not an 'old-fashioned' thing. My dad will be older than your DP and he understands that plates need cleaning after he's eaten from them.

Emboo19 · 04/04/2017 22:53

Well he did clear it! So although I'd be a bit annoyed at the leaving it (I like the kitchen cleaning as soon as dinner is finished) that's more my issue though. I might say, I'd prefer if it's cleared away as soon as we've all finished. But I wouldn't insits on it, so long as it got done.

My boyfriend would definitely go for sex before cleaning the kitchen, if he could get away with it!

WellErrr · 04/04/2017 22:55

I have a man like this, Not house trained at all, I blame his mother

This gets right on my tits as well.

It's always the woman that gets blamed isn't it? Any situation - woman at fault.

Perhaps his dad should have set him a better example. Perhaps his dad should have taught him that houses don't clean themselves. Why not ever blame the fathers of these lazy selfish fuckers?

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