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Selfish husbands or hormones? Advice

(13 Posts)
Lilith81 Tue 04-Apr-17 20:22:10

My husbands never really been..well how do I explain? Very aware of what he says and does sometimes. Hes been coddled by his mom all his life. To the point where he would would go to work with two lots of sandwhiches..one from home,one from his mom. Ive been with him a long time and thats changed recently. Its nice because his mom gets her little chance at freedom from picking up him all the time and he gets a chance to be independent. Anyway i digress.

Hubby has always been known for stupid things he says and does that hes totally unaware of. I could do the 'woman thing' and bring up everything over the past 10 years but it would sound awful and a little outa context.

Hes always been unconfident and uncomfortable with who he is, think he was told his amazing all his young life and reached adult hood and realised that people do tend to tell you the harsh truth about your failings. Hes found that reality hard.

Hes recently lost 5 stone become a fitness obsessed person and seems to have become the worst. Hes obsessed with running, exercising and reads constantly about it. He spends miney we di t have on suppliments and stuff for weight loss etc. Hes not cheating as he just doesnt have time. I know everyone says that but i can account for every minute as we both work hard to create a good home for our children. Ive recently become pregnant with number 5. Hes happy just not like I am about it. Im mindlessley happy.

Hes just less aware of what a idiot he is when he says stuff. Mothers day he didnt get me a card off our young children, he said he can get me a present we just need to pick it up and pay for it and order it. So its in the shop. (So nothing then) he said our eldest is old enough to sort it. She 17 and autistic but did and amazing job but why should she take the weight if her other foyr siblings when its usually my hubbys duty as its mine fathers day.

He came home from work ( ive been working from home due to pregnancy being high risk) he tells me hes been looking into a break away for me and him (no kids) nice huh? I get all excited and explain that im so happy we needed this for a while.....THEN he says 'its a two day run that he will do so I wont see him but actually hes asked his mother to sit with me while its happening' dejected and depleted I nod and walk away. Hes totally oblivious and I dont want to argue or talk about it because he becomes really defensive when I ask him to do something with me and miss out on his runnning. Tbing is he wouldn't just soend money on me and him going for a romantic break but would on this....advise?

Lilith81 Tue 04-Apr-17 20:28:27

I should clarify Il be in the b&b with mom in law while he is doing his run. I may as well stay home let him go and do his own thing and enjoy the love and care of my children. Whats the point

Happybunny19 Tue 04-Apr-17 20:34:26

Definitely selfish husband. Has he got any good points? He sounds awful.

StewieGMum Tue 04-Apr-17 20:37:45

He sounds horrendous. And not clueless but making an active choice to do what he wants when he wants without caring about the consequences to you and your children.

Spending money you don't have when your partner is pregnant with your fifth child is shitty behaviour.

scottishdiem Tue 04-Apr-17 21:32:21

Well if he has always been doing this type of thing then he is selfish.

If you are only this time seeing a problem then getting down/upset about it more than you usually do then its your pregnancy hormones. Given that you have got to baby 5 without really addressing this behaviour to your satisfaction I am wondering why you think he can/should change now?

Lilith81 Tue 04-Apr-17 22:28:06

I know he sounds awful. He does have some good points I must admit. He does the cooking every night, hes very intelligent (although without a lick of sense) , hes a good dad and he'l help with the cleaning. Although he budgets household bills but my thought is he he does that just to moan at me about money, again whilst spending money on diet / exercise stuff.

You are right he is making an active choice to spend this money but I suppose I just then feel bad that its his hobby and when we do get into a row about it all I hear at the moment is 'its your hormones'
I refuse to believe its just that though.

I earn more money than he does I always have, even though he has the capacity to earn more as hes extremely over qualified for what he does, he has stayed in his job even though his pay is half my salary. But he enjoys it so I think I shouldn't push (believe me I have tried in the past) I am preparing to go on maternity leave and with the added pressure money etc I know he'l get worst. He cant take stress or pressure. Sometimes he is like an immature baby and I'm replacing his mother.

Scottishdiem, you do make a good and fair point, I have this argument with myself all the time. I do know and have always known how he is, but the good points he has always outweighed the bad points but now they seem to be on an even keel and with this I'm struggling.

UpYerGansey Tue 04-Apr-17 22:54:58

He sounds pretty selfish to me.

noego Tue 04-Apr-17 23:04:47

Get him dressed in his running gear, point him down the path and say to him, "keep running, don't stop." Forest Gump style.

Lilith81 Wed 05-Apr-17 08:27:24

This was his text reply this morning...

What's the fucking point. I'm not getting into this because I've had enough of every argument you saying I run too much. Yea twice a week and then i do weights everyday for two hours. I can't be healthy because it upsets you. You'd prefer me to die earlier. I pointed out straight away I'd seen a run so you couldn't have got 'excited' if this is what your after all day we will just continue not to talk because I think you've been childish enough to ignore me yesterday and then start this morning. I always encourage you to do things you like to do. I just wish sometimes it was the other way around and not yea go do it John in front of people and we'll row about it later.

I'm not mad cus it's about a run. I'm mad because you always turn my hobbies into an argument that I don't spend enough time and effort with the family. Yea I've made some mistakes that I've held my hands up to. Others are mistakes you have decided are mistakes. I saw a challenge that I want to do and once again you have changed my words so don't quote them. I'm sick of you doing that to validate your point. This is all I've got to say. I will not be responding on the subject any more. If you want to continue that's up to you.

fc301 Wed 05-Apr-17 08:45:18

There's not a word in there about your feelings, nor any attempt at compromise. It's a pretty shitty way to speak to a partner.
Either you have been unfair to him. More likely he is emotionally abusing you.
Since you earn double what he does & have borne 5 children (nearly) it's hard to see what exactly he's bringing to the table (except a few meals!).
BTW do you get to have any expensive, time-consuming hobbies??...

Happybunny19 Wed 05-Apr-17 09:17:45

Personally if I received that message I would be seething.

If you earn more than him then you're subsidising his hobby (which is running, so free). I would transfer only enough money to your household account to cover your bills and retain any surplus in an account in your name.

I feel sorry for you trying to bring up 6 children. He's behaving like the spoilt child you described earlier.

LookAtTheFlowersKerry Wed 05-Apr-17 09:21:22

You earn the money but he holds the purse strings? Fuck that shit.

NotTheFordType Wed 05-Apr-17 09:23:56

Not being funny OP but why have you had so many children with a man who still takes a packed lunch off his mummy every day?

If I was you I'd just bin him off, you're doing everything yourself anyway so what's the point of him?

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