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Constantly think about my affair partner.

(31 Posts)
dawnhere Tue 04-Apr-17 18:50:28

Married for 17 years, together 20 and two kids. Around fall of last year I found but myself in an affair with a coworker of mine. Fell hard for him, it was emotional for awhile and then became physical. The passion in all aspects of our affair made me feel wonderful and I was in my own little bubble. Felt absolutely in love with the man and became obsessive about him. I resented his wife.

Our affair lasted from October-Early March. Husband accused me of having an affair with the man and I got angry with him telling him how dare me accuse me of such a thing etc. He then hired a private eye and I was caught pretty much red handed while with my AP. I broke it off with him. I am attempting to do what I can to earn the trust back of my husband. We are in counseling and I'm in my own individual counseling.

The problem is I constantly think about the other man, days I wish I was just in his arms. Some days I can't stand the thought of him and feel so disgusted for what I've done. I want these feelings to stop, I don't want to throw away this chance my husband has given me and I can't even imagine how bad he feels. Of course I don't let him know this, but I want it to stop. I'm pining for him hard and it's only getting worse but I don't want these feelings for him anymore.

I feel like a girl in high school who has just lost the love of her life and it's not healthy for me, when will I stop having these intense feelings about the other man?

Arealhumanbeing Tue 04-Apr-17 19:12:19

Are you sure you still want to be in your marriage? Clearly, having begun counselling your husband wants to forgive you and move forward. Do you?

Your feelings for the other man sound very strong. Does he feel the same way?

Esoteric Tue 04-Apr-17 19:27:31

Does the other guys wife know?

Chipshopninja Tue 04-Apr-17 19:48:40

I have a very similar problem. I want to give my relationship another chance but keep thinking about the other man.

No advice but offering sympathy for both you and your oh.

It's a shitty situation to be in

User75478973479 Tue 04-Apr-17 20:19:08

Why do you want to move forward with your Husband? Is it because you want to or because you have kids?

The feelings will go away but it takes time. You are very lucky your husband wants to try again. You will only ever know how he feels if he does it to you.

I would warn you though that my dad found out about an affair my mum had and while he stayed, it was never the same. It became very toxic especially when us kids had left and she was much older and to a degree more reliant on him.

Everstrong Tue 04-Apr-17 20:59:06

Are you thinking of your AP because he is the "forbidden fruit" so to speak?

I bet if he came to you today and said dawn let's be together you'd tell him where to go (and if you wouldn't you already have an answer about the state of your marriage).

Think about it, do you really want to be with a man who willingly chases a married woman? Will you ever be secure if you were with him or will you be worried every time he goes out for a pint of milk that he's off doing the dirty?

You need to turn him from object of your affection to object if your disgust. Start by making a list of all his bad qualities, then each time you think of him focus more and more intently on his bad qualities. Eventually each time you think of him he will be associated only with bad things. oh and block/delete him completely if you haven't already

RedComet Tue 04-Apr-17 21:34:13

Been in a similar situation. Met an OM via swimming club. Started out as friends. We just clicked. After a few months I realised a had feelings for OM and the friendship became too close for comfort. I felt like I was 15 again. At the time I decided to go NC with OM. Gave up swimming and invested all my energy in to fixing my 18 year old marriage. Unfortunately it didn't work out and we split about 2 years later. I have never been physical with OM but definitely came close to an EA. in hindsight I think that the attraction I felt for OM was a symptom that my marriage was already in trouble. Perhaps it is worth investigating how you feel about your relationship taking the OM out of the occasion. I hope all works out for you. flowers

bullyhfc Tue 04-Apr-17 23:45:47

funny how it's (seems) ok for women to have affairs.

ShatnersWig Tue 04-Apr-17 23:54:35

Quite, bully.

SparklyMagpie Wed 05-Apr-17 00:04:51

Why the fuck do you want to carry on with your husband?

I'd bin you right off if I was him.

You don't seem to give the slightest shit over what you've done. I wouldn't want you near me! Yuk!

TrippyMcTrapFace Wed 05-Apr-17 00:38:58

bully, I hear what you're saying but I really don't think the responses so far are typical of MN.

And yea, what Sparkly said. OP, there are places more suited to discussing your situation than MN. As the thread develops you'll find you have little sympathy (rightly IMO) here.

bullyhfc Wed 05-Apr-17 01:00:06

I was surprised at the responses to be honest, trippy.

"found myself in an affair" totally brilliant. Like finding yourself in a traffic jam!!!!

bathmatandbin Wed 05-Apr-17 01:37:04

no one here will say this because the convention predicts that you are a bitch for fucking up your relationship....but sometimes humans seek comfort because they are not getting it with their partners....it should make you think, but it doesn't make you terrible and it isn't irreconcilable. Make a choice, do it in the most honourable way possible and don't make it a drama. Be the best person you can be in the situation you're in xx

dawnhere Wed 05-Apr-17 01:43:02

The last thing I am looking for is sympathy, what I have done is no short of vile and cruel. I gave myself emotionally and physically to another man and allowed myself to fall in love with him. My husband has nothing to do with my cheating. I chose this destructive path, and it's my job to attempt to dig us out. He has chosen to give me another chance and I want to show my gratitude not just say it.

I don't want OM. I want to stop thinking about and I want him to be a distant memory but I'm afraid that won't ever be the case. Hopefully this passes soon.

bathmatandbin Wed 05-Apr-17 02:06:12

time will pass and you will adjust...dont be cruel about and to yourself. You have made a mistake, you own it and you will move on. Be kind to yourself xxx

BillMasen Wed 05-Apr-17 13:55:45

"Found myself in an affair". Bullshit, you chose to

And then here we go with "sympathy" and "hope it all works out". FFS

I agree that sometimes an acknowledgement of the reasons for affairs is needed, but it's only ever done on threads where the woman has the affair, never when it's the man.

user1479305498 Wed 05-Apr-17 14:02:36

well my husband told me 4 months ago that he just wanted to forget about what he did as it was 11 years ago--sadly I found evidence 4 months ago that I didnt have before and Im afraid I am finding it very hard to "just forget and move on" The problem is these things have a habit of being brought up again years down the line if things get a bit tough etc-- so he may well forgive you now but doesnt mean it wont be there as a "crack" in the vase for future--so you have to be prepared for that--and you cant really blame DH.

Huskylover1 Wed 05-Apr-17 14:10:38

What you did was very wrong, however, we are all human and make mistakes. Tbh, I think life is too short, and if you really do love the OM, I would exit the marriage and see what happens when you are single. Your OM may leave his wife too. I doubt it, but even if he doesn't you will be free to fall head over heels with someone else. Whatever you had with your DH, has sailed imo.

croquetas Wed 05-Apr-17 15:31:19

Hope his wife finds out. Vile!

GutInstinct Wed 05-Apr-17 16:05:47

Very easy to throw accusations and to flame someone when you see the world in black and white. Thing is the world is rarely black and white and affairs happen, not just to women, I would take the same view if it were a man.

OP, firstly you did not "find yourself in an affair," you did choose the path you took. However it is likely that something in the marriage led you down the path of becoming closer to someone else. Only by recognising what it was that was missing in the marriage will you come anywhere near to being able to resolve things in the future, and that's assuming your husband is willing to give you a second chance.

But you also need to be honest with yourself and with him about whether you actually want to stay in your marriage. If you stay it should be because you realise that you love your husband and want your marriage to work, not because you feel you owe him a debt of gratitude or because you think it will be better for the kids.

In my case my husband had spent years isolating me from friends and family, making me doubt myself, convincing me that I was worthless and that nobody would want to be friends with me, He made it impossible for me to go back to work after I had DC, and eventually moved us hundreds of miles away from any support network to ensure that I had no friends nearby.

If I went out he had me followed. He installed key loggers on my computer, bugged the house, used to threaten to kill my animals, gaslighted me into thinking that he knew my every move, accused me of having sex with people because I was apparently having sex with them in my sleep so it must be happening in RL.

I met someone online through social media through a mutual interest and we started talking. Things developed quickly into an emotional affair although I was fairly oblivious TBH because I had spent so long being told that only he would ever love me that I didn't think it was possible. I realised that I was getting closer to this OM but I wasn't prepared for when he told me he had feelings for me, but he did.

Eventually we met up, just once, and slept together. I honestly believed that I was in love with him and him with me, and after we slept together I never had sex with my husband again, which was probably how things unravelled so quickly. Anyway I decided that regardless of what happened with OM I couldn't stay in my marriage any longer and so I told my husband that it was over. OM ended the affair not long afterwards and my husband would have taken me back at that point, but I knew by then that my life needed to change drastically, so I pressed on and ended the marriage anyway.

OM got back in touch a couple of weeks later, promised me the earth, that he loved me and wanted us to be together as soon as the divorce came through. I thought he was the one and couldn't live without him but he actually got together with someone else in the meantime even though he kept promising me the earth.

Eventually I met my now partner and at that point I told OM that we couldn't even be friends any more, I deleted his number, all his contact details, anything relating to him including emails, texts etc and I haven't spoken to him now for nearly five years.

In the beginning it's hard. You think you've lost the love of your life, not least because of what you've put on the line to be with them. But the truth is that you've lost the life you thought you had and have traded it for one you need to build again from scratch.

But the less you hear from that person the less you care. Time changes everything. I could bump into OM now in the street and it wouldn't do anything for me.

But I can say with absolute certainty that I would never, ever have another affair, because regardless of my marriage an affair is not the way to end things.

You need to ask yourself whether you want to make your marriage work, whether you love your DH and don't want to lose him, and if so then you need to go to counselling to work out the issues, both for yourself and within the marriage.

And for anyone who says that you and you alone need to put in the work, that's not true. OP and OP alone is responsible for having had the affair. But there are many factors in a marriage which lead to affairs happening, and if they are not addressed at the time the likelihood is that another affair will happen in the future or the marriage will end anyway.

But if you don't love your husband and don't want to work on your marriage then don't be afraid to walk away. Someone said to me not long after I split from my DH that it was a shame me and OM weren't together because at least the split would have had a reason then. I said that it did have a reason, that I was now free to be in a better place.

Adora10 Wed 05-Apr-17 16:12:18

Really pisses me off on here that women get sympathy when they cheat but men on here don't; double standards, you can't be so hypocritical.

OP, you sound bloody awful and I really pity your poor husband stuck with a horrible person like you as a wife; who even now after being caught out is still pining for a man that effectively is shagging his wife; you don't even sound in the least bit mortified; you are actually pretty disgusting for not only what you have done but then to come on here with your self pity party cos you just lurvvvve him and resent his wife lol, honestly people like you are not even worth offering advice to.

GutInstinct Wed 05-Apr-17 16:31:08

While I don't think that anyone who has an affair is deserving of sympathy neither is it necessarily fair to categorically state that anyone who has an affair is a vile person and their partner is automatically an innocent victim.

My ex now abuses and gaslights his new partner in the same way he did with me, yet the relationship breakdown is all my fault apparently. By having an affair he has been absolved of any wrongdoing in the relationship ever. All the emotional abuse, all the threats, they might as well never have happened.

And the fact is that society is not supportive of anyone wanting to leave a relationship for any reason. If a woman comes on here saying that her partner has left because he doesn't love her he is branded a cunt. Affair, no affair, makes no difference, but if there's no other party involved then things should always be fixable.

I was told by family that the only legitimate reason for leaving a marriage should be an affair or physical violence. No other reason was acceptable, so he was right to leave me but I would never have been ok to have left him because of his emotional abuse.

Perhaps if society was more accepting of the fact that relationships do break down, that people do fall out of love, that emotional abuse is real, and that it's ok to end a relationship for any reason you want then perhaps people wouldn't have so many affairs and there wouldn't be so much hurt at the end of the day.

If the OP wants to work on her marriage then she needs to commit to doing that. However this OM was recent. It is logical that she will still think of him especially as issues might be being brought to the fore within the marriage. And this is why she's come on here to talk about it rather than admitting that to her DH.

If she wants to fix the marriage then she needs to cut all contact with the OM, and in time those feelings will go away especially as the feelings for her husband re-surface.

But this is one of the reasons why it takes so long for a marriage to recover from an affair. The cheated-on party needs to re-find the trust, and the cheater needs to distance themselves from the OM/OW and to become transparent as well as to earn back the trust and they both need to resolve any underling issues in the marriage.

And it does need to be recognised if there are underlying issues because if it becomes a one-sided blame game then it's just a plaster and not a resolution.

user1479305498 Wed 05-Apr-17 16:32:29

I have been on both sides of this. In my first marriage I had an affair, the guy wasnt married. I was unhappy, EXH was a good father but a selfish husband who really wanted to be single I felt. We were both in our 20s . Im not proud of myself, to be honest I wanted a "reason" to leave and whilst the affair didnt break my marriage , my husband never seemed that upset and it did show me that I needed to leave, so i did.--but not for another person.

This time Im the one who has been crapped on to some extent. Although i know I did nothing to warrant it at all (and H has said this) I do now know I would never ever have an affair again , if unhappy I would just leave. It is truly awful if you believe you have a good relationship.

Adora10 Wed 05-Apr-17 16:39:08

When your first sentence of your post reads, found myself in an affair then I pretty much switch off on the advice.

I don't believe it takes having an affair for you to realise your marriage is crap or dead, you already know that, you just use the situation as an excuse to have a bit rumpy bumpy with someone else, anyone by the sounds of it that shows any interest rather than face up to what you have to do; affairs take a lot of planning; they are no mistake.

dawnhere Wed 05-Apr-17 19:55:07

I can see why that would turn some people off. My marriage personally was missing intimacy, and instead of facing our issues like a kind and caring spouse I had an affair. It's cruel and vile.

There wasn't planning, although there was a mutual attraction. We texted and confided in each other about work and our marriages. At this point I was already having an EA but tried to deny it to myself. He confessed his feelings for me, I told him we had to end this flirtation.

It didn't last long, as in a few days later it turned into a physical affair. Which only make the affair much more intense. I had this affair and it's completely my fault, I can't believe how I let myself be so vulnerable to another mans attention. It's my fault and that's why I need to fix it.

I hate that I still pine for him, I sincerely want these feelings to go away forever and I know time will help. His wife is aware and exposed me far and wide which is completely understandable.

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