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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My husbands left do I got straight for divorce

39 replies

Sammymickyvicky · 04/04/2017 16:11

My husband left me a week ago after 12 years together 9 of which we were married. We have 3 children together. He tells me he no longer has feelings or loves me because he doesn't feel we have anything on common anymore and I'm 2 bossy for him. But then he says he still fancy's me. So confusing. 🤔He said he will try and see if his feelings change by going on date nights and that! But I don't no if I can actually do it I'm heart broken enough as it is but can someone really fall back in love with you? Or should I just go straight in to getting a divorce??

OP posts:

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Hermonie2016 · 04/04/2017 16:17

Where is he living? I would certainly get legal advice before doing or saying anything to him.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, sadly not uncommon and often caused by having his head turned.

Get yourself support as you will be on a rollercoaster of emotions

Jessesbitch · 04/04/2017 16:19

Sounds like hes hedging his bets between you and OW.

Sammymickyvicky · 04/04/2017 16:20

His staying with his grandma at the moment. He keeps telling me his gonna try and fall back in love. But is it really that easy? And how can he say he fancies me but don't wanna be here with our 3 beautiful children.
My mum is being fab but I feel I need to sort a divorce. Were is the best place for advice and thank you for your help.

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Semaphorically · 04/04/2017 16:22

I agree with Jesse. What a horrible thing to happen, you must be reeling

Just in case things continue to fall apart, you should collect together financial and personal paperwork and important documents and keep it all somewhere safe. Do you have a joint bank account?

Sammymickyvicky · 04/04/2017 16:46

I think I'd find it easier if there was another woman least I would know were I stand.
I've started doing all that and claimed whatever benefits I can till my youngest starts school in September.
No we don't have a joint account thank god. It he has the car and I'm so lost without one.

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Roanoke · 04/04/2017 17:12

So he doesn't want the hassle of home life and kids but still wants 'date nights'. Right.

Yeah, go for divorce. Sounds like a twat and it'll be a nice comeuppance for him when he sees that you don't give a shit, now that he's gone. He can fuck up whatever grass-is-greener scenario he's got going on, and you will be strong enough to say no when he comes crawling back.

Nomoreworkathome · 04/04/2017 17:32

If he doesn't have any feelings for you and doesn't love you anymore then I would go for the divorce. Cant see how a few date nights can fox that.
Strange post Roanoke. People can and do fall out of love and leave marriages. Men and women.

blackteasplease · 04/04/2017 17:39

Go for a divorce

He wants his cake and eat it, doesnt he?

noego · 04/04/2017 17:44

Sit tight. If he wants a divorce let him make the move and pay for it. He'll have to come up with unreasonable behaviours which could be interesting for you.
Meanwhile, get your ducks in a row. Go dating, Enjoy life, your free to do the same as him. If he questions it, tell him life is to short to fuck about :)

Bones2017 · 04/04/2017 18:24

Sammy this reeks of an OW. Men don't leave unless they have something in the pipe line. Have there been ANY other signs??

Sammymickyvicky · 04/04/2017 18:52

His been off for a few weeks it made me question him last week when he then said he doesn't love me and left. My kids are struggling so am I. I'd love to go out on dates but I wouldn't know were to start! I hope he will change his mind but I'm living in hope and that hurts more. I'd love to see what he would put on the divorce papers it make good reading as he says I'm bossy and that.

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Semaphorically · 05/04/2017 08:20

Are you angry at him?

Bananamanfan · 05/04/2017 08:26

Am i alone in thinking that this idea of "falling out of love" is really childish & fanciful? Love (for me) is all about how you act in relation to each other. If he fancies you & you treat each other with respect that's love. I agree it sounds like there is someone else involved.

Sammymickyvicky · 05/04/2017 10:16

I wanna hate him but I can't seem to and it makes me more angry. His hurt me so much but I can't seem to be angry at him. I agree that's how I see love too. I do feel sometimes maybe there is another woman but he keeps telling me I'm wrong.

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CharlotteCollins · 05/04/2017 11:02

Feelings aren't everything. You seem to be thinking straight: not knowing if you have a future together or not makes it too difficult to move on. Therefore, as you say, you make the decision to end it. He's acting like it's totally up to him!

If you're not totally sure or you want to let the dust settle a bit first, you could also just tell him it's over for now. Tell him you're not interested in taking him back. You're worth more than being with someone who is not sure if they love you.

CharlotteCollins · 05/04/2017 11:03

Sorry, someone who is quite sure they don't love you!

HellonHeels · 05/04/2017 11:12

Why has he got the car? Surely you need it for the children's activities, family shopping etc?

Get it back from him?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/04/2017 11:13

Sorry but this is the cheaters script to a 'T'
They all deny it so they won't look like the bad guy.
As a PP says - he wants his cake and eat it too.
Do not do the pick me dance.
He won't understand loss until it happens to him.
What is the current arrangement with the DC?
Don't let him come to yours for access.

arsenaltilidie · 05/04/2017 11:19

Of course there is another woman!

Meet him face to face and tell him you want to see his phone.

herwegoagain123 · 05/04/2017 11:47

Of course there's another woman.
Stop believing his bulllshit about dates. Don't do it.
This happened to my friend and he lived with his mum after leaving but still strun g her along.
The reality was OW and he was saving up for a year to be with her.
Friend was blindsided though it was obvious to everyone else.
In the meantime have his post redirected as otherwise he will say he was still living with you.
My friend had to pay back 7000 back family credits.
You are being played.

herwegoagain123 · 05/04/2017 11:50

The only way to win is for you to take control and don't do the pick me dance.
Tell him the marriage is over its the only way you can come out of this with integrity.
Let him feel what he's losing. He is being a deceptive coward.

herwegoagain123 · 05/04/2017 11:52

The date nights thing was a mere morsel because he feels bad about himself for what he's doing.

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ohfourfoxache · 05/04/2017 12:05

If your gut feeling is that there is an OW then unfortunately there is likely to be. I'm so sorry, but trust your instincts- they are there for a reason.

As for wanting to go on dates - wtf? So he doesn't want the responsibility of marriage and dc (which I assume he agreed to) but wants to keep you dangling?

Seriously, fuck that.

Go straight for a divorce if you feel able to

Sammymickyvicky · 05/04/2017 12:27

The car is all in his name unfortunately. I've started making plans to move home. I think you are all right about how he doesn't want the responsibility of being with me and our DC it's them I need to protect now.

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Jessesbitch · 05/04/2017 13:00

Are you in rented? Has he seen the children at all?

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