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Scared of my father. PLS help!

(13 Posts)
Zo94 Tue 04-Apr-17 11:54:16

Hi,
I don't even know how to start... so my relationship was always troubled with my father he wasn't particularly interested in me, he payed for my education, we travelled a lot etc. so what I'm trying to say is he was there financially but never emotionally. He started drinking I can't even remember when.. long ago.. grew more and more distant.. he also had a relationship outside his marriage for over 5 years (he kept it a secret until Mum foubd out).. I always tried to tell him he was drinking too much and it's bad for his health but he was in denial.
One time we went to Italy together and he was hardcore drinking with his friend. On the way back to our apartment he acted very aggressive towards us, I tried to stay with him because i felt something bad is about to happen and I didn't want him to hurt my Mum especially bc she's sick. So we reached our apartment and we went upstairs to our rooms.. he had the key but couldn't open the door bc he kept on putting the wrong key in it. I tried to help and took the key from him so he started to beat the s* out of me. My face was bruised, my eye was blood shut, my lips were split and bleeding. I was in shock. I've never seen this side of him. I was devastated. Next morning he said he doesn't remember anything but he apologised. It was not the first time he was acting aggressive and hit me but this was more than that. I couldn't forgive him since.. Not long after I even left the counrty and started my own family. I have a 5 months old and we're about to visit them. I am scared. I don't want him to get upset by my baby crying or anything else. If my baby would get hurt I could never forgive myself. I want to help my father overcome his drinking but he's still in denial and the last thing I want to do is fight with him.
All advices are welcome but please be nice. Thank you.

Jaysis Tue 04-Apr-17 12:08:37

You cant control it. He alone can sort out his drinking and until he wants to do that, all your efforts are for naught. Nothing you do will help.

Don't bring your baby into the house of an abusive alcoholic - why would you even consider that? What if he knocks you the fuck out on the visit or worse? What happens to your baby then? Or if your baby gets a thump for crying as babies tend to do?

FFS don't visit.

Wolfiefan Tue 04-Apr-17 12:11:35

Don't visit. If and when he sobers up and realises what a shit he's been then maybe consider it
You can't help him. You can support and addict who is trying to help themselves but until he reaches that point you can only stay away and keep yourself and your baby safe.
So sorry this has happened to youOP.

xStefx Tue 04-Apr-17 12:13:22

I would not be visiting without your partner there for support. To be honest I don't think I would take my baby to a house where I was scared of the occupant (parent or not)Can you call ahead and say that you will not hesitate to call the police if he so much as raises his voice and frightens you>
You are a parent , your job is to protect even if its laying down the law to your father. I wouldn't go , and I would tell him why. If you must visit can you visit early morning so you know he wont be drunk?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 04-Apr-17 12:13:45

Why are you visiting?
If he is too abusive and aggressive for you then he certainly is for a 5 month old baby.
I understand you probably want to see your mum????
But could she visit you without your dad?
You will have a horrible time, treading on egg shells, trying to appease your dad the whole time so he doesn't 'kick off'
Why would you put yourself in that situation?
Cancel it.

Naicehamshop Tue 04-Apr-17 13:04:48

Visiting this man is not a good idea at the moment. Put your baby first in this situation.

RatherBeRiding Tue 04-Apr-17 13:24:39

The good news is that you don't have to visit. You don't have to see him at all - which would be best given his aggression.

His drinking is his responsibility. YOUR responsibility is to your child, your partner and yourself.

If not visiting means you don't get to see your Mum then you must explain to her why you won't visit and then it is up to her to arrange to see you without him.

It's hard to stop feeling responsible for your parents, especially when you've been conditioned to accept such a dysfunctional relationship over the years, but just do it. Say - I won't put up with this. I won't visit. What will actually happen if you tell your father you're not prepared to visit because of his drinking? He'll rant and rave - but you don't have to listen. Put the phone down on him. Ignore texts and emails. You're an adult now, and your life is your own.

AgentProvocateur Tue 04-Apr-17 13:28:13

I wouldn't be taking a baby and staying with a violent, unpredictable alcoholic. I presume you want to see your mum though. Can you pay for her to come and stay with you instead?

blackteasplease Tue 04-Apr-17 13:46:17

Do not go and visit. Do not take your baby there.

Zo94 Tue 04-Apr-17 14:34:47

Thanks for the replies. Yes you guys are right, I would love to see my Mum, cousins, uncle, grandparents especially my Nana who's been really sick lately and in intensive care for months. I didn't mention but I'd go with my partner. We could possibly stay in a hotel but I just feel like I would really upset them.. especially my Mum... but it's true my baby is my no1 priority atm I just don't want any conflict.

Bingandthesky Tue 04-Apr-17 14:37:51

Oh my gosh. Op how old was you when this happened?
Is he still living with your mum?

OnTheRise Tue 04-Apr-17 17:57:41

If you have to visit, then do NOT stay with him. Stay in a hotel, don't tell them where, and rent a car so that if you do visit their house you have an immediate escape route. At the first sign of him kicking off get out of there.

You don't even have to tell him you're going to be there. It doesn't matter if he would be upset if you stay elsewhere: what matters is that you're all safe.

SingingSilver Tue 04-Apr-17 19:25:44

Tell them you'll stay in a hotel because the baby isn't always settled at night and you don't want to disturb their sleep?

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