DH and I have been married for 13 years. For almost the last ten years, DH has had trouble with erectile dysfunction. We are in our 30s so it's not age related. DH is not overweight and is very fit so I don't think it will improve by improving general health. I'm fairly certain that it's psychological but I am concerned that DH should get checked out in case he has an underlying health problem.
All this time, DH has refused to see the GP. He has bought viagra and herbal remedies which have worked but it kills the spontaneity and is very expensive. I also don't think that he is treating the underlying issue.
I am trying really hard to not make this about me. But, if I'm honest, I'm struggling now. I've been so patient and tried to support him without pressuring him by telling my him how I really feel about it.
I question whether he really wants to have sex with me at all. I wonder if he doesn't find me attractive any more or doesn't like having sex with me. I feel very hurt that he is too proud to get help. I understand that it's incredibly difficult to go and seek help but it's affecting our marriage. I'm not a head-in-the-sand type of person and, after ten years, I'm struggling to be understanding.
I feel like I'm being a selfish bitch. But, I know how much this means to him as well and how happy he would be to not have any performance anxiety.
So, do I try and convince him? If I do, how do I do it?
OK here goes..I'm a man, who has suffered from the same. Like me it sounds like your husbands problem is physiological. For me it started in my teenage years and I wasn't very self confident, never had many sexual partners up until I married some 25 years ago, I discovered how great sex could be and lost any anxiety I had.
Then one day after about 10 years, I just couldn't maintain an erection and all of those anxieties came flooding back, it then became a vicious circle of will it happen again etc. I suffered with this for about 15 years, I would say in total it only happened about a dozen times, but it was enough to make my life full of anxiety and frustration. I wouldn't go to my GP either, its a man/pride thing I'm afraid. Trust me your frustration is understandable, but the feeling of uselessness and failure that your DH is feeling right now is horrible. He's a bloke right? all men just want sex all the time don't they? For some men it isn't that simple.
Something that helped me was taking the pressure of having sex. Get intimate but all means, maybe suggest an evening together just kissing, cuddling and tell your husband you aren't going to have sex..its just a kissing, touching and cuddling session...but NO SEX!
Things may well 'Happen' and your DH may get an erection, but the idea of the session is to just relax and be happy with the fact he's aroused, but there is no pressure on him to DTD. The idea is that he just relaxes and enjoys the feeling of closeness and intimacy. Not having sex means that he will look forward to your next session of the same...then maybe you can build to other things and ultimately sex.
I feel for you both, it's horrible...but you can get through this.