Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Suspicion - wwyd

(14 Posts)
lasttimeround Tue 04-Apr-17 07:42:08

I'm not sure if I have a gut feeling or if I've been reading too many cheating bastard threads on here. But..

My husband has a colleague he likes very much. That's fine. We both have opposite sex friends but generally these pre-date our relationship and I feel those are all clearly friendships.

But there's this colleague. I noticed they commented etc a lot on each other. He likes her, he talks about her. I like her too tbh shes my kind of person. But it made me uncomfortable enough that a few weeks ago I told him I felt insecure about this. He was adamant there's nothing going on and was a bit dismissive initially. But after we we talked about it we agreed the last thing we need is an affair/to break up and that this relationship was an unnecessary opening to that. We both think that in LTRs you need to be careful not to create opportunities to stray. Anyway we agreed and he stopped liking and commenting all her stuff and after a bit she followed suit. All fine.
Then yesterday he let's me know he's paid some money to a charity this woman had promoted from our joint account. We tend to inform each other of unusual spending on the joint account. We also each havd our own account and he would easily have had enough money in their for a donation if it was a secret.

His phone is locked. Always. He's very security conscious and always has been. I asked once in the throws of depression to have a look and he unlocked it and handed in over. Now I'm wondering if he anticipated I'd ask and therefore deleted things. He deletes texts.

Argh I don't know where this has come from but I want to have a look through his things and make sure. But that's awful isn't it? Wwyd

TheNaze73 Tue 04-Apr-17 07:45:49

You've got to with your gut instinct. Readinh what you've written, appears like dramatics over nothing however, if your gut is saying something, listen.

lasttimeround Tue 04-Apr-17 08:45:31

I agree on following gut instinct but I just don't quite know what gut is telling me.

lasttimeround Tue 04-Apr-17 08:48:10

Just read back. By liking and commenting I mean on Facebook. It irritated me that they were constantly liking etc each others posts. I have something on that shows me everyone he posts on fb. I think cos he's my husband.

lasttimeround Tue 04-Apr-17 08:51:55

He also mentions her here and there. I didn't ask him to stop being in contact just to dial it back a bit. So there's no deal breaking in him responding to the donation request.

BeachysSnowyWellieBoots Tue 04-Apr-17 09:03:25

He has dialled it back a bit, which is what you wanted. He may have agreed to sponsor her a couple of weeks ago and thought he better follow through. He may have thought it was more transparent to pay it from the joint account.

I think you may need to talk some more to either give yourself more comfort or find out more information about how he is with her now.

lasttimeround Tue 04-Apr-17 09:22:04

I agree he's done what I asked and I'm fine about the donation. Something is bothering me tho snd I can't put my finger on it. I'm at work now but check back later. I need to work out what I need to do to set this to rest

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 04-Apr-17 09:30:58

I'm not sure he's doing anything wrong to be honest.

I think you sound very insecure.

And I'm not sure you will believe anything he says.

MimiSunshine Tue 04-Apr-17 09:35:37

I think what's bothering you is that now he's done what you've asked you are wondering if you've just pushed "it" underground.

Ultimately I think he sounds committed to you but you don't trust him now and you both need to work on why that is as you can't live in a state of paranoia or constantly check his phone. That will destroy your relationship quicker than a few Facebook likes

JustMumNowNotMe Tue 04-Apr-17 09:40:44

What do you mean you have something on that shows you everything he posts?! As in an app that tracks his Facebook activity?! shock

OP, I mean this kindly. You sound very insecure. Has he done anything in the past to make you suspect him like this?

He's scaled back his friendship with her- which is surprising as if DP asked me to do this i would be apalled and disappointed that he would equate friendly sharing on Facebook etc as inappropriate- what more would you like him to do?

lasttimeround Tue 04-Apr-17 11:14:48

No its not an app tracking him. I get notifications on fb about him. I'm not really sure why it's set up that way.

user1479305498 Tue 04-Apr-17 11:24:59

My DH has this too, he knows everything Ive liked or posted or commented on . Strangely I cant see the same with him, not sure setup wise why he can and I cant. If anyone could enlighten me as I actually find it a bit creepy

PamDooveOrangeJoof Tue 04-Apr-17 11:59:09

I hear you. I would say trust your gut and it is not exactly reassuring that he agreed it was an 'opening to affair which is the last thing we need ' as in your op.
Which of course is completely different to him saying he was not interested in her at all - just friends and totally not attracted to her.
As he didn't dismiss it out of hand entirely I would say that's probably what's setting your spidey senses tingling. He was being honest but not massively reassuring

lasttimeround Tue 04-Apr-17 13:22:13

I've had a think about this and realised something probably off but here goes.
This woman is (to me) an awful lot like me before our child was born. That's why I feel jealous.
To add some context we live in a very difficult situation as our child is very severely disabled and my husband was diagnosed with a serious life limiting condition a year after her birth. We are often very tired and sometimes sad. Our situation means we have conversations about our relationship the way most couples probably don't. Most parents in our situation separate - even though that doesn't really solve anything but the sheer work of caring for a child like ours pushes many couples to the limits. It's not very romantic but we often talk very honestly and practically about what we can do to help us weather our circumstances.
We do quite well overall but obviously our lives and our relationship don't look like what we'd hoped for. We still get in really well - when we have the chance and talk more than most about the love but dlso the effort and commitment we have to each other and our little family.
I think reading too many posts on here about cheating husbands with locked phones got me a bit paranoid. As have a couple of separations among our friends in the last year. Made me worry cos I'd like us to last. I think its easy when life is hard to get your head turned by something new and exciting. His locked phone made me wonder if there's something I should know about but I think it's just his habits. He's always locked his phone. Hes also totally anal about his house keys, wallet and his wedding ring.
I don't think there was or is anything untoward going on. And his reassurance was there when I asked. It was me who said an affair is the last thing we need not him. Sorry I put that down a bit wrong.
I think she gets under my skin because there are some similarities and sometimes I yearn to be the way I was before our lives changed so much. Ive had to make sacrifices both professionally and personally. What happened to us imploded our lives and we wont ever get that back.
I'm not usually insecure which is why I was really wondering sbout this woman. But I think I sometimes wish I was her. (Or just what I think she's like! )
Anyway this sounds like I'm wierdo of the month and maybe I am. But I feel I figured out my nigglely feeling.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now