Friendship advice(6 Posts)
I'm looking for some advice re a somewhat tricky friendship situation.
I have been friends with this person since uni days. To be honest I went though periods of finding her pretty annoying then. We def have different values as to what's important in life and I wondered then if she was a bit of a time & place friend - you know the type, won't last past uni. She's also fairly openly judgemental, will make it pretty clear if she disapproves of your choices in life etc.
Anyway, perhaps due to having a lot of friends in common our friendship endured. It actually got quite a bit stronger post uni when she was very supportive after I broke up with a long term boyfriend (who she never liked that much). I enjoyed her company for the most part.
Fast forward over 10 years and we are both now married with kids and I find myself wanting to not have her in my life anymore and it's been like this for the past couple of years I guess. Some of it is blatant jealousy on my part. She's a lot better off than me thanks mainly to a high warning husband and rich parents. I'm kinda jealous of her house but more so her lack of financial anxiety. I know this trait is very unsavoury & if it was just that Id probably think I have to man up and get over myself. But it does feel more than that, related to her rather judgemental nature. She asks me a million and one questions about my life when we meet, drilling down on the aspects that aren't working out so well (especially that my husband is a sahd which wasn't exactly planned though I'm not that worried about it til after I see her!) in a way that seems both judgemental and perhaps even if she's trying on some level to get at me. I feel subject to some sort of inquisition and sweat and squirm! I'm probably paranoid but I leave her company usually feeling pretty shit about myself. On top of this my husband is totally fed up with me moaning about her (which I often do after seeing her) but then still seeing her, his simple advice is 'don't see her', and as a result refuses to come to any occasion organised by her where kids/husbands come too.
If it was just her I think it would be relatively easy to let the friendship slide but we both parry of a group of 5 mutual friends, 3 of whom i really like (I am very close to and see one if those friends a lot, I see less of the other 2 due to them being abroad a lot). I haven't seen her or spoken to her since around xmas & to be honest that has been really nice (!). But recently she sent an email to the group saying we must meet up & suggesting some dates. My heart sank. I just can't be arsed. the 3 I'm still close with I can see separately but it will look more than a bit odd if I just don't reply. I'm busy on a few of the suggested dates but she's suggested so many it's impossible to be busy on all of them. I am yet to respond and not really sure how to. Part of me thinks I should stop being a jealous bint, she doesn't do this to you, it's all in your head - just stay mates. But another part of me thinks, fucks sake you leave her company feeling like you need to spend many days in therapy, don't do that to yourself, friendship shouldn't be that hard.
Pick a date - then be ill on it ? Just avoid her asxmuch as possible.
She is as she is. She isn't going to change. She just does what she does. So the thoughts about her are all in your head. What happens when you let those thoughts drop away? Who do you become? Could it be the person that is happy when not in her company?
Thanks, that's probably good call & I've done it before (without actually having to lie - I had a rotten cold), but it does kinda prolong the pain. I know I will umm & arr about 'being ill' (& feel guilty!) plus also means there is a next time too (but I guess the only way to ensure that is to tell her I don't want to be friends anymore which is a very hard thing to do & may possibly threaten my friendship with the 3 who I really like and want to stay friends with)
Noego, thanks, I know I need to do this.
I kind of managed that when I last saw her, but I had to be careful around the conversation and steer it away from the typical inquisition. It probably helped that I turned up late (not intentional)
I think if I'm very honest with myself that I don't like her that much, and because I do t like her that much her questions / comments should not bother me. That could help me achieve what you suggest
It sounds to me like she's not necessarily a bad friend or done anything wrong but something about her triggers your own insecurities and weak spot.
Her asking you lots of questions is likely her being genuinely interested in what's going on in your life, but it seems like this makes you uncomfortable as you realise your life is not as 'perfect' as hers.
In reality though nothing is ever truly as it seems. Your impression of her and her finances are in your head and imagination, not necessarily accurate of how things really are for her.
Friends are hard to find as you get older so think carefully about burning bridges, especially if it could potentially result in a split in the group.
If it were me I'd learn to respond differently to her and drop the lifestyle jealousy.
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