Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I confront him about texts or am I crazy? Help please

(12 Posts)
Skuddles22 Mon 03-Apr-17 21:29:10

Hi everyone. Please bare with me as this post is going to jump around a lot. Some background first.. DH and i got married just over a year ago and i traveled overseas to live with him, so we have only lived together for 2 months, thanks to long visa processes.
My husband tells me he loves me and does all the right things, but I still got this feeling.. so I checked his phone while he was showering one morning and found messages on his phone from a girl I'd never heard of. The first message started around 2 weeks before I arrived however it was clear that they'd been messaging before this and deleted the history.
First message from her was 'I suppose I'll have to stop messaging when you're wife gets here' he replied no just not in the middle of the night. There'd been maybe 100 texts back and forth since then. Nothing obviously sexual but referencing her as pretty definitely a closeness and flirting in my eyes.
It seems this woman also chose the underwear he bought for me!? He mentions me and says married life is great but I really think that there's been something going on during the visa process. Maybe not sexual but definitely suggestive. He also had messaged other women although not to the same extent saying they could be models or calling them pretty, all the while saying howe much he enjoys his wife here.

The reason I'm not going in guns blazing and asking him about it is because a few months before we got married I had this feeling again and logged into one of his gaming chats. He'd been messaging a gamer friend calling her baby and saying he's always here for her and inviting her to join snapchat. She didn't seem interested but he really was. I confronted him cause I was so angry and he deleted the account and said sorry and that he loves me and he won't do it again and I believed him. But now I'm thinking he has some need to talk to girls online because it's not "real cheating" but it scares me because we first met online so we both know how easy it is to get attached. So he has lied about this sort of thing before. I don't know if he genuinely just dosent know where the line is or is enjoying playing with fire. It's the deleting of messages that worries me the most.

I love this man but we're trying to have kids and I'm really worried about our future. Am I just crazy and jealous or does this sound like something to worry about. I don't want to bring children into a family that will inevitably be torn apart as I'd be going back to my home country if it did. Any imput at all would be appreciated =)

Sorry for the long rant =)

Darcychu Mon 03-Apr-17 23:08:20

Mhmm as a gamer i have been in this situation multiple times, Im really sorry too say but its all about attention. now theres 2 options
1. He hasnt physically cheated just emotionally (normally these are for attention) andthey like to be made to feel special by multiple people that they think are good looking
2. he has physically cheated in which he actually wants the sex side of it which is the worst obviously

but the problem is both of them are leading down a bad road, firstly emotional cheating creates a seperation from Reality and fantasy which can cause problems in your relationship with wondering if you could do better or if the grass is greener so to speak Heres an example ive heard:

Man met a woman online, she seemed fantastic, they had everything in common. she would constantly put it in his mind how perfect they are for eachother and how amazing she is at everything he likes to do sexually. Man left his GF of 6 years for her. BUT when he got together with the online woman she was totally different, She didnt Love giving head as she had told him, She ALWAYS wore a condom which she had deemed wrong of his ex for doing as bareback is best He ended up dumping her for another woman and then another woman and so forth until he had a breakdown and tried getting back with his ex who said no ... you getting my point?

He fell for the fantasy, He never realised Reality was far different and now he was without the woman that loved him and treated him better than all of his Ex's.

Both 1 & 2 options are just as bad because with 1 you dont realise how far your getting into shit, you think its harmless until its too late and your mind is controlled by having this fantasy online relationship.

You need too talk to him about it and if he says it isnt cheating. It is. reverse it ask him what he would feel if you were talking to other men, telling they were handsome and flirting with them.

Skuddles22 Tue 04-Apr-17 01:10:17

I agree with you. I think it's all for the attention. He's so different in real life than when he's texting. Gaming online is how we met so I can see the signs so clearly.
He obviously wants married life and really wants to have kids. But I think if that happens it will get worse. He seems to want the best of both worlds.

I just don't know if I should give him another shot because I don't think it has been physical, because the thought of a divorce after 2 months together over a text just feels stupid... but at the same time... better to nip it in the bud before 10 years and like 2 kids or something... it's so hard because he's so loving but it's in the back of my mind..

sassandfaff Tue 04-Apr-17 03:53:58

I don't want to bring children into a family that will inevitably be torn apart as I'd be going back to my home country if it did.

Just be aware that you wouldn't be able to go back to your own country with the kids without him agreeing, if the country you are in is under the Hague convention.

If he's doing this now after 2 months together, I don't think the future looks good. I'd cut my losses personally, before kids arrive.

sassandfaff Tue 04-Apr-17 03:54:23

2 months of marriage I mean.

FluffyWhiteTowels Tue 04-Apr-17 07:05:47

It's not making you feel great. That's the important bit imo

FluffyWhiteTowels Tue 04-Apr-17 07:06:47

It's not making you feel great. That's the important bit imo

WellErrr Tue 04-Apr-17 07:09:53

You're not crazy but you would be to have kids with him

How would he feel if you were doing this?

Skuddles22 Tue 04-Apr-17 14:13:10

This is so confusing.. I've had another look through the texts and all through it he's saying how beautiful I am and how much he loves married life and wants a family. I genuinely don't believe he'd leave me for someone else or physically cheat.
I had a look through our phone bill and I can see that there's over 700 texts between them in the past 4 months. Some of which go on first thing in the morning to last thing at night for several days at a time. Who needs to text someoneditor until 11.30 and then keep texting them at 7.30am and keep going! And again all of the texts before I got here have been deleted, of which there would have been around 500 texts. I'm so confused because part of me believes it may not have been sexual at all... but he doesn't know that texting another woman that much isn't good!
I have a guy friend of 10 years that I text occasionally. But we text for around 2 hours every couple weeks as a catch up and that's it! Texting him day and night for consecutive days would be obviously crossing a line.

I looked up this girls number online and it actually gives a first name. So I might go in with that 'who's ***?" And let him know that I know he's beven texting her a lot. And then ask to see his phone. And then ask why they're deleted.

I don't want him to think I'm spying on him, this is me acting on a sense, the same sense that I've had multiple times before and been right. I trust him physically but I don't trust him not to get sucked in by someone.

Hissy Tue 04-Apr-17 16:15:09

My dear, you genuinely don't know the first thing about this guy, and the little you do know is either shrouded in half truth or oitband out lies.

Don't have kids with him, end it and go back home. You've done nothing wrong bar trusting someone who wasn't up to the job. It's all on him, not you.

inlectorecumbit Tue 04-Apr-17 16:21:56

This is just so wrong is so many levels and the fact that he says the texts can continue just not through the night means he has no intention of stopping and no intention of telling you about them.
This is not his first offence and l doubt it will be his last,
Please do not bring kids into the mix.
Leave while you can, go back home and start again.

Puddington Tue 04-Apr-17 16:25:18

he doesn't know that texting another woman that much isn't good!
Surely he does know it's wrong though, and this woman knows too if she sent him a message asking if they'd have to cut contact after you moved to be with him sad The fact he said no shows he doesn't care, and the fact he specified when she could message him shows he knows exactly what he's doing and was planning to continue keeping it from you.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: