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Please help me shift this wretched feeling

(116 Posts)
NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 20:38:42

I've name changed as outing.

I feel so sad, so wretched, jealous, miserable, tired and everything seems so uphill and hopeless.

I'm basically still going through divorce over 2 years after emotionally abusive, controlling and lying Narc DH finally left. He has made nothing easy for me or the children since. He hasn't returned divorce papers, he wouldn't tell me where he was living for months so I couldn't start the divorce process, didn't see the DCs as arranged and then took ME to Court on a bed of lies saying that I had denied access.

Anyway, we have a contact agreement - that he isn't exactly sticking to and getting his family to do most of. One DC won't see him at all. The situation is hard.

He has a new girlfriend. It has been going on since before Christmas and he has included her in all access visits telling DC that she was his brothers gf at first, then 'just a friend' he introduced my DC to her family, he has now finally admitted she is a gf. My poor young DC felt very messed around and lied to and told me he didn't trust his df anymore.

I thought it would be better now in the sense that he would want out of this marriage and move on, stop obsessing with me, but no, no sign of that at all.

Please help with with some positive outlooks. When will this get better? I am exhausted with work, running the home and constant childcare. I feel like I have been running on empty for years. Most friends are married and we have drifted apart - mainly because I never have any time to see them and they just don't 'get' my situation. I feel so alone.

And this is the Head F at the moment - I feel jealous! I keep thinking of them together and it makes me feel wretched. Why is this? I don't love him, can't even hear his voice without my stomach turning (I have gone NC as much as possible), our sex life was awful for years - this man was completely incapable of making anyone else feel good. I don't want him back in any way shape or form, why do I feel so jealous? How do I stop it? It's driving me insane confused

I also can't believe how any sane woman would want to get involved with him - I know he must be lying about everything but that drives me nuts too! How can he get away with it? Where is the justice? sad

Thanks so much for reading.

Esoteric Mon 03-Apr-17 21:08:48

Listen, I can assure you if my DH 'comes on the market'. Some of the lovely ladies on here would think their numbers had come up, the problem is everyone tends to be on best behaviour for a few years and they certainly aren't likely to be revealing the crap!! I'm afraid they can and do get away with it, as could some of the not very nice women too!!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 03-Apr-17 21:08:59

Well, you know that you have done the right thing. When they behave so badly afterwards, it confirms why you want them to be an X. You are left with the grunt-work of parenting, while they go on to apparently get the chance of a 'new' life. GF will have been given the re-written story of your relationship, and he will be being nice to her (he managed to woo you, right?). He probably won't be able to keep this up. The badness leaks out of them in the end. Things get easier I think as DC get older, and need less direct-parenting. I don't know about justice, but if you believe in karma my abusive a**se of an XH has now married the sugar-mummy. He went from having a DD who loved him dearly, and an wife he was pretty good most of the time grin to having 3 step-children who hate don't like him very much. And Sugar Mummy is apparently getting fat (he charmingly told my sister at a celebration for DD). So the grass isn't always greener. And I have a DP despite being quite fat myself. And old. I hope this helps, and in the meanwhile I send you good thoughts and flowers

NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 21:16:20

Thank you spongebob. It sounds like there is some hope then!
I think it is the games and lies with the kids that makes me most cross.
Yes, he did woo me. He says absolutely the right thing, he is a complete salesman. Promises you the world. But pretty much all of it was a lie. I learnt the hard way.

I just want to move on and the b'stard is still controlling me, still blocking my future, I tried to get away from him for years and he pulled every emotional trick & lie in the book. Now I just don't get why he doesn't want shot of me with this shiny new and younger girlfriend. And why doesn't she want him to get shot of me too?!

And why the hell am I so jealous when I think of them together. It just doesn't make sense to me.

NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 21:17:44

The badness leaks out of them in the end.

I love that.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 03-Apr-17 21:23:01

A lot of it is about control I think. Mine stalked me for ages on MN. Had to name-change. Didn't love me, didn't want to treat me properly, but didn't want to lose control either. I engage as little as possible. When you have DC, you will always have a link unfortunately, but now my DD is at university, the contact needs to be a lot less. It doesn't completely go away, the b**sh*t, but there ability/opportunity to try it gets less.

RandomMess Mon 03-Apr-17 21:23:06

It is incredibly difficult but please try and detach from him, it's really hard. He is still in your head and you need him out of it.


NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 22:02:00

I really want him out of it. I want to be bloody divorced!! I want The End and a chance to breath again but he just won't let it happen.

And he is constantly in my head with the games he keeps playing with DC. Honestly the things he tells them and the stunts he pulls are awful. I try not to get into the conversations but when your 4 yo tells you their heart has broken a little bit because daddy keeps telling lies it's so hard.

I hate him for the hell he has put us all through. And then I hate myself for hating him! I want to dis-engage but keep getting pulled into things by him or things he says/does to the kids.

I know if it was pre-kids I would have bounced back from him with next to no effort, couple of girlie hols, few nights out, new Hobby or job to occupy me and he would have been a distant memory. Instead I am totally trapped in this shit time warp, no prospect of any nights off on the horizon let alone adventures and emotionally damaged DCs who need even more from me than normal. I feel so useless. I'm failing me and the kids but so stuck on the treadmill of work and running a home there is no hope in sight sad

LoveDeathPrizes Mon 03-Apr-17 22:07:32

Just a guess but I would imagine the jealously comes from your understanding that she gets to be with the version of him that you fell in love with. He evidently isn't that person and rationally you know that, but you will still have a strong emotional connection to that projection of him.

NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 22:19:01

Yes love. God that makes sense. And I suppose I miss that person, that person that I trusted enough to marry and have children with (and I didn't do it lightly).

I do feel desperately sorry for her - she would never fathom what he is capable of.

And I HATE that he gets to feel those happy, exciting feelings of a new relationship, with her making him feel such a lovely person and life being all twinkly and full of exciting prospects. While I am left here drowning in the shit that he caused with our DCs 24/7.

NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 22:20:32

How can I make these negative emotions go away?

LoveDeathPrizes Mon 03-Apr-17 22:29:50

It's so completely normal. And the healthiest is pity for her. Because it will come crashing down.

I'm every relationship, even once the feelings are long gone, seeing them move on is the hardest. I think we all love that first flush no matter who it's with and it isn't fair that he gets to do that and you don't.

But you will. And when you do, this will all be history.

I actually wouldn't think that his relationship is all roses. He's coming to it with a lot of emotional baggage and it sounds like he's not capable of making his new GF feel particularly secure in that.

I would bet the jealousy is more that you want to find happiness with someone wonderful. It just so happens that the early days with your Ex are your last snapshot of that. Keep telling yourself it's a memory template. Nothing more.

NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 22:31:01

... and he's using our youngest DC to recreate it all. Him and new gf were like 'a family, like mummy & daddy' according to my youngest. They have been for at least 2 months and completely unknown to me been a '3'. Cinema trips, meals with new family, park visits, dog walks etc. All of this with his brothers girlfriend according to what he told his DC! Poor DC was so confused. Makes me sick that other DC have been totally left out of this new arrangement so he has basically moved on without them. Family torn in 2 😢

KarmaNoMore Mon 03-Apr-17 22:34:40

You know, there is a time when you have to accept you are human, not the next saint waiting to be consecrated. It is ok to be angry, it is ok to be annoyed and yes it is also perfectly normal to hate him. You need to acknowledge your feelings so you can move into sorting them.

My divorce process lasted for years and the vast majority of that time was spent in survival mode trying to ensure we kept a roof above our heads, that DS was ok, that he was safe, that he was eating well, that no opportunity to have contact with his dad was missed even if that resulted in more heartache for DS. But it comes a time when you have to put yourself first and seek help to mend the damage that has come to yourself. I was lucky to find a very supportive counseling service via my GP, to talk about all the anger and pain I carried inside me.

I believe that jealousy is not coming from love or affection. It is the natural thing to feel when you are being left with the lion's share of the responsibility to care for the children and unable to get back with your life because your kids need you so much, while the bastard is able to keep with his life as if nothing has happened.

LoveDeathPrizes Mon 03-Apr-17 22:35:39

I can understand why that's just horrible to hear but yeah, it's very unlikely they've all reached a stage of family intimacy so quickly.

It's an act. It's always an act at the start. I think he needs a bloody dressing down re: the kids but he really doesn't deserve your affection or longing.

LoveDeathPrizes Mon 03-Apr-17 22:36:46

I'm really sorry that all of the emotional labour here appears to be falling to you.

NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 22:51:05

Thank you so much** for your replies khama and love.

I have been attending Counselling for about the last 2 years. It doesn't feel like emotionally I am getting anywhere with it because it is such a rare hour off in the week, I have so few people to talk to in rl and the whole time I am there I seem to be dealing with emotional bomb after emotional bomb that he keeps throwing via the children. I have just been using it to keep my head above water and get through to the following week. There is no time or opportunity to talk about 'me' if that makes sense. But at the same time she is a support that I have bloody needed.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond, It has made me feel more human again.

NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 22:53:35

My 4 yo told me that he thinks the new gf is nice. He said that he told her that he doesn't want her to hurt his Mummy as his Daddy and his family have done, and apparently she said that she would never do that confused

Ineedmorelemonpledge Mon 03-Apr-17 22:57:03

I can't add much more to the brill support and advice you've gotten already.

But I just wanted to say I'm in a similar boat. I questioned my STBEXH new partner - how could she be with a man who doesn't support his child, has 5 children from 3 different women, only sees 2 of them, mine due to a shitload of effort from me?

But of course she is having her "pedestal" moment, and most likely hearing, as I did, how bad the bitch of an ex is, and how much of a sensitive little soul he is, how he would never argue with, or disrespect her...blah blah bloody blah.....

I met her by accident and my friend said, "yup, another vulnerable one, ready for slaughter"

They know exactly how to choose their next victim. The kind of person that has an open and trusting heart and would find it hard to fathom that someone who said they loved you, would do everything for you...would actually be totally incapable of empathy and just mimic an idea of love for their own gain.

Give it a couple of years...he'll lose that skin and the lizard underneath will break out for sure.

They say before you get serious with a man, have dinner with his ex wife. And to quote Dr. Seuss...oh the places we'd go....!wink

You are doing a brilliant job, the wait for the divorce is f*cking life destroying. But on your side are DC that love you so much they open their hearts to tell you how sad they are with their fathers behaviour.

You are the one they love and trust. You've earned that, and they'll loyally love and care for their mum for ever.

Be kind to yourself sweetheart. He's just not worth it. flowers

NameWithChange Mon 03-Apr-17 23:08:12

Thank you lemon.

I think I have dared to fantasise about a conversation with her and it's good to hear it reinforced that she would be completely under his spell and already be viewing me as the wicked witch anyway because of his bs.

I also don't really want to put her off him - she is my one escape route!! If he gets completely tangled up with her it gives me more freedom.

It's just the lack of respect for my babies and the lies that make me rage.

LOVE Dr Seuss 😍

TinyDancer69 Mon 03-Apr-17 23:18:49

Nothing to add OP other than I know how you must feel and it does just suck. Life as a single parent is grindingly hard and to see this excuse of a father swan off into the sunset must be galling. But...the mask WILL slip it's just a matter of when not if.

There's no magic bullet to alleviate your turmoil but just take a deep breath and believe this too shall pass!

Great post from Ineedmore!

LoveDeathPrizes Tue 04-Apr-17 00:20:43

I can imagine therapy is tricky. You've had so much to process and you still are. Often it feels as if you're not doing yourself any favours to be the emotionally analytical one in the relationship (I'm assuming - given that he's set up a faux intimacy rather quickly that he was always better at passively repressing feelings and you bore the brunt of feeling responsible for your whole family's wellbeing). Give it time. You will come out stronger. I think it's really healthy that you're exploring your feelings towards him. My inkling is that you're drawn to thinking about 'past' him because it's easier. It was a version of him that made sense. The new version is much harder to reconcile with the idea of someone you once loved.

NameWithChange Tue 04-Apr-17 08:03:25

Love. Your words are so spot on I'm almost speechless.

Mamaka Tue 04-Apr-17 08:22:31

is there any chance you might be able to book a bit of time off work and book a cheap holiday for you and the DC? And have your own nice, relaxed family time which includes both DC and true intimacy to remind your youngest what real family feels like and reassure your eldest?

NameWithChange Tue 04-Apr-17 09:40:29

Oh mamaka that would be my dream.

Unfortunately he is doing everything he can at the moment to screw me financially too. As one DC won't see him I also have constant childcare to try and work around my employment - covering the school hols is a nightmare.

Also, my parents are old, I have no other family. Sometimes dealing with the DC and an aged parent is the final straw! I feel pulled in so many ways it's ridiculous.

I did wonder about single parent family holidays, I know nothing about them and would love an experienced opinion of them. I know we need things ahead to look forward to.

None of it is made any easier by 'Disney Dads' hand in it all every few weeks where one DC is isolated and ignored while others get treats, new bikes should read extra bikes as already own bikes! , days out etc.

The man seems utterly incapable of appreciating anyone else's situation or trying to support the DCs emotions. His actions have just made it all harder for years.

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