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When do you know if you can get over it or not?

(58 Posts)
Paperdoll16 Mon 03-Apr-17 18:24:24

It's only been four months since discovering my H's secret relationship with a previous work colleague which was considered an EA (I posted about it before with all of the details).

It's broken me much more than I (and probably he) ever thought. He is very remorseful and he does everything in his power to help us move forwards as a couple.

However, I go through cycle after cycle of emotional ups and downs and none of us know what's coming next. It's draining and bordering on extremely unhealthy now. Probably because they're happening every few days, mostly when he's at work (they don't work together anymore) but I think it's that while distrust I have now.

I wanted to know every little detail. I contacted the OW and she told me A LOT (although H maintains some is not true) and now I find myself obsessing over those details, their conversations, interactions, the dates, what we were doing/ going through etc etc at the time and now they're all triggers. Anything that reminds me of him and her sends me into another low and I cannot cope and I tell him I'm done (again)!

My wedding ring has been mostly off since the discovery (I've never taken it off in 9 years prior to this). I have put it back on a few times but the pain I feel when I think about it is too much. He broke those vows. He didn't forsake all others.

I don't want to lose what we have; We have 3 DD's and he's the perfect father and husband (other than this). But obviously I'm struggling to come to terms with this.

Is this because it's still early days? Am I just being too sensitive? Do I need to learn to put this away (or at least try to?) or does it sound like I'm not going to get over it?

I need some reassurance on moving on after betrayals and deceit when you felt like you and your H/P were solid, soul mates and no one else could come between you?! Because right now I question how he could have done this to me (over three quarters of a year) without thinking it wouldn't ruin us.

NotJanine Mon 03-Apr-17 18:31:03

Have you tried couples counselling?

NotTheFordType Mon 03-Apr-17 18:31:58

This is going to sound harsh.

As long as you subscribe to the view that the only way is monogamy and that sex with someone else means he doesn't love you, you're never going to get over it.

If you can be a bit more realistic and accept that people actually do want to have sex with different people, because that's a human urge, then it'll help. I mean obviously he'll still be a lying shit who didn't have the balls to say "Hey so about this monogamy thing... I've kinda changed my mind."

Msqueen33 Mon 03-Apr-17 18:31:58

I think it's very early days yet. You're bound to be upset still. He broke your trust. I don't think you ever truly forget. Especially as it happened where he's still working. I think it takes a big effort to move on and move past it. I hope it gets easier soon for you though as it must be very painful.

JK1773 Mon 03-Apr-17 18:32:29

Oh you poor thing. He has completely abused your trust and I'm not surprised you feel like this. You shouldn't question yourself or beat yourself up. If you want to move forward that has to be when YOU are ready for that to happen and your husband has to be patient and give you the space and time to recover. He also needs to never minimise what he did and the hurt he's caused. It may be that you decide you absolutely can't move on and that is your right too. Don't be rushed into making any decisions. If you can't get past this then you may have to split but make that decision only when you are sure. I'm sorry you are going through this. Be kind to yourself flowers

user1479305498 Mon 03-Apr-17 18:35:47

Cant offer any consolment PaperDoll , I wish I could as in an identical situation. Yesterday was bad as she posted up a lovely picture of her and brand new baby with her husband. (my situation is from years ago but only recently found out) Husband asked if he could at least comment and say congratulations. I said yes-- and now annoying myself by keep looking at it!! I think the same, WTF was he thinking!! At the time we had what I thought was a very good relationship, stressful as we worked together but not "unclose" if anything a bit too codependent. As my counsellor said to me, in most cases "they arent thinking logically" its not about you at all, its about ego boosts and wanting to feel they still "have it" and enjoying that limerence feeling of "new" in 75% of cases. As she said selective madness strikes in these kind of EA situations, whereas pure horniness strikes in the ONS kind of situation. I think I honestly would have got over a ONS far easier. Thinking of you

Paperdoll16 Mon 03-Apr-17 18:48:38

notjanine yes we went for one session but it was a disaster. Wrong choice of counsellor who implied I had trust issues and we both left feeling worse than before.

I would like to try again but not sure if I need to go alone or is together?

notthefordtype I get that we are humans and are attracted to the opposite sex etc but as far as I'm concerned that is where it stops if you're married or in a LTR!!

msqueen he doesn't work there anymore, thankfully. I don't think I could cope with that.

JK thank you. He says within time I will start to feel better again as he knows he needs to rebuild the trust but all I think is that he's broken it. What good is it trying to sort it now it's totally f**ked? He didn't once think that every time he picked up the phone to her!

user I remember you commenting on my previous thread. How bloody awful for you! Why on earth is he still friends with her?? That's crazy and how does that help you get over it??

NeonGod73 Mon 03-Apr-17 19:04:23

This is cruel but once someone cheats on you, they will do it again sooner or later.

NotJanine Mon 03-Apr-17 19:06:35

I know how you are feeling and I don't think you can get passed it without working on it together and I think a good counsellor is what you need. In my case, I tried to put it behind me but it was always there in the back of my mind and it destroyed my confidence.
My STBXH went on to have physical affairs, I'm not saying that will happen to you, but I think if we'd really addressed what had happened (rather than trying to sweep it under the carpet) we would have either split up then or worked to keep our marriage strong.

Paperdoll16 Mon 03-Apr-17 19:10:36

neongod I'm sure some people aren't serial cheaters. However, that said, I do feel that in several years time (once this is all forgotten) he would have his head turned again in a similar position! But that's because he's shown me that he is capable of doing that to me. Honestly, if our relationship was shit I would probably just accept it but I stupidly thought it was the best. He however told her otherwise..
(But he wasn't attracted to her hmm)

FrancesDestroyed Mon 03-Apr-17 19:15:25

Going through this right now Paperdoll, an almost identical situation. We've been married 22 years and together for 27. So sorry, flowerssad

IrianOfW Mon 03-Apr-17 19:38:31

You don't know until you are over it.

It's a long process and if at any point you decide the ends do not justify the means, you are free to call it a day. Only you can know what you are prepared to cope with.

NeonGod73 Mon 03-Apr-17 19:49:48

Paperdoll16 what I mean is that your husband will probably cheat again specifically on you. I didn't mean he would cheat on all his partners all his life.

painsucks Mon 03-Apr-17 19:55:41

I am 10 months on from finding out about dh affair with someone he works with and still does. He held a lot back so things were still coming out in November. Not big things. We are going to marriage counselling now after both having individual counselling which I think was the right move. I still feel I don't know if I can get over it. I still struggle with my feelings and thoughts. All I know is that I want it to work and get better. I know I still love him. I know he loves me. So I will keep trying. I sometimes think I might not to be able to forgive him fully but if I can live with what happened that will be OK. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Paperdoll16 Mon 03-Apr-17 20:19:33

neongod but what are you basing that on? Whilst I appreciate your input and I'm open to anyone's opinions I do think he has massively realised what he has potentially lost, but maybe I am, as usual, being naive or better known as a mug for thinking he wouldn't have done it in the first place?

I re posted to try and work out if I can do anything to help me get over it. Any success stories. I don't want to always have this in the forefront of my mind. But maybe I will. Do I want that in my marriage? No I don't.

francesdestroyed painsucks and notjanine I am sorry you're all going through this too. I never thought I would be one of 'those wives' (who I've heard similar stories of and felt desperately sorry for) and I'm absolutely gutted that I am.

IsNotGold Mon 03-Apr-17 20:51:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Mon 03-Apr-17 20:55:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paperdoll16 Tue 04-Apr-17 08:38:35

itsnotgold nearly a year on and you're still going through the same turmoil?

It's barely 16 weeks but my H has told his friends that he can't take much more of the emotional up and downs anyway. He's given up the fight and seems quite accepting of us going our separate ways.

I'm going to close my profile now but I wanted to thank all of those who have been kind enough to offer their support to me when I needed it. flowers

IsNotGold Tue 04-Apr-17 08:52:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cudders021 Tue 04-Apr-17 09:17:45

I don't expect her to move on after just 16 weeks and have and continue to show love and support because I love her and would do anything to keep our marriage and family together. I encourage us to talk but she prefers text to which I find difficult as what I say can be taken the wrong way.

I have never said those things to my mates, as much as I have done and caused so much pain the remorse is real and the pain I feel now is such that I feel frustrated more with myself because of what I have done and talk to my mates about it which I don't see a problem with.

The fact as she worked a night shift last night and I spent almost every minute during the night talking to her trying to keep us together and do the same day in day out I think is enough to show my fight to keep our marriage and family together.

These things aren't often said about the positives someone does so felt I should at least defend some stuff.

IsNotGold Tue 04-Apr-17 09:27:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HmmOkay Tue 04-Apr-17 09:38:59

You sound quite angry with her, Cudders.

You know that you are the one who caused this, right?

And for God's sake let her work in peace. No wonder she isn't thinking straight with you "every minute during the night" bothering her. You can't bulldoze her into getting over your infidelity.

Show her some decency and respect and give her some space. Answer her questions honestly. That's the only way you will get through this.

Esoteric Tue 04-Apr-17 09:44:15

I am in the same position cudders, the problem is in my case my DH expects that the subject is closed and seems to think I can just 'move on' as I haven't booted him out already. What's done is done but I can assure you this is on your mind 50%of the time , it's very debilitating

TheStoic Tue 04-Apr-17 09:55:57

Are you willing to help her through this for as long as it takes, Cudders?

If not, if you have a deadline for her to be over it - you should tell her now.

Introvertedbuthappy Tue 04-Apr-17 09:57:44

Perhaps cudders you could have thought of that before carrying out an affair for the best part of a year?...
You caused this and if you are genuinely remorseful you will do what you can to try and fix it. Not get frustrated that your wife isn't over it in less than a third of the total time you were carrying on with another woman.

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