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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Was my sister in the wrong

28 replies

mydshines · 03/04/2017 15:42

I'm writing this post on my behalf of my sister. She wants to know was she really unreasonable to do this.
The background story is she is a long term relationship for 6 years. She is her mid 30s. They don't have kids. There were trouble on both sides.
Anyway they never go away. My sister loves her holiday s. And he knows that and he never took her away. After 6 years in a relationship she got really resentful. And jealous of other people.
They don't live together. And they see each other a few hours at the weekend like Fri, sat, sun.
He doesn't do pubs. Cinemas, niteclubs. But he would bring her to the shops or to bingo. She loves her bingo.
She tried talking to him, coaxing him, being angry with him. Everything really to know no avail.
His response was we will. Or we look. Their sex life is a disaster TBH and they only do it in her moms house as she lives at home.
So the story is he came around to the house at 3.50 on Saturday.
They went to the shops and came home at 6. He sat in a chair and had the phone to his face ,(she hates that as he there but no there) and told her to put TV on.
Because her mom was away she had the house to her self. She realised the regular occurrence he will sit there until 8 and go home back to his house in which he shares with his family. That don't get on with my sister.
She asked why don't we go not ever go away he tutted and huffed. But he got really defensive and said he has his reasons.
And she mentioned to him that it's unfair that he never brought me away after 6 years. And said that that's is why I don't want to live with you or marry you.
And she said to him that if we don't go anywhere by the end of summer. Than I will leave you. And he replied
That he don't respond to threats and demanded to her to open the door so he stormed out
The reason why he don't want to go away with her about4 years ago they were thinking about going somewhere to Spain but never booked anything.
But her friend invited to Australia with her and she took it. And that was the reason why.
My sister is in bits and she suffers from low esteem issues she said she feels really bad

OP posts:

Report

TheSnowFairy · 03/04/2017 15:45

Crap sex life, being ignored, no commitment after 6 years, no fun times away...

No, your sister is definitely NBU.

2014newme · 03/04/2017 15:47

This relationship sounds doomed.
However why does she need to be "taken away" like a victorian dowager who might have a fit of the vapours without a man.
He doesn't like holidays. She does. Solution, she goes on holiday without him, like she did when she went to Australia.
Threatening to leave him if he doesn't "take her away" is ridiculous 🤔

UrethaFranklin · 03/04/2017 15:50

I agree with the above poster, she doesn't need to be 'taken away' - if she wants a holiday then bloody book one! With or without him, probably have a better time without tbh.

Holiday aside, he sound like a right bundle of fun, she should get rid ASAP and find someone who likes the same things that she does.

Aussiebean · 03/04/2017 15:51

Why is she with someone who doesn't want to either live with her or make ANY commitment?

user1483387154 · 03/04/2017 15:51

regarding going away, why doesnt she just book it and pay for it herself? It is not up to the man to have to do this.

If she is not wanting to live with him after 6 years then I would say that their problem is compatability and commitment issues.

If she is not happy with the relationship then she needs to end it. They have no family together or financial ties so it should be pretty simple.

Stripeymug · 03/04/2017 15:57

I think he is doing her a favour, she should hold him to this stand off and call it a day, what will she really miss? a few hours in front of the TV on a Saturday afternoon, the odd trip to the shops or the Bingo? he sounds like a duty visitor to an elderly lady not the partner of a woman in her 30's.

boolifooli · 03/04/2017 15:58

he would bring her to the shops

Does she have her own mind?

xStefx · 03/04/2017 15:59

Why exactly does she want to be with him?

boolifooli · 03/04/2017 16:04

So he won't go away with her because a few years ago she went to Australia with a friend? Nope, still confused.

mydshines · 03/04/2017 16:16

Thanks all. Just to clarify he has a car and she doesn't drive. Do they go to the out of town shop s.
Well she has in the past even booked a trip away she offered to pay, go halves, you pay I pay etc. She brought him away once overnight for a family wedding and payed for it.
But there so much drama leading up to as he might not get time if work or a family crisis was looming.
Can't remember really but there was so much stress wondering if he is going or not it put her off trying to book somewhere again.
She has friends that she goes away with but told him that she wants to go with her partner. Some of her friends already now have coupled up so they go with them instead. She likes him . He is her first. She was quite slow like that.
She is a fun person to be around but he sucks the joy BTW he has a full time job.lives at home no responsibility no mortgage. He previously stated that he had no money. But she found a bank slip in his car that stated he had 9 grand in his bank account.
He also 46 years of age oh and he had been in holidays with his exs

OP posts:

GoodDayToYou · 03/04/2017 16:17

Unless it's her dream to always live at home and 'date', I can't see what she's getting out of this. Wouldn't she be better off taking some 'me' time and then looking for someone else, a grown-up who actually wants a committed relationship?

The unreasonable bit is, I think, choosing a man who still lives with his family, doesn't go out much, refuses to go away and hasn't committed after 6 years! How many more years of her precious life is it going to take for her to realise that they have different values and want different things out of life?

I would suggest that she calls it a day now. When she's ready to meet someone new, maybe tell her to start by looking for someone with his own home, who loves travel and is keen to settle down with a partner.

Aussiebean · 03/04/2017 16:20

She should stop calling him her partner.

Because he really is far from that title.

GoodDayToYou · 03/04/2017 16:26

46??!!
Bless her heart! He's really not likely to change. When he says he doesn't want to commit to her, she needs to believe him. Tell her gently.

Monkeyface26 · 03/04/2017 16:34

He is not a proper adult. He is 46 years old and chooses to live with his parents. He is not interested in a sexual relationship in fact he barely seems interested in your sister at all.
She needs to show some initiative and change the things she doesn't like about her life. I think she should start with him.

Catherinebee85 · 03/04/2017 16:54

I have no idea why she's with him. The holiday and arguments thing is irrelevant as it sounds like the whole relationship.is total crap.

She just needs to leave him and have all the holidays she wants on her own!

mydshines · 03/04/2017 17:02

Thanks all she feels better now. But mom is the problem she encouraged her to give him another chance a while ago she likes him as he brings her to bingo. And he can be quite charming. To my mother.
I think my sister worries that she be quite lonely. But she not bad looking she lost weight she taking care of herself.

OP posts:

Catherinebee85 · 03/04/2017 17:19

She likes him because he brings her to bingo? It all sounds very sad.

Sounds like there's no point giving advice if she's just going to do what your mum tells her to.

mydshines · 03/04/2017 18:29

Well this is the night that they go to bingo so I'm curious would he show up. That's what I thought but mom is on holiday s at the moment so she has the extra head space to think it out. She won't be under pressure from her to see if he going to bingo

OP posts:

boolifooli · 04/04/2017 06:03

Could she learn to drive herself?

KateDaniels2 · 04/04/2017 06:15

He is not a proper adult. He is 46 years old and chooses to live with his parents

The OPs sister is in her 30s so not much different.

To be honest they both need to grow up.

Neither are independent adults and dont sound like they have any intention of being.

They arent compatible. Its that simple.

She issued an ultimatum and its backfired. Which they often do. He doesnt sound a treat either.

Time for your sister to end it.

Jemimapiddleduck · 04/04/2017 07:48

Do they both suffer from mental health issues? This is all so bizarre

Rainybo · 04/04/2017 08:40

If she likes to go away, it sounds like the best thing she could do is go and do some solo travelling. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and get rid of him!

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mydshines · 04/04/2017 13:25

Hi my sister doesn't have mental illness but she just very slow in that department. She just learned to accept his quirks as she didn't Know any different. She can be quite innocent.
Well they didn't go to bingo last night.
And no contact with each other.
She feels a mixture of relief and sadness.
Even though their home situation is unusual. I'm glad they can have a clean break. He wouldn't move in with her unless she earned more money she has a low paid job.
She would not able to make all the bills.and it's only in the last 6months she realised that she could not live with him either due to his quirks. And the fact is they never go on holidays and their sex life is dire and there is no connection

OP posts:

plainjanine · 04/04/2017 15:08

What Aussiebean said.

This is far from a relationship. They don;t spend much time together. When they do, he is on his phone the whole time and doesn;t engage with her. No sex life.

What does she actually get from this apart from having someone who can give her a lift to the out-of-town shops? A taxi driver might fulfill her needs better than her current "partner". He would at least be willing to talk to her while she was in the taxi!

She should bin him off and find someone who wants to actually spend time with her. Life's too short for this rubbish.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/04/2017 15:47

He is what I call a 'fun-sucker'
Sucks the fun out of everything.

told her to put TV on

demanded to her to open the door

WTF - he sounds like an abusive cock as well.

Is she in the UK?
I think booking onto a course would do her self-esteem the world of good.
And she can avoid these fuckwits in the future.
It's called 'The Freedom Programme' - it's run by Womens Aid.
Get her to look it up and attend if possible.
I think she has low self-esteem because he's knocked it down.
Time for her ditch the dickhead and get out there and have some fun!!

Flip

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