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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Living apart but staying together. Would you?

18 replies

TooComplicated · 03/04/2017 15:03

Has anyone tried living apart from DH/DP to save a relationship? What happened? Would you try it or just give up and move on?

I've been with my DH for over 20 years. He recently said he's not happy and thinks our marriage might be over. There's no OW but I think he's in the middle of a MLC because of the things he's worrying about.

He was going to leave but we started talking and now he's not sure what he wants. He has suggested moving out but that we stay together and try and inject back in some excitement by dating again, like at the beginning, to see if we do still really love each other etc.

I'm not sure about doing this but I would like to save the marriage if it can be saved. Although, if it is over I'd rather just get on with it so we can both just move on (I know it's not really that simple but you see what I mean!).

DC all grown up and moved away. I can be financially independent. So, this is all about the marriage and whether to try this as a last resort.

Have you done this? Would you try it? I'd love to hear some other thoughts. Thank you!

OP posts:

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LesisMiserable · 03/04/2017 15:11

You've nothing to lose at all by doing this, as long as you're sure there is nobody else involved.

Fifthattemptatusername · 03/04/2017 15:18

I did it 6 years ago and plan to continue. I have been with my dp for 14 years. We both feel happier in our own space. We live about 1 mile apart and spend weekends together and see each other through the week on an ad hoc basis. We went from staying in night after night on opposite ends of the sofa, never going out to having fun again and now enjoy each other's company again. It was a risky move but it's worked out well for us at least.

Adora10 · 03/04/2017 15:20

Definitely worth a go OP!

LesisMiserable · 03/04/2017 15:24

I'm getting married in July to my DP of 2.5years...no plans to live together in the near future and we live 60 miles apart yet see each other at least five days a week...quite happy!! 😊

Mumfun · 03/04/2017 16:14

Dont get involved in playing the pick me dance.

If he has any thoughts of other women this is what you would be doing. Soul destroying.

See chumplady for what this is about: www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Cat2014 · 03/04/2017 16:16

I don't think I would, I would suspect someone else or the sniff of someone else. Why else would he suggest this. He wants to hedge his bets imo

user1479305498 · 03/04/2017 16:33

I dont think thats always the case Cat, Im about to suggest something similar to my DH after finding out a few months ago about emotional affair from a good few years ago. I am angry and would like the space to be angry on my own , if you see what I mean. I want him to have repurcussions, but not 100% sure if I want to divorce and I definitely dont want another relationship as it is. I want to be free to do a few things on my own without having to account for my time. If they decide to go off and be idiots, then its not going to work anyway and they would be doing me a favour is my opinion.

TooComplicated · 03/04/2017 16:40

Fifth attempt I think that's what he's hoping for: that we can stop the rot and have fun together again. I can see the benefits for both of us but it also feels a bit like failure or an easier, slower way of separating. But it is reassuring to hear that this arrangement can be successful.

There's definitely no OW at the moment but I know this arrangement could provide more space and opportunity for an OW to worm her way in... and make it harder for me to spot the signs.

OP posts:

TooComplicated · 03/04/2017 16:42

LesisMiserable have you ever lived together?

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TooComplicated · 03/04/2017 16:44

User147 sounds like it might be a good idea for you. So many men don't seem to understand that emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones. Hugs for you.

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Esoteric · 03/04/2017 16:45

But if he is that easily turned Op would you want him anyway??

Darbs76 · 03/04/2017 16:53

I'd give it a go. Doesn't always mean that someone will have another woman or man on the go. Many people like their own company and space to do things. It might save your marriage. Worth a go

Branleuse · 03/04/2017 17:04

Ive been doing this with my dp for several years now. It did make it more of a novelty at first, and I think its actually been good for the relationship in some ways, and it definitely saved it after we both had a breakdown at the same time, but as times gone on its lonely, and theres not really any excitement to living apart and its nothing like dating. Its also expensive running seperate homes, and now we have got two separate houses, its going to be a nightmare to join everything back up together again, but thats what we are going to have to do eventually

Tbh, it sounds like your husband has just got one foot out the door. Id be wary.

birdspooping · 03/04/2017 19:58

Which one of you first bought up the possibility of living apart in conversation? I know you said he suggested it, but just wanted to check in case you said, 'well perhaps we could try this' and he said 'yeah, maybe we could'. I think that makes a big difference in whether it's a viable option or not.

The reason I say this is because yesterday my boyfriend suggested the same thing. It's completely different circumstances though so not necessarily relevant. Been going out for only 2.5 years (35 years old, no children) and we both want to buy our first properties, but don't feel ready to buy together yet. He thinks that it's because we haven't been going out that long, but my view is that if I'm not wanting to buy somewhere with him at this point (nor fantasising about marriage and babies with him), then I probably never will.

Anyway, he suggested buying our own places and living apart to reignite the fun and remember why we love each other, with a view to merging again in the future. But to be honest, even though I care deeply about him, have already more or less checked out so I won't be take him up on the offer because it feels like it's prolonging the inevitable.

My point is, we've seen some really positive stories on this thread and it would be brilliant if it works for you. But am going to say this - it seems that the good stories may be more of a mutually agreed beneficial agreement, rather than spearheaded by one side. Happy to be proved wrong though and you two have so much history, it IS worth fighting for. Within reason...

Thinking about if you were to go ahead, how would you feel? It could be great if you're totally on board and excited about getting some time to yourself after bringing up kids etc. and seeing DH as a boyfriend again. But if you'd see that time as an awful limbo, perhaps it would be difficult to get into that mindframe and it might not serve it's purpose? Could you do it without resentment?

Just spouting out ideas and questions. Wishing you all the best and please keep us posted!

birdspooping · 03/04/2017 20:12

Have to add, I realise that a 20 year marriage with children is monumentally more important than my story. Was just giving my personal experiences as reference!

RandomMess · 03/04/2017 20:18

Presumably you could actually live apart under the same roof... plan time apart, cooking separately, washing separately...

TooComplicated · 03/04/2017 21:58

Branleuse this is certainly something that worries me...that it won't really be like dating again and the huge expense for both of us.

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TooComplicated · 03/04/2017 22:08

Birds pooping it was his idea because he said it first but I had thought about it and dismissed the idea as a sort of halfway house. But it is a choice between that or nothing because he has got one (probably both) feet out the door. This is possibly the only thing that will save us. It is a compromise for me but I think I am willing to fight to save what I think is a good marriage. Although seeing him searching for somewhere to live is very, very hard.

Sounds like you have a big decision to make too!

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