Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I've been married for 6 years coming to 7 now but we've been together since 2006 - 11 long years. No children as we were never financially ready - we wanted to first get a house, a car then children. Now, we have them (still skint) but at least we think we are ready to have children. However, I'm having doubts....I've had these doubts for a very very long time but never really want to face it.
I have been financially independent from day 1 and still is the bread winner of the household.
I've always known about us being very different ppl. I'm one with drive and objective in life whereas he has been very laid back, living and working day by day to pay his portion of bills (which isn't very much considering the total household expenditure). If he could have it his way, he would probably still been renting a room at his current age of 40!
Sex - is almost non-existence. If I'm lucky, we may have sex once a month. It has always been like this even from the beginning. First I put it down to his depression with his career and money issues but since he never seems to earn enough, money problem has always been constant. In the last few years, his job became even more difficult and he is always tired. I don't push for sex and he never demands it. WE just go without it which I think is very unhealthy. I don't think he is getting it from anywhere else.
He is a lazy person - He does not play his role as a husband or a man of the house. Nothing gets done unless I tell him to. Sometimes, telling him once is enough but other times, I will need to chase him to get things done. He seems oblivious to things around the house or even life. He does not plan about the future at all. How we, as a unit can reduce our debt and secure our future escapes him completely.
In a nutshell, I am and have always been the driving force in this relationship. If I don't initiate it, nothing will happen. Being 36 this year, I'm tired. Really really tired. I yearned to be a mother since childhood but now, I'm seriously doubting if I want to have a child with this man. I feel like I am losing my energy and fight. When I was 30, I can still cope with this situation as I focused on my career, getting a house, a car etc. I may have chosen not to see my relationship problems. But as I age, I'm scared...I'm now forced to face the hard truth that this man will never change and will not be enough.
I have tried talking to him and telling him the problems. He agrees that he needs to do more and be more involved. But his effort will only last for a few days until her reverts back to his usual self.
I am scared to think I've wasted 11 years of my life and the potential of another 10 years. I don;t think I can go through another year living like this.
I'm thinking of divorce and just being on my own but if I do that, I might never have children (due to biological clock ticking)
You've not wasted 11 years, as it was right at the time.
Your destiny is in your own hands & you sound unfulfilled. There must be better for you out there. You've carried him for too long.
This doesn't sound like it's working.
He is who is is and I can't see how you are going to get him to change if you stay with him. You are only 36 and have an awful lot of years of your life left - do you really want to spend them trying to manage this guy.
It's always hard to leave a relationship especially when it doesn't sound as though you are at war with one another however just muddling along being disappointed in him isn't a good option is it.
Sounds like you have a teenager already op. .
Sounds like make or break time. . Don't assume having a baby is going to change him in any way whatsoever. .
And once a month sex is doubtful to conceive one anyway!
Run run away. He's never going to change. Imagine living this life with kids in tow
There's a much better relationship out there for you
At 36 you still have time.
But if you stay with him time will run out.
Or you will have a child and you will be looking after a baby as well as a lazy man-child.
You know it's time to cut and run and find something better.
Don't settle at 36.
Having a child will only emphasise the divide between you two; in fact it may tip you over the edge with regards to having to tell him to do anything; there's laid back and there's lazy to the point of allowing you to carry all the plates; sorry but he'd not be nearly good enough for me as a life partner or a parent.
Thank you for all your advice. I do feel unfulfilled and unhappy. I feel like I've sacrificed a lot and has been very patient all these years. We have bust ups all the time and it has taken a toll on me. I feel like I've changed into this horrible naggy, grouchy, always moody person. On bad days, I snap at people who are closest to me for no reason.
He has some redeeming factors. He does try very hard to please me in the ways that he can. Making me coffee in the morning, making sure I take my medication, rubbing my foot, watching my favourite movie, bringing me water...However, to me these are small things and without the fundamentals being taken care of, I'll never be truly happy. He doesn't drink or smoke or do things that I dislike. He works hard and never complains. He just gets in with it even though it might not be rewarding.
The saddest part is I can't even be truly angry with him because he truly doesn't know what it takes or how to make me happy. He just can't grasp the fundamentals and needs to be shown "how to". Then again, if he gave him a manual, he will be too lazy to read it. He might flick a few pages when shit hits the fan but that would be the extent to it.
I feel like I've grown up but he hasn't and still stucked at being a teenager.
On my "sane" days, I wonder if I'm asking too much? Will I regret leaving this relationship for things that I thought i wanted to later realise that I miss him? I'm 36 and have only been with 2 man.
Join the discussion
Please login first.