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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How to forgive and let go.

34 replies

Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 11:48

I'm having a hard time learning to forgive my partner for something that happened a few months ago. It's eating me up. I feel that by forgiving him, I'm saying "it's ok that you did what you did" and by that, it's like I'm accepting it.

OP posts:

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FritzDonovan · 03/04/2017 11:54

I understand that feeling. Depends what he did though, and the impact on your relationship. Without knowing that it's hard to comment on how to move on...Is he sorry/accepts he's in the wrong (if he is?)/unlikely to do it again?

Finola1step · 03/04/2017 11:55

Depends on what he did and the possible ramifications on you.

rizlett · 03/04/2017 11:59

Is forgiving letting go of the hurt?
Do we have the power to choose between feeling hurt - or letting go and declining to feel hurt?
Do things only have power to hurt - if we let them?
Does focusing on what happened and 'trying' to forgive make something a bigger deal?

Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 12:09

When I first started dating my partner, he was still in contact with his ex. I was ok with this as I didn't know what she was like, I naively thought she'd be one of these nice ex's that is accepting of old bf moving on, how wrong was I.

As soon as she found out he was seeing someone new and it was going somewhere she started up, begging for him back, constantly messaging him, ringing him and giving him shit for ignoring her. It wore me down as I didn't want that kind of hassle.

He eventually blocked her after 11 weeks, I knew it wouldn't be the end of it. Lo and behold, a few weeks after he blocked her, she turned up uninvited claiming to have moved on. I found out and went mental and he then re-blocked her.

We started to move on, but a month later I was having a discussion about it with my niece, and it opened up that wound and from then on, it's been on my mind constantly. I'm finding it so hard to let go of the upset. I know he's with me and he says he's so much happier. She was awful from what I've heard, jealous, possessive and really insecure.

I want to forgive him but I feel that by doing so, I'm saying "What you did is fine" I don't believe he'd do it again. But there's that distrust. (I trust him with everything else) we have an amazing relationship but this ruins us, I'll bring it up and it's always the same "why did you do it" "why did you let her in" I just wanna move on from it.

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FritzDonovan · 03/04/2017 12:14

What did he actually do that was so bad though? He blocked her when she started going after him (yes, maybe could have done it sooner), but did he get together with her/see her/encourage her? It doesn't really sound like he was an active participant from what you have said, so I'm not sure what there is to distrust?

HarmlessChap · 03/04/2017 12:20

Why is her turning up unannounced something he's done wrong and why do you have the say so on who he can and can not be in contact with?

Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 12:23

He said that and it wasn't a case of me saying "you can't contact her" he has loads of ex's that he's in contact with and I have absolutely no problems with any of them. I'm not that type of women to tell my partner what to do. We have a very laid back relationship. He made the choice to block her as he said he knew she wouldn't stop texting.

Her turning up wasn't his fault, I know! But it still hurt, it was like we were moving on and it sent us flying back. I can't imagine anyone being happy with an ex just randomly turning up at their partners door.

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FritzDonovan · 03/04/2017 12:28

I can't imagine anyone being happy with an ex just randomly turning up at their partners door.
Maybe not, but it does seem to have been rather one sided...

RebelRogue · 03/04/2017 12:30

It might've shaken you,upset you,set back "moving on" whatever. You are entitled to your feelings. But I see nothing he needs forgiveness for.

HarmlessChap · 03/04/2017 12:30

Then what is the problem?

You know its not his fault, you know that it's you he has chosen to be with, she did the pick me dance and failed.

How long will he put up with you using her actions a reason to be pissed off with him?

Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 12:34

I do believe it was one sided, he said he ignored her mostly.

The forgiving part I think is that he allowed it to carry on which is what's upset me the most. I know it looks odd to outside looking in and a case of "bigger fish to fry" it was after he had her in that I started to distrust him and I live in fear that she'll turn up again. I know it's not his fault if she did, but it's just having to go through that upset of her thinking she can meddle. It's just not something I'd do.

Honestly, if it was any other ex I wouldn't bat an eyelid. I'm close to my daughter's dad and we have brews together and are really friendly so it's not about her being his ex, it's about the clinging on.

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Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 12:37

You're all so honest.

Now I've wrote it all down, I'm kind of like "what the hell"

The big problem is i'll have a trigger and I'll then bring it up "you had her in, you broke my trust" and that's when I think to myself, is this when I need to forgive him for doing it so I can accept what happened?

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Dadaist · 03/04/2017 12:38

What are you wanting him to be sorry for?

Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 12:39

He is sorry so I don't need him to be sorry, I already know he is.

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Finola1step · 03/04/2017 12:50

I really don't see what the big problem is. He was in touch with an ex who turned out to be a nightmare. He dropped contact. She manipulated the situation and being a decent person, he gave her another chance. It backfired. She is out of the picture now.

So why keep dragging it up? Unless you actually want to sabotage this relationship. If I was in his shoes, I would have told you that enough is enough by now. And if the tables were turned and a man was constantly nit picking a woman over her ex, loads of people would be shouting LTB.

Stormtreader · 03/04/2017 12:56

Im not sure what you think he should have done to not "allow it to carry on".
He has no control over where she goes, hes already blocked her, I'm not sure what else is left to do? He's not responsible for her not behaving nicely.

Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 12:57

I already know it's me that causes the shit. I don't mean to. I hold onto what's happened and then I'll think about it and I'm like "pow pow pow"

I think my anger is mainly to her but I take it out on my partner. But he said "you should hate me" but he was the one who asked for forgiveness, until then, id never really thought that was needed.

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Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 13:00

Not allowing it to carry on, would have been to block her when she was being inappropriate, ringing him when he was with me, even though he'd said "don't talk to me, I'm with my gf" he told her on numerous occasions to not contact him but she still did.

I do think you're right, it's not his fault the things she's done I just wish it hadn't have gone on so long. It's not nice to be trying with someone and knowing in the back of your mind she's gunna be texting.

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debbs77 · 03/04/2017 13:10

The guy can't do anything right. Sounds to me like you're attempting to sabotage it so you can feel justified in leaving him. He will leave you if you carry on

RebelRogue · 03/04/2017 13:13

You do need to let it go and see it for what it is. She tried he said no he blocked her and one day when she turned up unannounced he opened the door. That's it. No encouragement no secret meetings no flirting etc.
If you keep holding onto this one day he'll just get tired of waiting for u to forgive him and leave.
She was only "successful " in her attempts because u gave her headspace,not him.

Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 13:16

I don't feel like that at all. I don't go out my way to sabotage I love the guy dearly, and we have an amazing relationship (except for this)

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Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 13:17

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HarmlessChap · 03/04/2017 13:23

I feel that by forgiving him, I'm saying "it's ok that you did what you did" and by that, it's like I'm accepting it.

Are you still hanging on to this sentiment from your OP? From what you're saying now it seems that you are ready to say "it's ok that you did what you did"

Seagull89 · 03/04/2017 13:26

After being on here I feel so much better. As honest as you've been, you've kind of made me see it was her, not him and he was just being a decent person. He's told me that so many times over and I didn't wanna accept it, but to help my relationship on, I need to put it to bed and move on. I'm just frightened of having a trigger and then being set back ans forgetting all these comments

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silkpyjamasallday · 03/04/2017 14:25

It's not really a 'trigger' is it? You are making this a WAY bigger deal than it needed to be, it was hardly a traumatic experience. Your partner has done absolutely nothing wrong, his only crime was to have an ex who is clearly a bit unhinged. And it will be your unhinged behaviour that ends the relationship if you can't let go of this. In your DPs position I would worry that you were so controlling tbh.

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