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I need someone to give my head a shake

(14 Posts)
Mari50 Mon 03-Apr-17 11:17:08

My exP has informed me he's met someone else. I'm gutted.
We were together for 14 years, a long shitty unstable relationship where he was verbally and sexually (coercive) abusive. On a superficial front we looked ok. I have minimised the shit I've been dealing with for the entire time pretending that I could ignore it, basically doing anything I could to keep our family together (we have a dc together)
I broke up with him because I couldn't deal with the weirdness of our situation anymore, so why am I so upset he's found someone else? Especially when I know I couldn't go back to him because our relationship was so dysfunctional. Do I have Stockholm syndrome? I feel like I'm going batshit crazy.

Shoxfordian Mon 03-Apr-17 11:20:43

Just feel sorry for the new girl
Be glad you're away from him

gamerchick Mon 03-Apr-17 11:21:41

It's normal to have a pang you spent a lot of time and effort on this guy. Feel pity for his new lady instead.

Maybe write down all the nasty and horrible things he's done to you without minimising and keep it handy when you're feeling forlorn.

Stormtreader Mon 03-Apr-17 11:31:10

I do this. I realised its because I imagine the new person getting the relationship from them that I wanted - I pictured the new woman getting lots of attention and reassurance, support, great holidays away, meals out etc. That I'd put all the effort in and now she was getting the benefit.

I try and remind myself that its far more likely he has not magically changed into a great person as soon as we broke up and that the new woman will most likely be getting the same shitty emotionally distant realtionship that I got.

Mari50 Mon 03-Apr-17 11:31:28

Gamerchick- I've been doing that. Makes me feel like a bigger dick for putting up with it for so long. If dc wasn't involved I'd be fine, struggling with that aspect and someone else in her life when I tried so hard to make it work so that shit wouldn't happen.
But you're right, he's someone else's problem now.

Mari50 Mon 03-Apr-17 11:33:54

God stormtreader that's totally it too. He made me feel like everything that was shitty about our relationship was all my fault, I was unstable and depressed and too focussed on our dc and not in him.
I'm not unstable. I am depressed, 14 years in a shitty relationship will do that. I did focus on dc because it became obvious he only thought about himself.

user1479305498 Mon 03-Apr-17 12:27:44


I hugely sympathise, If I can just mention though great holidays and meals out dont necessarily make for a great relationship. If the relationship is a bit shit, still means you have to spend a lot of time in it and nothing worse than lots of holidays and meals with someone you would rather not be with. !!

Mari50 Mon 03-Apr-17 12:36:28

yeah I know that. Having done it for the past 14 years. It's just the effort of it all has nearly killed me and I still couldn't make it work. Which says everything as it really shouldn't be that difficult should it?

user1479305498 Mon 03-Apr-17 12:58:24

Nope, and I know exactly what you mean.

BoringUsername17 Mon 03-Apr-17 14:27:38

I know exactly how you feel OP. Although I know it's vanishingly unlikely, I still fear that maybe the penny has finally dropped and he will be the husband to her that I wanted him to be to me.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 03-Apr-17 14:33:29

I would assume you hoped to be the one to change him. . And now you know you never will be that woman.
Highly doubtful the new gf will either. .
And you know the sort of relationship she is in.
Count yourself lucky.

Mari50 Mon 03-Apr-17 14:44:24

I doubt he'll be the husband I wanted to anyone because he is pathologically self involved. He may manage to be more considerate because she may demand it of him whereas I gave up expecting birthdays and Christmas's to mean anything.
As for his habit of coercing sex- well she have a very high sex drive and be happy to go along with it but he has no insight to the fact that it's not acceptable to force the issue when a clear no is given, so who know there.
Finally, he's fairly useless as a father I know for a fact as a step father he will be utterly useless (which is a step up/down from fairly).
Thing is I didn't think I needed to change him, he seemed absolutely lovely initially, it was 6 months in he turned into an absolute arsehole and by then I was totally bewildered and thought I could get it back- there's a word for that too- I've discovered.
He's mellowed and not constantly looking for the next good thing now (too old I suppose) but his inability to see outside his own interests and needs hasn't changed.

Mari50 Mon 03-Apr-17 14:46:47

Thanks for the words of support, I felt like the only woman who has been dim enough to waste half my adult life chasing my tail. Which is infuriating cause I'm not dim. Argh!!

BoringUsername17 Tue 04-Apr-17 15:18:57

Mari you are not the only one. I feel so angry now for all the years I struggled to create a happy family life with him. And also all the offers from other guys that I turned down over the years ..

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