Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Ex tried to kiss me!(10 Posts)
Me and ex broke up 9 years ago after a two year relationship. Several times over the last 9 years we've reinitiated contact and he says he wants me back but we have never done anything about it. It was a difficult break up and I really struggled emotionally for a long time afterwards. 5 years ago I met now DH and we have a 2 yo ds.
Ex has mentioned several times recently that he still loves me, but he seemed to say he understood I was married and just wanted to be friends. There was an event on in our hometown this weekend and I went along with a friend and ex was there too. We were both pretty drunk and having a nice talk and he tried to kiss me. I said no bc I'm married!
However this has really lit up old feelings. I was never over him, I wanted him back for years and still love him in some way. But I am married! With DS. Marriage is fine mostly.
I don't know what I'm asking but just needed to talk about it - should I tell DH that ex tried to kiss me? Any thoughts welcome here - unsure what I need from this thread, just to get it down
If you are happy with your marriage do not have further contact with ex.
If you are not happy with your marriage, tell your DH how you are feeling and you can either work at it or separate.
If he's tried several times over the years to reconnect, and you've always wanted to get back with him - why didn't you?
We have never done anything about it sounds so lacklustre; if you both genuinely wanted to be together you would be by now.
Avoid him and find something else to occupy your mind.
Presumably whatever broke you up is still going to be the same - mills and boon novels aside, it's rare that everything wrong with your previous relationship will have fixed itself over the 8-9 years since.
Add in the pain you'll put yourself, your child and your H through by having an affair / splitting the marriage up and it's not going to be the best basis for anything long term with this ex.
Surely you need to use this as a wake up call to do something about whatever's "meh" with your marriage. IMO, you're best not dumping your guilt on DH by telling him about the kiss, unless you think ex or a "friend" is likely to tell him.
I don't think you should tell your DH.
I do however think you should cut all contact with your ex. It will continue to be a massive headfuck if you don't.
why did you choose to not do anything about it in the 4 years between breaking up and you meeting your now husband?
in 4 years there was talk but nothing came of it.
now you are married with a child.
that sounds more like a man who wants a cheap fumble than a man who wants a relationship.
and your pov? you never did anything? instead you married someone else and built a family.
all this star crossed lovers stuff is mills and boon bollocks.
the 2 of you had 4 years to get your act together but it didnt mean enough to either of you.
now it suddenly does?
nah. dont buy it.
this is escapism.
Ooh yes good points! Objective viewpoints are helping here. Think he's just looking for a fumble and he's definitely not in a good position in a practical sense. It's the memories I miss, not him!
Well pancakesandtea - I think you actually know all the answers to the questions you are asking. The problem is always the difference between knowing something and feeling it!
So you know there are reasons why you never got back with him. You know there are reasons not to start fantasising about a different future as if nothing happened in between then and now. And you know that there is nothing about your life that is driving you to seek an exit.
But getting a glimpse of things you once wanted so badly - getting a taste of something you once loved - well it churns up all those emotions again. But honestly? It's OK - like feeling the way you used to feel at school at a school reunion (whatever your feelings were in school).
The worst of it is that a long term relationship can't compete with the sparks, the warm flushes and butterflies of two unconnected people who experience a connection (or reconnection) between them.
Your DH would need t be pretty secure and confident to handle knowing these feelings have been churned up in you. But then, you will know yourself whether the feelings stirred up by this say anything about your life as it is now. My guess is that you just need to know that these feelings will go away? For what it's worth - yup, they will.
I bet you are wondering - what it would have felt like to kiss him back? that part of you wanted to?, and that this is a bad thing to feel? We can't change the way we feel - but we can change the way we think about the way we feel. And that helps in putting things in perspective and not getting carried away. Unless you regret your marriage, just chalk it up to experience and get on with being happy with what you have?
I reconnected with an ex a few months back. Similar to you. Messy break up, together 2 years, not spoken for 7.
We dtd (We are both single). My realization was that I will always love him however, I'm not IN love with him. He will always have part of my heart and will always be important to me but we are on two very different paths these days. We simply wouldn't work now. I have a good career behind me and have moved 3 hours away. He's still doing the same thing he was 7 years ago.
Basically, you would be taking a risk that it wouldn't work. You broke up 9 years ago for a reason. Time heals the hurt from that and you can look more retrospectively at it but that doesn't mean the original problems wouldn't still be there.
Join the discussion
Please login first.